The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AH is sitting in the car, in the dark, with a beer in a paper bag. The poor dog is in the back seat because AH pretends like he is walking the dog every night. I just think, how sad. He would rather sit in the car in the driveway in the middle of a storm than go to bed with the rest of the family. He does this every night. It used to drive me crazy and I would sneak up on him and BAM! open the car door and the lights would come on and there he'd be, totally shocked like a deer caught in the headlights. Funny how he thinks I don't know. It's not that I don't know, it's that I don't care. Or am trying not to care at least. But it's still sad.
__________________
I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
It is sad and funny--thank goodness for Al-Anon!! "Normies" wouldn't get it, would they?? But, you know, as hard as it is for us to watch them, I can't imagine the shame, guilt and hopelessness that keeps them in places like the one your AH is in right now.
Hang in there!!
__________________
Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Just when I was thinking "well, at least he's not going anywhere" I hear the car start up and he's gone. I know he doesn't have the keys so I locked the door, then sat on the couch in the dark waiting for him to come home. Gawd, just like my mother did to me when I snuck out. Then, when he came home, right when he got to the door, I unlocked it really quick and scurried to my room. Then I sat there fuming and stormed downstairs and demanded to know if the dog pooped or not. He said she did, and I said "that's funny becasue you didn't walk her, you sat in the car the whole time" Then I told him that if the dog crapped on the floor it was all his fault. The I walked off and slammed a door. Then I yelled "F*cking IDIOT". And stormed to my bed, with my heart racing and tears wanting to come but not quite making it. I guess I would call that a slip in my recovery. All I wanted was to go to bed. I slept for like, 2 hours last night. Now I'm running around like a jackass. I have a new job to start tomorrow. I just want to have this nice little life you know? Where we are generally good people and we don't do destructive things and eventually good things happen for us and our kids. I hate him hate him hate him hate him. I just want to tell him to get out and stay out, but I don't want to stay up all night.
-- Edited by RainyJamie at 00:23, 2007-12-05
__________________
I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Oh RJ, I have so been there too. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Its so unfair and unpleasant and dumb and does nothing but rip us and everyone around us to shreds. We feel hurt and we want them to feel hurt too. I have slipped so many times like this, too. I know I will again.
You are under a lot of stress right now with a new job starting. please be gentle with yourself. We are all going to slip sometime or another. every one of us does and will again, I know I will. It does not make you a horrible person. I know you are doing the very best you can right now.
Just know that no matter how you feel or are, its good that you come here to feel the love and acceptance that you will always find here. You are never alone and our love here is unconditional. Tonight I am here, another night someone else will be here for me regardless of what we have done or not done. I wish I could hug you in real time. J.
It is okay to slip. We all have. And some of us have had to re-learn many many hard lessons... over and over again. Progress, not perfection. In the same light, we can't stay in denial about our own behavior. We have to admit to ourselves that we are doing the same tired things and expecting things to get better (or even, to not get better... which makes it hopeless...)
What I've learned I can do is make an amends to myself, or to my HP, because I'm worth not keeping chaos in my life. My life is worth more. I'm worth more. I deserve a life free of chaos. I am in charge of my happiness, sadness, bitterness, hopefulness, irritability, serenity, anger, and joy.
His inventory is between him and his higher power. Yours is between you and your HP. Work it, RJ, you are worth the happiness and joy and the miracles that come with this program.
With love, cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I can completely relate to you! I am amazed at how stupid they think we are! My AH hides his drinking all the time. Usually he comes up with very noble reasons to leave, like "I'm going to the hardware store to get something to fix ____ for you." 3 hours later he shows up home and drunk. A couple days ago this exact thing happened. And he showed up drunk with roses. Give me an F'in break!
As I was reading your post, I remembered how if felt to just lose my f***ing mind over something the A did...augh. It's like we can't make them do what they are suppose to do (can't control them) so we totally lose control ourselves. It's exhausting -- and it only hurts us.
You hit on a few things that are so true, you are not his mother -- so don't treat him as if you are. Let him be the big boy he is and let him face his own consequenses. If it's things that will affect you, like him not walking the dog = crap on the floor for you to pick up, then walk the dog yourself.....I know, I know, you don't ask much from him -- why should you have to walk the dog. Well, if it = peace in your house cause you can't make him do it and fuming and watching him not do it hurts you, then a nice evening walk might be perfect for your peace of mind.
Another thing is -- you are under stress with starting your new job...as great as it may be there is always stress with the unknown. Recognize it for what it is and be kind to yourself. It's so easy to blow off our stress and steam at someone else....and man it's really easy when you have an A that is just screwing up so many things.
Above all remember that you can what you need -- support, encouragement, peace -- even if it's not from your A. You can start your day over at any time.
Right. We slip. I slip. My slipped behavior does not affect whether my A recovers or not. My slip is on me - and my recovery is to benefit me. Any progress (albeit 2 steps up, 3 back, 4 up, etc) I experience truly is to my own benefit. So much to be grateful for :)
Let me be greatful that I started a great new job, that the first term of school is over (!!!), that I have a future, and at least one friend. I have two healthy, smart children who know that they are loved by me. I am in control of my future. But please, if he slips out again tonight, let me just go to sleep. Thank You
__________________
I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
It is truly very sad. You described to a tee what was going on at my home. If it wasn't beer in a paper bag, it was pot. Funny too, other people seem confused when I mention how it was normal for him to be hanging around outside or sitting in the car. They give me the most confused looks-the "normal" people as the other post said. And, I too was one of those people who couldn't just let it go, my fury at his actions would keep me up stewing all night.
I have felt everything you described. My A did everything you described. The way this disease works is just baffling to me. Thinking of you and totally know where you are. Good luck with the new job and getting some peace of mind.
