The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so grateful for Alanon. I learn from everyone,am humbled by everyone sharing.
Many years of Al Anon has kept me still putting one foot in front of the other. Now I am having a horrible time.
My A left a year plus ago, when he became so sick, that all he wanted was a place to use and be taken care of,enabled. Since mom is now in a nursing home, he moved in with another very sick person who is A and has cancer. She takes care of him, she enables big time.
I am still very much in love with my AH. But he is a memory,and dead. Sadly he told me he committed adultery, so I am no longer his wife. I am not sure if he really did, as he is not able to perform anymore...
He knows I am free to remarry if he commits adultery. I very much follow the Bible btw.
Anyway I still fight to keep my home. We bought five beautiful acres,on the side of mountain in Oregon,and became an animal sanctuary and doing rescue.
Mother was to live here too, as she had breast cancer. Mother died, he became horribly abusive and not my AH in any way.
I am left to fend for me. Everyone I love is dead. Mother, daddy, g parents, aunts uncles, best friends and on and on.even lost my 32 year old horse last winter.
I have a rental on my property, hp helped me there. If I did not have it, I would have lost my home. Could not stand to live in the main big house alone anymore. so I rented it and made the end of my barn into a cute bunkhouse/cabin for me and my dogs, few cats and birds....
I have chickens, turkey pair,goats,llamas, a horse,two farm pigs, rabbits, nineteen pot bellied pigs, six dogs innuerable cats,all altered btw, two parrots, love bird,cockatiels.many very old and many crippled.and I feed the birds....I would rather buy feed, or get feed as gifts than diamonds.
I LOVE my home and animals. Sadly I am disabled. Since 03 I have been dealing with some major issues. Arthritis, crippling erosive kind,not the one you can med for.IBS from nerve damage, incontinent some times, migraines,asthma,and have fought depression since i went thru puberty.
The last time A hurt me,the brain damage from thebrain surgery made him horribly mean with NO signs it was coming on, he damaged me.
I was tossed flat on my face. I had tried to stop him from hurting this dog. I got the abuse instead. My shoulders are damaged, my knees hit hard, my left leg is painful.
I was very active all my life. And for awhile, four years, I have cont. to be active. I was still bucking hay this summer.Painful,but working really helped.I am fifty four.
A bit ago I was haltering a llama, the neighbors steer spooked him, he trampled me, tore my meniscus in my knee worse than it was, broke my tailbone, smashed my right foot. bruised my arms terribly.
So every movement hurts. hurts to sit, walk, lay down, stand etc I hate pain drugs,but doc will give me whatever I want/need. I was given powerful ones. But asked the pharmysist spell, about a mild one. darvocet. So if I have to, I take three every two hours at night to sleep. Rarely take them during the day. Also take phergan with them. They relax me.
No problem there,as I am not A at all.
Anyway, I have been fighting depression for the last year or so. Was up and down. Now I feel very done. If I was in an accident,had surgery or whatever, I would like to die.I get this feeling of,"why bother?" It is horribly lonely with NO ONE that i loved or that loved me is here anymore. No gma or gpa to see,no one to visit,or talk to, or love. I have NO love in my life from a human.
I can go days without talking to anyone. I am pretty house bound. When I do go out, the people I see are wonderful. I live in a tiny town, one feed store, uno so i see the same people. I love that.
But I have no one to be intimate with. I don't mean sex, though that closeness is horribly missed.I mean someone to tell everything to and they share and trust me also.
Being a nurturer, I am starved to give. If I could I would do pet therapy in the hospitals and retirement homes....
I do have two kids,now in their thirties.Daughter lives hours away with my cutie g son. I don't see her much. Love it when I do,but will not tell her the depth of my pain,as she has been thru enough,losing her daddy she loved at such a young age.She is an excellent mom, masters, taught at U of O in Oregon. Cool fun lady. My son is bi polar, goes from treating me like He is my protector, to the opposite.Right now it is the opposite. We have not talked in weeks. I called to ask him to help me and I wanted to pay him, he started using the f word, I hung up.HE knows to treat me with respect.No I do not cuss.
Well except I have a cat that is a pee cat,dashes into my house with out invitation, I call himG D it Bentlee....sigh
Anyway my son and I are very close, I could tell him everything. My daughter I protect more that way.
so now there is no human to even hug me. Been thru this before when i as a widow for eighteen years.
