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My boyfriend of two years was admitted to ICU about a week ago for numerous problems due to his drinking. The first year we were together everything was great and then this time last year I get a phone call from his mom telling me he was in the ER and I needed to come right away. He spent a couple of weeks in the ICU during that time he told me he was an alcoholic and that he needed to get some help. I was completely stunned because I never really saw him drink at all and his family told me a bunch of things that I never knew about. Well, he went to rehab inpatient and then did an outpatient. He was doing very good with it all and then he decided one day that he was better and could control it and did not go back. Some of his family members blamed me and said if he drinks again it is my fault. Every time I would try and bring the subject up he would get very angry with me so I dropped it. Every since he was in the hospital the first time he has not been able to hold down a job and I know he has been drinking but he lies to me and says he is not. His mom just recently passed so I knew he would start drinking again. But apparently he has never stopped since the last time. Now he is in the ICU again but this time it is much worse.
I feel really bad because I don't care as much as I think I should. I love him very much but I am not sure if I can do this again. I have a 8yr daughter (not his) that I have to take into consideration too. I don't trust him anymore and I am tired of it all. Would I be such a horrible person to just leave it all behind?
Hi Maried.. Welcome :) Whatever you choose to do in the best interest of you and your child is the right choice. There is no right or wrong here when it comes to staying or going.
Take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
This is a real dilemma, but one to which I can relate. The only real difference in your story and mine is that I MARRIED my boyfriend after knowing him for three years, and in all that time never knowing him to drink. I understand your horror, frustration, anger, and resentment (or any combination of those feelings) as I had them myself, and underneath it all, still do.
I divorced this lovely, funny, educated, gentle man that I fell in love with when one hot August day he decided to have a beer, descended into the depths of alcoholism, and finally, after two years of denying, admitted to me that he is an alcoholic, but had been sober for more than 20 years, so did not consider it an "issue." We are still together, he still takes off on a three-day binge once in a while, and I have grown to accept that even though I hate him when he does it.
Now that I have given you my background, I want you to know I am ill equipped to advise you. I can only tell you my experience, and that I did not want to be legally tied to this man for fear of having to literally pay the price someday for his carelessness and lack of responsible behavior.
And, believe me, I understand why you no longer care so much, and that your trust is gone. Don't feel guilty!! I care, but in a different way, and I will never trust my partner again. There will always be that lingering fear of what is coming next.
But, there is AlAnon, and becomming involved in face-to-face meetings in your area can be a tremendous help in coping, if that is what you decide to do. Perhaps, "coping" is not the right word to use. I should say AlAnon can show you the way to be happy in your own life, while allowing him to lead his life, whichever direction it takes him.
Remember though, the most important consideration is your 8-year-old child. Do you want her reared in this environment? Is it all worth it? Only you hold the answers to those questions.
I do wish you and your daughter happiness and a future that is bright and full of promise. Do come back here to MIP often.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Hey do not take the rap when the family says "he is your responsibility now". My AH's did that too. But guess who is dealing with him now that we are separated?! THEY ARE. : )
You are not this man's keeper regardless of what his family says. There is nothing you could do to cause him to drink or stop him if thats what he chooses to do. You do not have to feel guilty if you decide to leave. He hid all of this from you. Relationships are supposed to be a two way street and he chooses to not keep his side clean. When I read that you have no legal or biological ties to him, it was with relief. It sounds like he is on a path to self destruction. You have the choice. You and your daughter can ride with him or get off this train. I know what my choice would be now based on my experience.
My only advice is to get to some face2face Alanon meetings and keep coming back here whether you stay or leave this relationship. Figure out why you chose someone like this to begin with and try to heal yourself.
The future can be better. This program works if you work it.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
My ex's family accused me of "keeping him sober". Gosh, I wish I had that kind of power over others. I would use it only for good ofcourse, like keeping others sober. When my power over ex's sobriety wore off and he went back to drinking he went back to his family where I am sure they all had a party to celebrate him being rid of "Sobriety Queen". Funny thing was I never interfered with his program. Never. I think the most I ever said was "You know where to go to get sober." I might have even meant hell at the time and not AA.
I have learned here (in alanon) that is ok to love an alcoholic. I have learned that I can contribute to the chaos the disease creates but that I did not cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. There is always the option to step back, take care of you and your child and let him work out his life. Or to stay and figure out how to live with a sober (or not) alcoholic.
Keep comming back, the people here on this board and in the f2f meetings are wise and loving and they understand.
