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Sounds so gross huh?! Anway I have been having a sore spot with my sober AH and it is getting bigger and bigger!! It is a very touchy topic for lots of people who don't even have alcoholic issues. The subject is church. I grew up going to church and I happen to have a wonderful christian family. I do get that not everyone does, nor does everyone want that. When my husband and I first met he was going to church and hoping that would save him--thought if he went to church then the drugs and alcohol wouldn't continue to rule his life. Well we have now been married almost 5 years and shortly after we married he stopped going to church. For a while I was really devastated about this. While now I would like his company in church I know that if he were to come with me all he would do is sulk and pout and judge everyone there. I would end up getting mad and irritated then noone would leave uplifted--which is one of the biggest reasons for going I think.
Anyway his resentments (I think that's what it is anyway) towards church seem to be getting worse and I don't know why. He says he found God through AA and that's all he needs to go to--not church. I understand this, I may not totally agree, but I understand his thinking and I really haven't pushed the issue. Well his sponsor has started going to church regularly and keeps asking my husband to go with him. I think this is what started getting his panties all in a wad! For the past few weeks he has really been "attacking" me when I am trying to get ready for church. It starts out w/ why don't you just stay home, they don't need you there, they are just a bunch of hypocrites, etc., etc, etc.. I know that just b/c you go to church does not mean you are perfect. There are churchgoers who are probably more screwed up than raging alcoholics/addicts--shoot there are probably those there at church too!! I've tried to kind of compare church to his AA groups. Do you agree w/ everyone from AA? Do you like everybody at AA? Same goes for church and church people. This Sunday after his "they don't need you there", I asked him why he didn't stop going to AA b/c they didn't need him there either. He said I was right, the place runs fine w/o him, but he needed it so he kept going so he would be ok. So I said that's why I keep going to church, not b/c I can save people but b/c it makes me feel better. I still don't think he got it. I am just at a loss of what to do. I don't beg him to go, I don't say he has to believe my way or he's no good, I don't even talk about church hardly at all anymore, but he gets mean when he thinks about it. He talks down about it in front of our kids and that really upsets me. I don't think church will save them--anyone of them has the potential to go out and turn into an alcoholic/addict even with church, but I don't think it is something that can hurt them--if they are raised with a loving family. I don't understand why I am suppposed to be tolerant of his beliefs and his meetings and the people in his life, but he can't afford me that same respect? All I want right now is to not hear negatives and griping. Anybody have any suggestions on how I can handle this well? I am really getting tired and angry about how he is behaving about this issue!!
oH boy big topic, one which I never discuss with my agnostic husband . I suspect your husb is really struggling with this idea of God thing I know I sure did and the more I wanted to accept it the more I resented it = go figure. turns out for me it was a control issue , I was not prepared to give up the last little bit of control that I thought I had (key word being thought ) I also resented the peace that those who has accepted God into thier life but was not prepared to do what I had to do to get it . so with that came guilt . Carry on doing what your doing , let him do it his way and this is advice hehe Don't discuss religion again !!!!! Louise
Of course you know that a person can be a great and true believer without ever stepping foot inside a church building. Many consider organized religion to be hypocritical, but they nevertheless love God. So whether or not he attends church may not be an important issue to anyone but you.
You, like millions of others take solace and find peace in being in the "house of God." And that is as it should be...for those who find comfort there. Others do not; maybe your hubby is one of them. My partner does not attend shul with me because he is not Jewish. Same thing...different package.
I know it hurts you that hubby has turned his back on going to church with you, but try this: Enjoy your visits to your place of worship just because you are there, and don't allow his absence to distract you. Sing loudly and smile at the world, and let the warmth you find there envelop you. That's what it's all about.
I wish you all good things and especially happy holidays.
Take care of yourself.
I do not consider this thread a discussion of religion; more a question of doing something vs. not. I have not been one bit offended.