I am on crutches, feeding animals, in mud here in Oregon. Winds and rain have been horrendous. though I love it, the pain and lonliness is killing me.It really is. I pray, however for instance, I think of how fortunate i am to not live in a box alone in a city, but that makes me sadder and hate the world more.
I need wrist surgery,and knee surgery and glasses. There is NO ONE to help me. The depression and brain damage from my house tossing me....I mix things up. I forget app.I do write them down, but get confused. plus my dang doc refers me to the city an hour plus away. every try to drive with a broken tailbone,depression, etc?
sigh. I domy best to be positive. Just upped my anti depressants. Made myself go out sidein the weather to day to getout of here. Helped some.
But this horrible lonliness for my loved ones is eating me alive. I dream of them at night, not good dreams. I awake feeling awful. I mean AWFUL. I long to feel happy and good for a bit, I pray, someone please take this pain way,please someone make me feel good.
We all innately need love. sure I love my animals,they know when I am feeling bad.It is not the same.
I am here becuz i would not hurt hp from doing myself in. It would be so disrespectful for all he has given us and me.
The immensity of this obstacle makes me want to scream. Sometimes I just want to sky dive,bungee jump, mountain climb, go chase down whale hunters, break into labs and steal the animals out, go to bad countries to help the kids and adults. and if I die very ok.
there is nothing to live for. thank god I have my Basset hound Tavish. He needs me andI him. he is three now and still comes to get me to take a nap.He sleeps in my arms every night.I need a sleepstudy but I cannot take him so I don't do it.
I hung onto him when mother died and many others. i have protected him from the A and everything and everyone. I would kill to protect him and any of my animal family.
yes I have the two kids. but rarely see them. there is nowhere to go to feel at home. no more family reunions, no more hikes, or watching a movie, or picking peaches, or helping my mothers neighbor move threir bark dust.
Nothing. no one to kiss and love. I LOVE to love my man.
a guy from my past came along a few months ago. I was reminded what a budi friend, and hopefully more felt like.It felt good as he feels like family too. Love his mom and family.
He is suffering the affects of a past A gf. I told him I wanted him. He wants me to wait until he cleans up one more mess her disease caused him.
Yet I don't trust he will want me. I am not the pretty girl he met in high school. he touched my leg under my desk and I slapped him. he says he is sorry for making my life miserable. he chased me for years...
I finally went out with him and loved him, he cheated. was just a kid, but i left.
Now he may be back.i am no longer the beautiful woman he knew. I am scared, softer, still perky from boob reduct. hairhas some grey, still long, still look forty as I never used anything, always healthy.
anyway I feel NO hope there. wish i did.
I just need him to chase the nightmares away. I don't need money or anything. i need a friendship with him. I broke his heart loving my A. Now I am free to give my all to him. but he cannot gie it right now.
tells me towait.
sorry this is so long.and messy, hand is asleep.I tell ya the a disease never stops hurting you. well me. I cry for my sweet husband. i could grab his hand and drag him to bed just to hold me. He brought me a huge van load of flowers, I cooked for him, he loved it, he had more socks, unders, tools than he ever had in his life. he was a remodel building contractor and electrician.
he built my barn just for me, he made so many things for me. he put in two slider doors and glass doors for every room in our house cept the bathroom. said i had so much glass my house would fall down.
he made me spegetti. the best just cuz he did it. I put sexy notes in his lunch.sometimes i worked with him.I could build ahouse now.
every single time he kissed me or we made love it was as if it were the first time I kid you not. being a we were home a lot, but I learned to love it.
I was blessed with so much love, and gave so much love. Now I am empty. completely in the negative. tavish keeps me going.
I am placeing some animals.just have to.i cannot keep up. I have lionhead rabbits too. placed a horse,now chickens, goats, and one farm pig, fannie alice.
wonderring am I doing this to help them or to get closer to not having any so i can die?
It is soo hard, there is NO way I could do what i do if i did not love them. I fall all the time, in the mud. I feed with tears running down my face. I hate aism hate it.
I hate cancer and aids and hep c. I hate emphesema, hate old age,gma was one hundred and six, gpa was ninety five.
I decided a long time ago that suicide is easy.but I say I will do anything for my kids.living is hell,but I do it for my kids.suicide is for me not wanting things to go on like they are anymore, so I look at my options and pick one.
But now, I think, I need my mother, my husbands, my gma, so there are no options, they are dead.
I am not A. I can see what an addict goes thru though to use to escape though.
so tired guys....I need a line thrown out, i need a life preserver, lasso me, but then what?
