The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
2 years ago when I was brainstorming how I needed to leave the A, one of my failing blocks was that I simply could not accept reality. I wanted the A to change. I stood on my head to make him change. He did change of course, he got much much worse.
Now I am making a plan A, B, C about the future I still don't like reality. The difference now is I am prepared to deal with it. I never ever want to be in this place again. I never want to be poor, vulnerable, isolated and have few options. Therefore I just have to work my way out of this. I do not want to work over Christmas but if I dont' my reality will stay the same. I am desperate to get out of this reality so I will do whatever it takes to get out of it. I think with the A it took me a long long long time to get to the point where I'd leave him by any means necessary. For me the any means necessary mean losing all my things, my truck, my sanity, my dogs for a while (I am so so grateful to have them!). I lost my health, my income, my friends everything.
Now I can rebuild. I do not like the process of rebuilding. I do not like having to work all the itme but I will do it. I do not like that I am broke beyond broke. I do not like that I will probably not get a Christmas dinner, much like I did not get a Thanksgiving dinner but I will do whatever it takes to move out of this place I am in so I'll live with it.
I simply could not for a long long time really live with the fact the A was getting worse. The people who he was associating with were getting worse, he became non functional. His lies got worse. I did not deal with it, I denied it. I railed against it. Oh how I raged at him and rage and raged. There was some need for that but I raged for years, my raging did not affect him one bit. He could care less I was angry, sad, lost about his addiciton, he progressed. I could rage at him right now I know where that will get me no where.
I also grieved too that he was not "there" for me for years, hoping and hoping that he would show me a glimmer of what he once was. I did not accept reality for years. I did not deal with reality for years, I denied, lost myself in his chaos and drowned. Now I have to climb out of this mess and I may not like it but I am not going to lose myself in denial one more time.
I know it stinks. But you are doing it! You are so wise to know that this will not last forever. What a gift! To be living in the present and not dwelling in the past. You look back, but you're not staring. Just a glimpse to see how far you've really come. Sure you have a ways to go to be where you want to be, but knowing that where you are today, on a bad day, is way better than where you were when with the A on a good day! What a blessing! Keep sharing your progress, it gives me much hope that I can keep going and get better also. Thanks Maresie!
Hey girl, I know what it is to live in the memories of the past good times, even though they were intermingled with bad times somehow we focus on the good. Don't know why that is? I know I was so resentful for a long time that I was "stuck" with the kids, with no money, with having to go to work every day and be utlitmately responsible for everything and everyone. Reality bites, that's for sure! What it took for me was to say this.
What else do I have to do besides work? It's not as if I do anything productive with my spare time anyway and I'm sick of being broke! That made it much easier to accept the idea of a second job and actually it has worked out VERY well. I'm making more than I expected to and most of that is tips under the table. It took me a very long time to give up the dream that he was going to step up and pay support, that he would miraculously get better. I loved that man with all my heart, I am SURE he was the love of my life, but somwhere you have to have an ounce of self respect and not allow yourself to be treated like a door mat. At least in my case I had to stand up for my children which eventually led to my awareness of myself as a doormat!
You are doing great, this is a process, it's like greiving a death, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Only in this there's a huge step called resentment somewhere around bargaining and depression that you have to get past in order to reach acceptance.
I think the hardest thing is to say ok, it is what it is, I don't have to like it, I just have to trudge on and do it. Like washing the dishes, nobody really likes to do it but it has to get done the resentment comes because you're the only one around TO do it. But in reality you always were and that's what you have to realize and accept.
First, take what you like and leave the rest (if any..lol) This is an excerpt from a book about Universal Laws and the power of our thoughts.
Every thought is a prayer and every thought is answered.
If we say "Yes, I want that." then think "I don't deserve that." or "I'll have to work for years for that." or "Only lucky, tall, thin, smart people get that." ...
then the conflicting ideas create only inner conflicts in Mind with no concrete results from the first statement. In this example, we put conflicting thoughts into the Universe, cancel our intentions by our habitual thoughts and then wonder why we get conflicting results.
We still get what we think; the Law is still operating. All we need is to be clear in our own minds as to our mental patterns and be mindful of what we say to ourselves and not negate our own desires.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
maresie, I can so relate to what you are going through... my ex-husband and I were together for 7 years, married for 2 years. We were both drunks, and we both brought many problems into the relationship. But I stayed around as long as I did because I did not think I could make it on my own, financially or emotionally... I was scared of taking care of things on my own... He and I went back and forth on who was managing things at home, money and such... both of us constantly screwed it up. Thankfully he at least still held a job, but I have not had a job since high school and I'm 24 now, because of a few different reasons. After I got into AA last year, our problems got worse and I couldn't handle it. I'd spent 7 years believing I couldn't make it on my own and also being told I'd never make it on my own, but I finally decided I could make it work if I wanted to, somehow.
When I left my husband last winter I went straight to living with another alcoholic, a supposedly recovering alkie, a dry drunk. And was in so much denial about how sick the whole situation was. Finally after about 8 months I'd had enough and for the first time in my life I'm living alone, trying to get myself straightened out. It is scary, and very stressful, but it is something I really needed.
I'm not really making it financially, I'm struggling with the fact that I can't really support myself just on disability income, but I can't work either. I'm renting a house from my dad, who won't help me out any even with the health problems I'm having, but also I don't *want* his help, I won't ask him for it, because that's setting myself up. When I go to Iowa for school next year, my current bf and I have talked about me moving in with him... and we brought up me going ahead and moving up there now because of my financial situation, but the idea of going on up there right now would have probably hurt us both, and my HP is watching out for me, I might be able to get into some gov't housing where my sponsor lives, and if that does work out, I can make it here on my own a few more months, and bf and I will see where we're at a few months from now when I'm ready for the move.
I have given up a lot in this year, as far as material things, leaving things behind with moving, doing without a lot of "luxuries" I'm used to having.... and honestly, it isn't so bad as far as that goes. I'm doing what I can to make it... the only thing I won't compromise is having to give up my dog, which has made things more difficult at times as far as finding a place to live and stuff, but I can't part with her, and that's more for her sake than mine... but so far things are turning out ok and I haven't had to seriously face any ideas of having to give her up. I also won't compromise myself, I don't want to put myself in those kinds of situations again... things are rough right now dealing with a lot of things, but I'm seeing some options, some ways to get by. Even the idea of moving in with my bf next year scares me, except that he isn't like the last 2 men... he has good sobriety and doesn't try to over power me, and is pushing for me to get my education so that if I need to support myself I am able to and I won't get in this hole again... but we'll see what HP wants as far as that goes, just a bit further down the road...
(((((((((((((((maresie))))))))))))) Just wanted to share with you what I've gone through in this year, so that you'll know you're not alone. It's scary, and it's definitely not easy, but you can make it. Things are slowly gradually starting to turn around for me, not as quickly as I'd like, but I know it will continue to get better... and it will for you also.
