The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I posted this in response to the "Acceptance" thread but I realized it's really a new topic so I'm starting one... ---------------
When I sought a therapist - at the beginnings of my divorce - it was strictly for myself, not to try and save the marriage. I looked for a psychologist rather than a psychiatrist, because the latter tends to use drugs as a first resort rather than a last.
When I was married, my wife suggested I get counseling several times... this was after I was sober. Not for her, or for us... for me. She didn't have a problem (just ask her). Had I gone to a therapist while I was still with her, it may have hastened the opening of my eyes about my marriage, dunno.
I spent 6 years in weekly sessions with a psychologist after my divorce. I quit when I felt that our work was either going in circles, or being pushed by my therapist's agenda. I basically just outgrew it, but it was something I desperately needed at the time.
Initially my goal for therapy was to fix myself so I could get a new relationship going. I really just wanted a shoulder to cry on, and I got that. As I progressed though, I realized that one of my goals was NOT to spend the rest of my life in therapy. It was another 6.5 years after quitting therapy before I found that relationship.
I think what I got out of therapy most of all was a pretty clear understanding of who and what I was. I understood that many of the things I thought I wanted - like an attractive, young, psychotic woman in my life - would not lead to my happiness. A lot about me has changed... and a lot more has not changed. Part of my therapy was re-living my teenage years, this time asserting my independence from the parental figure of the therapist. And being far more sure of it than when I cast myself out to the world at the age of 18.
I can relate. I went to therapy for more than a year. The A felt that this proved that I was the problem. In fact he ascribed the change in our relationship to everything being my problem.
I've been in an dout of therapy for years. Sometimes it helped, sometimes it didn't. I am poor so getting low cost therapy is a real issue. I would have to go during the day and right now I work so I can't get it most of the time. I also have a number of pets I have to take care of so going somewhere at night is an issue too. There will be a time I know when I can get back to therapy and work on some other core issues I look forward to it.
I can definately relate. Therapy is hard work but I think it helps you get through things faster. I also know there are therapists that are not right for each individual which can mess up the progress but over the long haul, it is a big help. Therapy helps us understand ourselves better but I find that al anon gives me tools to make changes easier.
I was very protective of my kids and spouse when in therapy and a biggie was learning to express my anger instead of stuffing it and trying to make everything better for everyone else. I had those tendancies but they were abused or overused when alcoholism came into the picture.
It's the reverse for me, I became a wreck and kids acted out in negative ways but the AH has no problems. Sure!!! I am no longer angry about that but have compassion for him and sad that he may never figgure out why he is who he is - a choice he made as a kid vs as an adult. We all drag around a bag of rocks ya know. He just goes to therapy when requested to support me and kids in our problems. Sigh..........
This is a good share as being in the world of therapy can put a new spin on everything so it's good to not feel alone in all those experiences too.
I think we all have triggers for depression, anxiety, even dibetes, parkinsons etc etc and based on our experiences and environment, our weaker areas expand to become more of a negative force. For me, I'd choose depression rather than expression of anger or standing up for myself (ie like the al anon boundaries I learn now) and I chose fear & anxiety rather than flight or acceptance of the lack of stability living with the disease of A. I would like to hope that I will learn to make better choices as I recover.
hugs, ddub
-- Edited by ddub at 16:01, 2007-12-07
-- Edited by ddub at 16:05, 2007-12-07
__________________
"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I do find Alanon (and AA) to be long term, life programs. They do represent a way of life and that way of life for me involves both renewal - by attending meetings regularly - and sharing/giving it away.
Therapy is of a more temporary nature. I should also mention that I did group therapy for a while. That was also a useful experience; I learned things about myself and the group frequently challenged me. And I found myself rising to those challenges rather than crumbling under them, and in doing so it further helped me to define myself. I gradually caught on that my group therapy wasn't about pleasing the others in the group, or making them like me, but becoming whatever I already am, knowing it, and accepting it. And - not being intimidated by a person or persons who see things very differently, or see ME very differently.
The group was strange after years of 12-step meetings. For one thing, they (including the therapist) freely interrupt or derail a thought. This is for the most part not done in 12-step meetings because of the no crosstalk rule. I found myself repeatedly having to just drop a subject completely, because I couldn't finish a sentence. Of course they told me I was off-track, rambling, whatever, but they wouldn't know because they never let me finish. I did learn to get to the point quicker, but still found the interruptions to be unhelpful.
Also there were people in the group who never changed. There was one who was on some fairly strong pain medication, and needed to be - but week after week, it was the same old thing -- I finally realized when I was talking to that person I was talking to the drug, not the person, and I stopped trying so hard.
I also left the group on good terms - which can be hard to do. And I never looked back either. That part of my life has come and gone, it was what it was, it served its purpose.