I am losing weight, slowly but healthly. on great way of eating. read the bible a lot. see hp holding me, I hear an inner voice trying to help me.
I would give about anything to have my on program A back.
thank you if you even read this. love,debilyn tired of toughing it out. have not hadONE day off in seven years.
I am so sorry for your pain... I am just moved beyond words for the loneliness you describe. There is a new day starting right now... and you are right to keep hope alive in the midst of aparent hoplessness...
Take that day off and do something for you... for one day say to hell with everything else and do something for you. You deserve it!
Know you are in my thoughts and prayers...
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I cannot express how long and dark the world felt as I was in my depression. It felt as if there was nothing. Just an unending, hopeless void. I can't express anything other than I understand. I really do. I don't know what else to say.
My heart aches and cries out for you and I only wish I was near enough to come and be with you and let you know that you are so special a person, and to help in my limited way too. However, a huge ocean separates us as does a large land mass and so I pray and reach out to you in spirit.
You wrote so much that I could relate to. I have been there, and some days I too am back there...however, have faith, keep faith, lean on your HP even more; this is the time you need to hold on tightly. Cry out, scream, shout, let your HP know just how you feel. Close your eyes and hold on tight...beg your HP's presence, you will NOT be denied.
When you are at your weakest, it seems that that is the time to hang on to the one stedfast strength in your life.
I did and my God [HP - cannot call Him that it seems so disrespectful] did NOT fail me. He gave me a totally different experience of love, one that surpassed any human love that I had ever experienced or yearned for.
Knowing that others have been/are where I have been has been and still is, an amazing leveller and deepens my faith even more. So, if you will permit me, I shall pray to my God [HP] and am sending you love, strength, courage and comfort that you will feel your HP fill you to overflowing so that this time will pass and you will feel strong and happy with your wonderful, loyal and dependant animals around you.
Peace...perfect peace...and healing is what I send your way today.
Heartbroken.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
((Debilyn)) If I could, I'd give you the biggest hug. You were so very helpful to me when I first came to this group. I'm so sorry you're feeling so much pain right now. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Love you... Artygirl.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
I know I am not the only one to feel the same way, but somehow you were able to put into words my own feelings so often.
My ex AH/drug dealer is dead, but his "legacy" of pain, drug use, and alcohol use continues through our children.
Here it is Christmas, and I know a lot of thoughts and feelings surface during holidays.
I also am an animal lover, although I live in a very small town instead of the country. I am my 4 cats, 2 dogs, 6 birds, fish and a number of strays that I feed daily. Such unconditional love they give me.
I know nothing to say to make you feel better, if I did, I would tell myself also. I do know the things to "say", but some moments our hearts and minds seem to not absorb them.
I do know I have read your postings for 2 years now, and you are a wonderful, intelligent, loving friend I have found through MIP.
Of course we will read your post because you have always been there for us. Sounds like your depression is talking not the real you. You so articulated how I have felt so much of the last two years without my AHsober. But they tell us that another person cannot make us happy. And they tell us that we need to seek solace and guidance in our HP's. I don't think that the Bible tells us that we can commit suicide. Maybe the Bible says to pray. Hang in there and keep coming back.
It felt good to respond to people last eve when I woke in the am. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your shares.
I feel there are obstacles being shoved in my path. I woke to mortgage com. messed up, some one is taking money out of my account we cannot trace, and I am on ssd! I got so overwhelmed I canceled all my doc app. for now
Said odat and pictured hp's huge self around me.
Many people, sound like good ones too, are responding to my post to give many of my rescues away.
However I just went outside, my yorkshire FannieAlice who is just now one, opened my pickup door and chewed up my beautiful velvet seat in there.
I have got to place her. praying to hp. Of course I did not get mad. She has a pigsnoutcanopener. so smart.
I know this is a breakdown. I hear you guys know/relate. I hate knowing others feel like this. No there is nothing anyone can do. We cannot bring back our dead loved ones. It surely is a learning experience of the healing from all the grief.
Some how I need to get immersed in something. Still wish I could go to Africa....just share and listen. And help in all I could.
It is a loss too, my health, my sanctuary. But yet is was a blessing to be able to do this for the time I did. And actually pretty much alone.
hugs to you all. one day at a time,serenity prayer, and mainly saying over and over, everything will be ok. Would someone please come over and put a gate up so fannie won't get out???
