The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Got a call from one of my ah's 2 best friends tonight. He was just calling to check in and see how things are going. This is one of the guys my ah goes on fishing trips with. They always drank beer together. The difference being his buddies are not alcoholics and are devoted family men. They know the scoop of what is going on with my ah and are very supportive. They are concerned about a fishing trip coming up in Jan. My ah went with them on their 11th annual in Sept. and ah drank, but reportedly kept it incredibly under control. His friend said it was the best trip they ever had. They love my ah dearly but are not willing to compromise his sobriety nor give up what they enjoy, which is having a few beers on thier trip. He and the other friend are essentially trying to figure out what to do, but basically they I think want to uninvite him. I wanted to tell him to go for it, for them to tell him he's nuts, to make him go back to his family, but I didn't... instead I talked a good story as if I was as strong as I long to be.
I am feeling so sad. I know divorce is on the horizon, and I do not know how anyone gets through the pain. I thought I was getting ready. I can talk a good talk. I am okay with it when I think about my hurt and how I probably never could forgive him for all he has done. I think about his selfishness and it infuriates me. But, I also think of what I want and what I will never have. I feel ripped off that we never got to go to counseling long ago for the marriage stuff. I feel guilty for the part I played. I just want to turn back the clock! I cannot say I was happy, but at the same time I accepted it the best I could. In my situation, there is a definate separation between the aism and our marriage dysfunction, and to be honest, I think the latter was more powerful. At the same time I know it is interconnected. They fed eachother.
I've taken quite a few phone lists from my al-anon meetings and I realized that I have always ended up throwing them away, thinking I am not that "weak". Tonight I have realized that I am that "weak". Tonight I went rummaging through my stuff and there are none to be found. Not that I know who I would call if I did find one. The tears won't stop. I just want to disappear. I want to start my life over and have a normal childhood and normal marriage. Oh well...
Thanks for being here to "talk" to. I know we all stand together, but right now I feel so alone. Perhaps some sleep will help.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I am so grateful for this MIP family especially when I feel alone and USE to feel I was going crazy because no one would understand how I felt or even really understand how I lived. I did the marriage therapy years ago, the kids acted out in various ways as teens to get his attention and still I didn't think the drinking had any thing to do with this until last summer.
What I have learned is that he may never get it because of his disease of A. The marriage therapy didn't help us then and probably wouldn't now. You didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it, remember. This is his disease, his choice of coping technique, and his to remedy..... until then or if, my AH is unreliable which has made me look like the most ill of the family. Anxious, neurotic at times, depressed, and so many things to keep me busy focusing on myself now.
Asking older kids in my family what they think the dysfunction was in our family besides the obvious affect of alcohol on all of us and I had an interesting response. "Lack of stability" and I think that is right, for the kids and for me.
Don't look too far ahead as that is how I get anxious. One thing, one day at a time and I seem to make progress even if it is very very small. If I let myself think about all the health issues A's are capable of getting and my own health concerns when I still have two kids at home under 18, the fear would paralize me to inaction, depression, overeating etc etc. Nothing good for me is automatic behavior anymore even down to brushing my teeth.
I watched some tv show and they talked about support by using this phrase often "I get it! I hear you! It sucks!" But we can recover and find the serenity I see others have in al anon.
take good care of yourself, you are worth it hugs, ddub
-- Edited by ddub at 02:31, 2007-12-07
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I know that feeling all too well. Alcoholism robs our lives. Sometimes it overwhelms me to think that I've been SO close to what I would consider paradise. If it weren't for this evil substance - that has taken away happiness, sanity, stability, health, honesty, and dignity - then in all likelihood, we would be living our lives together - very happily together - just dealing with the "regular", "normal" problems of life. (ha!) But I'll never know. And that's where the sadness comes in. I mourn the life we "could have" had together. It is indeed very sad. The program is a wonderful place to realize that we are not alone in all of this chaos. There is such comfort in knowing that. Lou, I do hope you find your call list (or go get another one!) and make those calls. There is strength in reaching out. ps: ddub- I'm LOVING "I get it! I hear you! It sucks!" My thoughts exactly!
