The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
About 5 years ago I read a book on People pleasing by Harriett Braiker (my apologies if I am not supposed to mention non al anon books). I was absolutely flabbergasted. I could see clearly I was a people pleaser but I was also in denial. I would people please myself into positions where I was really angry with others because they did not notice the amount of energy I was putting into them. Flash foward 5 years and I nearly killed myself over the A giving him all my attention, money, material possessions, effort, you name it he got it. I had to be on the floor with nothing to leave him. I left with nothing except a few boxes. he got everything, furniture, vehicles and every material possession he could steal, manipulate, coni ve and acquire by whatever he could do to get it. He still says he did not get enough!
For me the people pleasing was addictive. Someone criticizes me I try harder, someone behaves in an inconsistent manner to me, I try harder, I redouble my efforts. I was in recovery for years and years, therapy, groups whatever I could lay my hands on. Recovery literature was my bible. I read every book I could lay my hands on. I would obsess day and night over why didn't people see how hard I was trying. I'd also obsess day and night that my needs were not getting met.
Two years into al anon plus and I am still looking at my people pleasing. I do stop. If someone is not meeting my needs I do not try harder, I take a step back. I re evaluate the situaiton. I do not go to the wall as I always have. if a friend doesn't return my emails,phone calls I do not go into total obsess volume. My feelings are hurt but I no longer look to everyone else but me to meet my needs.
At the same time I'd have to say I have not have a lot of luck outside of al anon in making friends that are enduring, acquaitances sure. I feel far far far more lonely than when I was people pleasing.
The loneliness is what makes me think that my compulsive people pleasing was a reaction/defense against loneliness and fear of abandonment.
There is no question for me now that the A abandoned me long long long ago. I defended against it by denial, trying harder, people pleasing, raging and wishing he would change. The irony is the onlly person who has changed is me and I had to nearly kill msyelf before I was willing to admit that.
I wonder if you may feel the lonliness more because you've dumped the people pleasing? Maybe that filled a spot in you and took up time so you didn't notice the lonliness as much. I found myself being lonley even though my A was right here. That really sucks!
I started to get busy with things I wanted to do instead of my mission of "head of household". He was always wasted so I thought it my duty to pick up the slack and make things run smoothly. I quit doing that and invested some time in myself.
My priorities have changed. I no longer stay home because this or that has to be done. It can wait. I've taken great interest in living positively and finding spirituality. If my dishes are on the counter and an opportunity comes up for fun, I'm gone. I used to actually turn fun stuff down because I had too much to do at home. *smacks forehead* what was I thinking?
My best friend is someone I met in Alanon. I asked her if she wanted to have coffee and we haven't shut up since. I decided to step out there and initiate a friendship. I'm so glad I did.
Keep plugging away, a change is comin :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
