I agree - there is so much free or cheap "Christmasy" stuff to do, you can give and get that Christmas feeling without adding to your stuff, and spending money you don't have.

Spend time with your daughter, rather than money on her - driving or walking around to see the lights, choir festivals and concerts in churchs, cuddled up with popcorn and favorite Christmas movies or TV shows, baking, singing, get her to help with Christmas cards (writing the addresses?  how old is she?) make sure she is also giving presents, not just receiving them. 

Last year, I asked my kids "OK, what really makes it Christmas for you?  What do you really need to have?" and those were the things we did. The stuff that nobody cared about, we just stopped doing.  (I included MY special things, in the list, of course)  We decorate the tree until everyone is tired of doing it, and then that means the tree is done.  Some years it doesn't have too much on it, who cares?  It's a tree in the house with twinkling lights, that's the part that matters.

The expectations only own you if you let them.

I hear you java. Heck, it starts in Sept. My kids are grown. They will all be back at Christmas. I have been going thru their rooms and find tons of stuff. They don't need a thing. I think one thing that makes a great Christmas is a mother that is happy and not stressed out from trying to have a great Christmas for everybody else. I use to buy socks, toothbrushes, etc. and wrap them so they at least had presents under the tree. I put nuts and an orange and chocolate coins in their stockings. And I ask them why do they get nuts and an orange and chocolate coins in their stockings. I have told them since they were very young that their grandparents were poor and only got these things at Christmas. That seemed to get the message across about a modest Christmas.

Have fun.

In support,
Nancy

(((((((Java)))))))

I'm so sorry about your losses this year. Good to have your Mom close, I hope, even though it makes the house even more crowded.

My son knows that a couple of times a year we will go through his things and pick out some stuff to go to charity. We usually do it before his birthday and before Christmas. I remind him that there are kids out there that do not get much if anything for Christmas, or have very few toys. At 7 yrs old he understands that many kids live in unhealthy families like ours was and kids often have to lose their toys and stuff when families move and such. I just keep reminding him, when its time, of these things. Also every year since he was about 3, he picks out a gift for Toys for Tots. The local store has a 5.99 toy sale every year, so its not expensive. I remind him when we go what we are doing so he doesn't struggle so hard with the idea that we are not there shopping for him.

We kept a jar this year for Christmas money, but of course the A has only been sober now since end of Aug, so there isn't going to be a huge spending spree this year. The thing is, we don't do that anyway. I haven't checked the jar in awhile, but it might have $60-70 in it. It will cost us $25 in gas to get anywhere to shop, so we're pretty limited. I did already get the boys each a pair of snow gloves for stockings. And I got a package of candy canes for the tree (chocolate mint). LOL

This year our family is planning on helping out in the local Christmas basket effort that the Elks lodge does. We will help pack the baskets or whatever they need. We have been on the receiving end a couple of times. It is time to give back.

Another suggestion would be to help your daughter make cookies and take them to share at an assisted living home or shelter. She could have time to visit with people who really do have it hard. Good for making the gratitude list later.

I know what you mean about the tight quarters. Ours is a 24 ft travel trailer with holes in the floor in the bathroom and a room about the same size added on, but it is ours. We do the best we can. It will get better, we just have to have faith.

Love in recovery,

Part of Christmas can be filed under Alanon's what to do with Expectations and People Pleasing file.

What do we normally do when we or others place expectations on us? We jump through hoops to make things happen and will most likely end up feeling we have fallen short. Then we feel guilt, resentment, disappointment etc. The same goes for People pleasing.

We want our kids to have bunches of presents to open on Christmas morning. Funny thing is most kids don't even remember what they got last Christmas.

My sister in law (for years) has taken her kids to a local soup kitchen on Christmas day. It's pretty hard to ask for exhorbant gifts when they see that the gift of a full stomach is the only gift these adults and children are getting and they are very grateful for it. It also showed her children the true meaning of giving.
They started going when her kids were preteens, now they are 19 and 22 (boys) and it is a family tradition.

When my adult girls were 5 and 7 I was a single Mom and couldn't afford a Christmas tree. I could only buy very few inexpensive gifts. We spent an afternoon cutting circles out of paper grocery bags. We colored the circles with crayons then decorated them with glitter and pcs. of yarn and whatever else I had laying around. We then taped the circles on the wall in the shape of a tree...lol. I had one string of mini lights that I taped on the wall too, on top of the "tree". A couple gifts were put on the floor under the tree.
My girls don't have a clue what their gifts were that Christmas but they sure remember the fun we had making that "wall tree". I kept one paper circle from each girl and they hang on our tree every year.
I put cardboard on the backs of the circles to stabilize them a long time ago. This year I Hodge Podged them to protect them forever and am giving them to the girls as gifts to hang on their own trees.

Anyway, my initial point was the expectations part. We just don't have to have and do all the things other people want and expect of us. We put enough on ourselves.

Christy