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 13:11, 2007-12-03
-- Edited by Diva at 13:20, 2007-12-03
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I have to say that for me, attending al-anon meetings is gaining direct communication with God/HP which may be likened to going to church (although I never felt any connection to HP/God in any church, ever).
My A family was also born-again. I have been told (I still am) since a very early age that I was going to hell. Once my sister thought I was a demon/possessed. Religion has been used as a highly manipulative tool in my A family of origin so there is just no way I can ever see a church as being any kind of good thing. Its just been too long and too abusive and still continues to be in some cases. I no longer let it bother me. I can see its part of their disease. I stay far away from discussions of religion with them.
Recently, my family found out that there is some Jewish blood in my family. This was quite disturbing to some- so much so that it promptly went underground again...which just made me laugh and laugh. We are all so interconnected and our races, faiths, etc are not so far removed as we think.
Your husband may be having a strong positive spiritual experience in his AA group. That is a great thing!!!
THank you for your responses. I don't mean to offend anyone w/ this topic! Diva-I agree that a person can be a great true believer w/o stepping foot in a church, yes it disappoints me to not share this with my husband I do understand. What I am really upset about is his attitude toward my beliefs and my going--if that makes sense. My problem I guess really is trying to not let his attitude rub me so that it makes me angry and resentful toward him! Again not the fact that he doesn't go to church (I really can accept that), but his attitude that pretty much everyone else who does is missing the boat and has missed out on great things b/c they don't belong to a 12 step group. (That is honestly part of his arguement--well they aren't working a program--which I am sure all of them could benefit from too!)I just feel like he doesn't want to be judged but he sure is busy judging everybody else!!
I was a member of the "I believe in HP, but church is run by humans I have no use for" club for a number of years. And you know, just like coming here... or quiting smoking, or anything else... until I was ready to accept that I could take what I like and leave the rest even at church... I wasn't ready.
But as the others have mentioned ... you shouldn't have to justify, argue or defend your right to do anything that is not directly impacting his life. Your going to church is for you not for him.
Hang in there girl, you are doing great!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
oh believe me, A's are great at judging everyone around them but never can turn that finger around and point it at themselves!!!! And to be honest, I am too. I struggle with pride which is why I need this program so badly.
Have you asked him what about you going to church bothers him enough to disrespect you in front of the kids? Why is he so threatened? That you have a spiritual interest that differs from his? Where is his acceptence that AA has taught him? My ex had a nasty attitude about different things, an opinion that differed from mine on some things. To me, that was ok, not a big deal, to him it was the end of the world. I couldn't wait for the Promises of AA to come true for my ex. They never did. Talking with an A is hard on a good day, isn't it?
So I sat down with him last night and talked about how his actions/statements were affecting me. I tried to make it clear that I wasn't expecting him to go w/ me, or his feelings about church to change. All I wanted was to him not to talk negatively/judgementally about it or the people we know from there especially in front of the kids. I told him I didn't discourage him from going to AA and doing his spiritual program and I didn't think it was right for him to treat me and my spiritual program w/ such disrespect just b/c it was different from his. So after the discussion, he seemed to at least maybe understand more where I was coming from and agreed to try harder to not talk so bad about church especially in front of the kids. Anyway, I tried and now I know for a fact that I have explained my feelings and where I stand and what he does with that is up to him. I will continue to just plug away at life!
My immediate family went to church, but were never hard core about it, and as time went by kind of drifted away. The rest of my family runs the cycle from rabid athiests to extremely judgemental born-again types, and everything in between. This extreme isn't between my mother's and father's side, actually both extremes exist on both sides!
I've dabbled with all of it, including something approaching rabid athiesm. I've concluded that "understanding God" is an oxymoron. I feel pretty out of line claiming to have figured out much of anything about God, and I tend to think others making the same claim as also being out of line.
I really think there's only one thing I need to get through my thick skull about God: I ain't him. Even if there is no God, guess what - I still ain't Him.
I figure I'm human, and so is everybody else. That's the best I can be, and the worst I can be. I do believe in God, but I don't understand Him. I do believe He understands me.