My dear, sweet, kind, hurting friend. I so wish I had the money to hop a plane and build you a gate. I do know how. Can muck a stall with the best of them also. Unfortunately I cannot do this. I can hold you in my thoughts and prayers and I am sending to you something that was sent to me when I was at the depths of my worst depression. Or I shall try and send it. I have posted this before to others experiencing this dark hole called depression. I read it often when those times hit. Keep coming back to us here, know that you are loved!!!! lilms
FriendToday I hear you crying and my heart bleeds in pain. I want to run to you and wrap my arms around you. I want to tell you that all will be okay. I want to tell you that I feel your sorrow. I want to tell you that the darkness you see today will go away. I want to take your hand and guide you up the steps that lead out of the pit of sadness and despair into the sunshine. I want to shroud you from the world and wipe away your tears. I know that no one can heal before it is time. I know that no one will hear before they are ready. No one can reach you from behind the wall while you close your doors to the world and so today I cannot sit with you and tell you all that is in my heart for you. I want to shout out to you all that I know, in the hopes that it may help you, yet if I try I may overwhelm you and lose you. I understand. I know you need to sit in peaceful contemplation and in your own time pull yourself out. I want to be there for you in some way and so I give you what I write. My thoughts - the insights I gained from the pain. There is more - so much more. I have been where you are today and I have felt alone. A world filled with people can leave us feeling very lonely when our little piece of the world seems so out of place. But you are not alone. My beautiful friend you are amongst so many talented and brilliant people who are in their own pit at this very moment, who cannot see the unique gifts they bring to our world just as right now you do not know how incredible you are. It seems that intelligence and creativity at times comes with a periodic sense of endless darkness. Many great men and great women have been where you are today - including Abraham Lincoln who accomplished such remarkable deeds. Please keep telling yourself that this place where you are today is not forever. The place you are today is just a rest stop - you will see sunshine and laughter again. Please be gentle with yourself and you will find this rest stop much shorter than if you start calling yourself names.
Many of my thoughts - I know you know -but maybe today you have forgotten. I hope some of my words are new enough to change the way you think today so that tomorrow you will feel the haze lift up from your eyes and you will feel the warmth of the sunshine on your face. From inside you is the strength to end your pain, though today you will not believe me. Today just be a comfort to yourself and try to turn your focus from the negative. Do not feed the negative thought that is running through your mind. Know that today you do not see the world as it truly is so please, do not make decisions from the place you dwell today. Today simply try to find the smallest joy and wrap your body and mind around it. Today just rest and love yourself and know that I care about you and that I am sending you all my blessings. You are not alone. Take only what words you need, my friend; I will not be offended if you should choose to be alone. Just remember when you decide again to return and join humanity ... I will be here.
Did not post as well as I thought it would but it is all there. Sorry lilms
-- Edited by lilms at 16:07, 2007-12-04
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
Well girlfriend, many, many years ago after I lost my mother I sat on a bridge wanting to end it so badly. It didn't matter that I had other people to love me. I can't tell you how long I sat there. But suddenly I got down off of it. I don't know what got me down or why (probably HP) but something made me continue on. I did get some help with the overwhelming grief I felt. There were other times I have sat up at night, wondering if I would make it through the night. This was long before I met the A or knew that he was an A. All I can tell you is that, something makes us go on. Whatever it is, we cling to "it" for dear life. We don't even have to define it. All I know is, I refuse to give up the fight.I know the feelings of despair and lonliness. I too have lost my parents and grandparents and too many other people to count. But we someone have this ability to dig down as deep as we can and fight like . Call it survival. Trust HP that you will find your way out of this. Like I was telling hubby, I absolutely believe he will find his way out of the darkness, as will you, as will I. I am absolutely sure of it. If the always manages to come out, so will we. Meanwhile, I say an extra prayer for you and your animals.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I hear you, dear. I was thinking of you as I was slogging through the snow/slush/mud/wind this afternoon to feed my lot. I hope you are safe from the flooding going on over there.
My AH says, "Hi Deb! Hope you feel better soon."
I am so sorry you are in such pain. I read something today in a recovery book. The chapter was about loneliness. A quote says "Loneliness is a word to express the pain of being alone... and solitude is a word to express the glory of being alone. To turn loneliness into solitude requires self-approval and the awareness that being alone is not a loss or a punishment, but is in fact an opportunity to gain new certainty about ones self."