Ya know, I had another thought that helps me to keep getting on, still hard to believe this is working some of the times but it is enough to keep working it
That phrase, you can't get bread at the hardware store and doing the same thing & expecting a different result both started to have real meaning to me a month or so ago. My automatic reactions to fix everything and react to my AH as usual was not working for me or the family. So as I started to walk away, not react as usual, just wait to see what happens started changing things around here. If the AH has no one reacting to him, things quieted down, became less chaotic, the kids were less stressed & acted better so it started to show me my part of making the chaos. I keep learning how I can add to the mess or how I can make it better by staying calm ..........not easy at all but makes a big difference.
Repeating the Serenity prayer over & over in my head is calming especially when I am walking the edge of frustration, anger etc blessings to you, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I am in the boat with you. We are actually in marriage counseling at the moment and my therapist concluded "there is nothing I can do for you until you deal with the alcoholism" and that is so true. Alcohol sometimes mask the problems so until it is gone counseling will never work. I hope you find peace as that is my biggest hope for myself and my family ~Ashley
I am in the boat with you. We are actually in marriage counseling at the moment and my therapist concluded "there is nothing I can do for you until you deal with the alcoholism" and that is so true. Alcohol sometimes mask the problems so until it is gone counseling will never work. I hope you find peace as that is my biggest hope for myself and my family ~Ashley
It's nice to hear there's an honest therapist out there. Too many of them will just take your money anyway.
When I sought a therapist - at the beginnings of my divorce - it was strictly for myself, not to try and save the marriage. I looked for a psychologist rather than a psychiatrist, because the latter tends to use drugs as a first resort rather than a last.
When I was married, my wife suggested I get counseling several times... this was after I was sober. Not for her, or for us... for me. She didn't have a problem (just ask her). Had I gone to a therapist while I was still with her, it may have hastened the opening of my eyes about my marriage, dunno.
I spent 6 years in weekly sessions with a psychologist after my divorce. I quit when I felt that our work was either going in circles, or being pushed by my therapist's agenda. I basically just outgrew it, but it was something I desperately needed at the time.
Initially my goal for therapy was to fix myself so I could get a new relationship going. I really just wanted a shoulder to cry on, and I got that. As I progressed though, I realized that one of my goals was NOT to spend the rest of my life in therapy. It was another 6.5 years after quitting therapy before I found that relationship.
I think what I got out of therapy most of all was a pretty clear understanding of who and what I was. I understood that many of the things I thought I wanted - like an attractive, young, psychotic woman in my life - would not lead to my happiness. A lot about me has changed... and a lot more has not changed. Part of my therapy was re-living my teenage years, this time asserting my independence from the parental figure of the therapist. And being far more sure of it than when I cast myself out to the world at the age of 18.
I used to spend my life completely immersed in the A's world. What he did, when, how to approach him, what he might do, what so and so though he would do, what he did, how it affected others. There was not much room for me in there. I can see pretty clealry now why I am in the poor state I am in.
Of course alcoholism isoaltes us, we spend all our time worrying about them. Personally I don't think its weak to have others to talk to. I live eat and breathe this board most days. I come here and pour out my life. This place is the one thing that doesnot let me down.
One of my goasl for the new year is to have 5/6 support persons. I am not with the A anymore. I need them. When I was with the A I totally and absolutely drained a lot of relaitonships with my obsessing about him. I poured all this emotion out day and night. I survived that hell but the relationships didn't.
So if anything I would urge you to seek lots of support, don't just go to one person. Come here this is an incredible container for pain, rage, grief whatever you feel. I think it is actually incredibly strong to let it out. I know when I did not let it out the depression was absolutely terrible.
scotch-taped next to my desk at home is a quote with a page reference, but no name of the book it came out of (???!!! what was I thinking???) - it goes something like this: 'the ability to reach out for help is the single most important tool in healing from emotional injury'.
I think this means that using the phone list is not a "weakness" - it's a strength. So many of us were taught to buck up, put on a stiff upper lip, and do it all ourselves - and I am coming to believe that this is actually a big part of our disease. Healthy people actually ask for help and share their hurts. We never learned to do this, partly because there wasn't a safe place for us to do it. Well, now there is. It's hard, it's risky, but as I heard someone share once - even if we just talk for 30 seconds about the weather, I feel better, because I've made a connection with someone from the healthiest place in my life.
