The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Nothing I intend to send, just need to get it out of my head. It is to ex's last 3 or 4 sponsers. Coincidently, the only one that really worked for ex, helped keep him sober for 2 years, helped him repair damage done to me and the kids and genuinely seemed to love him was also a very active member of alanon.
Dear All Knowing AA god(s),
I would like some answers. I believe I deserve them if not your amends (which I also deserve, but will not demand). I wonder if ex told you of his plans to steal from me my mother's engagement ring and THAT is why you were advising him to stay away from me, the mother and guardian of his kids. I wonder if you advised him that it was wise to become involved with another A while still stringing me on, while not even close to making amends to his kids for abandoning them many times, with having less than 6 months of "sobriety". I wonder if you told him to be honest with me about stealing and reading all of my journals, spying on me on my computer, stalking me in my own home, on the night that I sold all of my father's treasured posessions when I was grieving and upset. Did you advise him to be honest at that moment? Because I will tell you that was the wrong advice. Did you advise him to come to my house when I was so depressed about losing my father that I couldn't see straight and rape me? Did he tell you those were his plans? Because he did plan it. He knew what he was doing and how vunerable I was. Did he share these plans with you? Did he ask your opinion before he and his GF stole my mothers credit cards? Or after he maxed them out on vacations with his new "sober" GF. How hard did you fall for his line that I am the psyco? That HE is nothing but a victim. A man who can't see his kids because his ex is a b*tch. Did you fall for it oh wise and mighty sponser? So, tell me AA president, being an ex-psyciatric nurse who should be able to see a sociopath a mile away. And being so helpful and full of program, what have you done to HELP the children of this A? Encourage him to "live his own life", encourage him to have realtionships that do not support him having a relationship with his own kids? And so, I know that you now see how wrong you are, I see that you have avoided me and the meeting that you used to attend because me and my kids have been going for years to that one and obviously you are scared to look the family that you hepled damage in their sweet, innocent eyes. You are scared to look at them and know in your heart that you and your false program contributed to the loss of their father. You are a coward, you are a 2 dimentional loser who shouldn't be allowed to foster others and their spiritual condition. You are half as evil as the ex. You make me sick. You are a detrament to the program and I pray that you will never damage anyone else the way you have me by your well-meaning advisment of my ex. He had to run EVERYTHING by his SPONSER. So, I will assume he ran all of these things by YOU. He told me that you said it was ok that he not see his kids, they would be FINE without him. He told me you said it was FINE that he was moving in with and sleeping with the married couple he worked for as long as he wasn't using. He told me that you said if he could keep a PLANT ALIVE FOR A YEAR then he would be ready for a relationship!!!!! Excuse me?!!? What the HELL does a freakin PLANT have to do with a man that ALREADY HAS 4 kids, and a WIFE (at the time). Don't get me wrong, dear, supportive sponser, I see you were just as taken as I was. But why? Why was your advice and support so very, very wrong. So wrong that I paid the price. Because with a good, right sponser I might not have had to go thru what I went thru. My kids might have actually had a father, a sober father. How could you be so snowed? My excuse? I have 3 kids with him, I was his wife, I was beaten, I was abused, I loved him, I threw my lot in with his, and I was very young. You had NO vested interest in him except to help him in his sobriety and living a better life. You Mr. AA have failed. You failed us. No, you were not our sponser but by involving yourself with a man with family, you must have felt the added responsibilty of us. Family, we were a part of him. You felt nothing towards us as you have no family of your own. You don't get it. I think you should step down as a sponser for anyone in this program as you have done far more harm than good. You don't get it. I understand that it is flawed people trying to help other flawed people but when your "help" hurts innocent family members maybe it's time you stopped helping. You were a part of what has gone wrong. It is not all your fault by any means. But as I know to be a FACT we can CONTRIBUTE. That is yours. Yours to own. So own it. Seriously, do not ever try to help again.
Ok y'all I know that this is not program. I know it is placing blame. But it how I am feeling. And I will never confront these men with these facts and feelings. I know I will eventually be able to forgive or at least see how they are not even a tiny bit responsible for the crimes and dysfunction. But today, I am not there. Today, I am right here and I needed to get it out. I am still hating AA. At least those AA's who stand in judgement and think alanon is for the spouse. Like I said the only sponser that truly seemed to help and guide my ex and in so make all of our lives better was the one who was an active alanon. I do not think that was a coincidence. I am bitter, I am angry. I will get better, I will find peace.