Debilyn, you do not have to be helping and doing for others to have worth. You are of value just as you are. You are the one who most needs your efforts at comfort and solice right now and you deserve every minute of your time.
This makes sense to me, but is not conference approved, so PM me if you would like the name of the book.
The other thought I had is that when I felt at my worst more than a year ago it was my broken dreams of the way I wanted my life to be that I was struggling to accept. You seem to be struggling as well. I know you want all these people back in your life. You have had so much loss. Also you have lost your health and have so much physical pain to deal with. Grieving for these things is a process and the pain will pass at least emotionally.
Just know that we all love you and are here to listen when you need us.
Our thoughts are with you.
-- Edited by Jen at 21:16, 2007-12-04
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Ah, deb, can you take as good care of yourself as you do your animals? If they needed vet appointments, would you cancel them, if they needed medicine? Self care is as important as care for tothers - you are worth it. You know what you have done for so many of us here - I hope you can take some comfort in knowing how many of us care for you.
oh Debilyn it's pretty much not possible to keep up your spirits when you hurt as badly and as long as you have. What can be done for your body pain? owie I just hate that for you! I too was where you were with thinking nobody would ... well have me - you know, would get me. That's just a story I told myself out of lonlines. My bleak future was especially clear to me in the middle of something I had to do alone which I could have used help with, such as "harvesting" mouse traps (they weren't mice either back when I lived near the water lol) or some home repair I figured was man's work. How much worse I made the situation with those thoughts. I know you have strong faith. I hope you find relief. Caring about you and what's happening with you --- Jill
I know that feeling....sending you lots of love and prayers. Know you will get thru this dark time. Keep the feeling of love from you MIP family close to you. We do understand and love you.
I struggle with depression and know it is good to talk or write so I am so proud of you for sharing your post with the MIP family. This is a good way to take care of yourself, reaching out to others I hope you can feel the love and care coming your way
Also, I hear what I think is my HP too but most of all I wanted to share with you that I miss my father so much sometimes and he has been gone only 2 years. Somehow I feel his presence like we picture God holding us. I can still feel my Dad rubbing my back when I can't sleep may be just a memory but it is comforting and I really do feel they never leave our hearts. When I am trying to repair something, I start laughing out loud as my dad's comments are in my head because of my creative approaches to figguring things out. (:
I share this in hopes that you too can feel the love around you from those who are gone. This bout of depression will pass soon I hope, so hold on and keep reaching out to those folks in your town and your MIP family. hugs and prayers from ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
When I made my first post to this board, you were the very first person to respond to me. I remember crying, feeling heard and cared for. You have touched my life and that of so many others. Your words are always kind, gentle and full of hope.
I hope you know how much you are loved, though I know not in the physical or emotional way you so crave. I wish you healing. I wish you peace. Please take care of yourself. I will pray that your depression will lift and you can see a brighter day.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 03:32, 2007-12-05
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I can only re-iterate the words of others. It si only recently I cam to this board but you are a true al-anoner in every sense. For me god shows hhimself in others and your acts of kindness really helped. Thinking of you Lisa x
I dont really know what to say it is so sad and i feel terrible for you even not knowing you...while i was reading in the beginning i was thinking thank god she has those animals to care for and they need her and broke my heart when you said you had to find some new homes because you couldnt keep up...or was it because you wanted to make it easier if you left the world...i just wanted to let you know the first time i posted on here you sent me a reply and i read it over and over and was crying while i was reading it..you really moved me that someone would take the time out for me to answer back with such kindness and caring...you made a difference in my life and you prob didnt even think twice about it but u gave me the courage to go that first meeting...its like throwing a pebble in the water and watching the ripples...your a big piece of my pebble if that makes any sense hahha...your kind words my first post kept me going this past week and i am feeling a littlebetter....so...its not just the animals that need u...i think at least in my life you are a little angel :) take care big hug from jersey to u!!!
for what it's worth, despite all the physical challenges and pains that you are faced with in your current situation, your heart is still very much intact, as you always do great work on this board.... I am one of many who appreciate all you do for us here, and that you ARE appreciated.
I hope for better health for you, as the healthier we are, both physically and emotionally, the better chance we have of getting where we want to get to & achieve....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
. Call it survival. Trust HP that you will find your way out of this. Like I was telling hubby, I absolutely believe he will find his way out of the darkness, as will you, as will I. I am absolutely sure of it. If the 
always manages to come out, so will we. Meanwhile, I say an extra prayer for you and your animals.
