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My BF A has been in the ICU now for almost 2 weeks and I just got an update telling me that IF he makes it out alive his brain will not function as it should and he will not be able to hold down a job or live alone. I am having a really hard time processing this information. It has litterally made me sick to my stomach.
I feel like a horrible person because this is not the life I want to have with someone. Before I found this out I was struggling with should I get off this ride before it starts all over again. I feel like I am being selfish and uncaring. I don't want this kind of life for my daughter either. (She is not his) I have all these emotions going on in my head right now that I feel like I am going to explode.
How can I just walk away from it all? He is on his death bed possible and I am worried about me. But he did this to him self I did not hold the bottle up to his mouth and tell him to drink up. He made that choice on his own to do that everyday.
I am left asking myself , Where do I go from here?
I hope you can get as much support as you can in this time of need. Keep posting here for one. The people here will be there for you.
Personally in my ESH I try not to make major decisions when I am in crisis. I tend not to make the best ones then. I try to sit down and work out what my options are/were. For me personally leaving the A was a long process. There were lots of times when I felt I could not continue living the way I did. Actually leaving him was a long long process of taking one step in front of the other. I also have to say that there was not really an immediate improvement on my life. Yes there was an emotional issue of not having to deal with him again but there were huge issues involved in separating.
((((((((((((((Mariedl)))))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry you are going through this. I am glad that you posted and am sure you will get lots of experience, strength and hope here. Face to face meetings are a wonderful place for that as well!
You are absolutely NOT being a horrible person for thinking these things. You are living in reality. Please don't beat yourself up. I would highly recommend speaking with a social worker at the hospital to find out what all of your BF's options are if he gets out of ICU and needs assisted living. He would surely be eligible for public assistance in the impaired state you describe as his likely best case scenario. There are facilities out there that in the end may be not only your best option, but his as well.
Sending you my prayers and (((((((((hugs)))))))))) at this difficult time.
You are a horrible person because you don't want to play martyr to this disease for the rest of your life? I don't thinks so sweetie. I don't want to sound uncaring either but he is not your responsibility, please don't take it on. Is it a trusted person that is telling you his probable diagnosis? I'm asking because some people like the drama and tend to give the worst possible scenerio. If it's only 10% bad, they make it 100%.
My husband was in ICU also after detox. His bloodwork showed deficiencies in all kinds of vitamins and minerals. When the liver is affected it doesn't absorb vitamins correctly through foods. The medications they gave him (vitamins/minerals) couldn't be processed either. The potassium they were giving him almost killed him. Anytime the liver isn't working right toxins can build up in the body, including the brain. He managed to live somehow but he was a total basket case for 4 months. After several wks they let him come home. I'm still not sure why. I guess they couldn't tell how "off" he was when he was in a bed all day. He literally could not add, remember, or think for himself. I had to get up at night to go to the BR with him because he would fall or walk out the front door. Now, he has been sober for almost 2 yrs and is back to his career of Cost Engineer for a major oil company. He's fully recovered.
The friends I have here can vouch for how very sick he was. We were all on pins and needles as to what the final outcome would be. Life or death. They went through it all with me. I have been married to him for 20 yrs, we have a home, 3 children and 3 grandchildren. Had I not had all the years (and love) invested I can't honestly say I would have stuck around. It was hell and you're right, he did it to himself. I certainly had my fears of "what if he never gets right?" I can tell you after 4 months I was totally exhausted, physically and mentally. I couldn't leave him alone at all and I was woken 3-6 times a night. I didn't get to sit more then a few min at a time during the day. Along with all that I made sure the bills were pd. breakfast/lunch/dinner was made for him (and sometimes fed to him). Then there were groceries, drug store, Dr. appts, bathing him, shaving him.. Plus I have a teen that was trying to find his way in all the mess and needed me too. That whole time period is big ugly blur.
I only did it for a few months. I can't imagine committing to a lifetime. I just physically could not have done it for much longer then I did. In my humble opinion...If your BF doesn't recover there is absolutely nothing wrong in him being placed where he can get proper care without you being destroyed. Your first committment lies with your child, the only one you are legally and morally bound to. Please don't allow anyone to place responsibility on you or guilt you in to sacrificing yourself and your daughter. I would bet if there was a Million $$ at stake his family would be telling you that you have no legal grounds. That's my .02
Take care of you, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Your post had me near tears. I could be you, but my A BF died before the ambulance got him to the hospital. Drinking and speeding. My older son is not his, my 18 month old is.
I agree with other posts, make sure info is from medical personnel, not just his family etc; Try, though it is hard not to put cart before horse. See if he makes it first. That being said, when things are more clear talk to all sources, social workers, counselors etc; so you can make an informed decision. And that decision does not have to be made now as to what you want your involvement to be with him.
Just as he made the decision to drink so much, you also have the right to make the best decision for you and your daughter now. I say this still struggling with guilt that I couldn't keep my BF from drinking or leaving the house that night, he didn't say g-bye, didn't know he even left. I too thought, "He lost his life, and I am worried about how bad I feel". I know the feelings, guilt and can say you are not a terrible person. It is not always easy to take our own advice, but I have felt what you are feeling.
Thank you so much klm4446 for your reply. It helped me a lot, along with all the other comments. I did talk to his doctor yesterday to make sure the information I received was creditable and most of it was. Some of it was over dramatized. Doctor said they are trying to wake him up so they can really see what damage is really there. But the doctor said he is very concerned because he is not being responsive to their efforts to wake him up. I do love this man very much so I have decided to wait and not make any decisions until I know forsure what is going to happen. I have also decided to just get my information and stay in contact with his dad because he seems to be the only one who gives it to me straight with no BS attached. Again much thanks.