Though your anger may very well be valid, it made me recall a Alanon friend of mine and her A husband. He always told her "his sponsor said it was OK" so she wouldn't question his actions. For sure he wasn't being straight with his sponsor, although he too told her that he asked the sponsor about every move. Some of the stuff he was doing sounds very similar to your situation. It all came down to just another way to manipulate. He knew if he said "the sponsor said OK" that my friend would would go along with it to a point. He had her convinced that the sponsor knew everything. Come to find out he was jerkin her chain and the sponsor's too. He told two totally different stories to each of them. In the end he lost it all, even the girlfriend he had on the side. Evidently he wasn't being honest with her either. It all came back to bite him in the a**.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I too went through a period of blaming my ex wife's sponsor and AA friends for her bad actions. I had just enough AA knowledge and Al-Anon teaching to be dangerous!
She broke all the damned "rules"!!! She fired the good sponsor's she had, because I am sure they were telling her things she didn't want to hear and instead aligned herself with the same type of people that she was. It used to make me furious!
I understand now it had nothing to do with them. It had everything to do with her and what she needed to do to for her. And yes, the decisions "they" made at that time definately changed my life.
I know today that those changes were all for my growth as a human being.
Glad you are writing your feelings down. I like to do that too, it is very theraputic to me to just get it all out, no matter how ugly. Makes it so much easier to move on.
Hello Serendipity , remember the sick joke ? how can u tell if an alcoholics lying ? answer - are his lips moving ? drunk or sober alcoholics lie until they are ready to get honest with them selves and others , blaming sponsors for your husb lack of recovery is such an injustice to the sponsor who put s time and faith into a new sponcee . all anyone can do is lead by example if they choose not to follow what works for them there is nothing more they can do . I am pleased u are not planning on mailing this letter to sponors . Keep posting , keep getting it out of your head and one day u will be able to let Go .
I can relate to your feelings in your rant, Seren. It took me a good two years to get it out of my system and there is still some of it in there which sprouts horns once in awhile. I have a past of being a terrible doormat to my AH. He still cannot understand why I was so angry. I know now that most of it is indeed my own fault for staying and putting up with all that I did. He was just being himself. I am still generally overly sensitive to men who try to tell me what to do or control me in any way, although this is starting to heal, too, thanks to the program.
It feels so good to direct these horrible feelings at some one. It feels so good to get it out and dump it somewhere on someone. There is something that feels so right about it, for me. I know it is absolutely NOT the right thing to do but it still feels so good- as good as I imagine it might be for the A to get drunk/high.
In the past, I have often binged on my feelings the way an A binges on alcohol or an addict on drugs. It does something to all this pain of this horrible family disease- numbs it, shoves it off onto someone else, etc. This is why I need this program every day for the rest of my life.
I was thinking after all the stuff I have read from you that anyone who got that many away from you and you kids did you a favor. It may not have seemed that way in the moment and it may not seem that way yet, but trust me, it will eventually feel like a great burden has been lifted and you'll be glad things went the way they did. Let the blame lie where it lies with the idiot making the decisions!
reading your letter really brought back some old memories....
a few year back when my A son got picked up for robbing a house... he was being questioned by the police investigators.. and explained that he had to rob the house to get money to get away from the horror I was putting him thru...
so the police asked for examples.. . he proceeded to give one.. and when he was done talking the police were ready to arrest me... I said hang on he left some things out.. I filled in the blanks and the police turned back to him and asked didn't you think that was important... he said no had nothing to do with what I was doing to him.... so he proceded to give additional examples.. by the third one.. the cheif investigator turned to me and said what did he leave out this time.... I felt sad for my son....
well by the end of the interigation the cheif investigator pulled out one of his cards and game it to me with his private cell phone number on it.. and told me that if my son pulled anything else like these things.. call him he will have police out to make sure no one interferes and I should just proceed to beat the sh*t out of him and he would come right over and testify that I was defending myself because no one should have to put up with what I was....
I really didn't understand the extent he was really talking about till a couple years in Alanon.. I really had a denial thing going....
out of the court stuff that happened with my A son.. he was ordered to AA and had to stay clean for 12 months or he would serve time till he was 21.. he was 17 at the time.. . he was tested weekly and was clean the entire 12 months.. went to AA multiple meetings a week... and when the 12 months were up he went right back to doing what he was doing.. .and using again.... and of course took off.. was several years before I saw him again.. the police would not look for him because he was less than 90 days from his 18th birthday.. and by the time they found him and got to court it would have been past his 18th.. and the court would have thrown it out...
and yes this was the son that at 25 finally hit his bottom... and took his own life Nov 7th this year...
it had been several years since I spoke with him.. but last christmas he contacted me by email.. and calmly told me that from what all the family was saying he can hear that I was changing and moving on with my life.. but he could not deal with those changes yet... but I got a chance to start an amends process with him.... and let him know the door was open anytime... which I am very greatful I had the chance to do.....
The point I am trying to make.. is no parent... no sponsor... nothing can make a person want to change their ways... or take the chip off their sholder.. all we can do is protect ourselves... take care of ourselves and our children to the best of our ability.. and hopefully as we get better... they can see the change and want to get healthy too...
