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Hello, I'm new to Alanon, I hope its the right forum for my problem. My mother is an alcoholic, though it wasn't always so, she and my dad only started drinking in their 30's, so even though drink was always around and she could be a messy drunk I couldn't say it caused any problems in our lives, it just was on social occasions really. However, my parents seperated 6 years ago after 38 years of marriage and she very quickly took solace in wine, it helps her sleep we're told. But I can honestly say 6 years on she is an Alcoholic in the sense she needs drink now, its not a take it or leave it situation anymore, if she hasn't wine in the house and its getting close to shops closing you can see the panic setting in. She does not think she has a problem, even though we have all tried to relay our concerns she comes up with every excuse under the sun as to why its acceptable, she's not wrecked tired everyday because of a hangover - its her age, she's got a cold, under pressure with the seperation etc. etc. I could go on forever. But to my shame during the summer I realised as much as I have been giving out about her I was enabling her, I live quite a distance away from her but would visit every two months or so and stay the night and I would drink with her when I was there, I would be days recovering from the hangover myself, I just am not a good drinker, but could see my tendancy to overdrink when I did. I have two young children so I wasn't drinking much at home, my DH & I would have a bottle (each) of wine every Friday night, that was our social event!! But I had noticed how much I was looking forward to these nights, the wine that is.
So to cut a very long story short, during the summer I was up with my mother and we had a terrible terrible fight, we we're both very drunk and all hell broke loose we said and did terrible things to each other. Our relationship has never been the best and we were known for arguing with each other but this really was my wake up call. I was so upset the next morning, we both fought that night but she wouldn't take any responsibilty for her part in it at all, it was all my fault! I had previously been seeing a counsellor as I had been going through a very low patch and it had emerged that my relationship with my mother or more to the point, the lack of a relationship with her has a serious effect on me and that I must move on and accept this is the way it is and just concentrate on my own family. Of course all that came out in the argument,drunk, and not that way I had intended it to. God, I'm not cutting this very short am I. So from that morning on I made a decision never to drink alcohol again and I had always known I had a tendancy toward overdrinking. I'm 38 now and I don't want to end up at 60 having a bottle of wine as my life partner.
Here's where the advice comes in, my family know I don't drink anymore which is fine, but I have noticed my mother sniggers at the idea of me being 'teatotal' as she calls it. She also thinks that my sole reason for giving up drink is that last fight we had, yes it was the catalyst but not the sole reason. She has taken a great satisfaction in that, she thinks it absolves her from her involvement in it and of course she told my brothers about it. But we have a family event coming up soon and just from a conversation we had today I am worried she is going to be really sarcastic about it during this event, they all drink so I'll be the only non-drinker and after her having a few she gets quite mouthy so I can imagine her poking quite a bit of fun at my expense. I'm actually quite nervous about it and considering not going but my kids would be very disappointed. What way should I handle it? Completely ignore her ? Anyone been in this position? She cannot see or at least cannot admit it that she has a drinking problem. She rang me recently at 8.30 at night blind drunk telling me about a friend who had recently been outed as an alcoholic, we got cut off in the middle of the conversation but I couldn't get through when I tried to get her back, I rang her the following morning and she had not recollection of making the phone call or anything she had said and amazingly she still cannot make the connection with what she does and these other people who are Alcoholics. Still I've gone well beyond the point of trying to get her to stop/cutdown but am now trying to cope with my life with her. I just feel since I stopped drinking this will put the gap between us even wider, she just seems to have such contempt for me at times, you would think at 38 I could get over this, usually I can, but there are times I miss have a 'normal' mother, is there such a thing I wonder. I would like to tell her one of my other reasons for me stopping drinking was one friday night during my Vino, I went to tuck my boys into bed, I kissed my older son and he looked up at me a smiled and said 'Mum you smell just like Grandma' and he didn't seem to think that smell was a bad thing, even if I don't deserve better they certainly do and I intend to give them that at least.
Sorry I've really rambled on here, but it does feel good to get it all down. If you've got this far, thank you for listening.
your in the right place..... you said you are new to alanon.. are there local meetings that you are able to attend.... if you are already attending do you have a sponsor or at least a temporary sponsor... someone you can call and talk when things get to you... if not please do that .. you will most likely find it helps.. as is has for most of us when we come in the doors of alanon...
what we learn in alanon is how to take care of ourselves and get ourselves healthy... it is our changing attitude that helps make the situation better.... also, we learn not to accept unacceptable behavior... that can be hard sometimes becuase it can mean not going places we would like to go because people will not respect boundaries we have set for ourselves..
So good luck with your family event... and remember she is sick.. alcoholism is a disease just like diabetes or cancer.. they have no real contol over their actions and attitudes when the disease takes over... but you have a say in how you act and react towards them in that state... it is hard to detach with love and step back from the situtation.. and that is where a sponsor can help.. you can discuss the sitatuation and help determin what you will do to proctect your self and your sons from the sitatution.. take time.. so keep soming back.. you will get better...
I have not drunk anything for 5 years. I don't discuss it with people.
I know how it is to live and be around alcoholics. All I can say in a form of ESH is I try to limit my contact. If I'm around people who are dysfunctional I adjust my expectations, not easy to do, I set limits, I limit the time I spend with them.
I grieve, I rage (on here) and I work on letting go of stuff.
Out of the mouths of babes huh ??? congratulations on quitting . As long as your mother is still drinking there is no point in trying to talk to her rationally , she is probably jealous of the fact that u quit drinking . Look away from the smart assy looks she gives you when u say u don't drink anymore .. and who cares if she thinks she's the reason u quit ???? All u can do is love her just the way she is and hope she too will see the light one of these days. Kill em with kindness it drives em crazy . hehe mostly we lead by example show mom what is't like to live sober she may want to try it some day. I hope u look into finding al anon meetings for yourself they will help alot .
You have to see it as the disease of alcoholism. That is what you deal with. And it is hard because the disease wants to take you down with it. Go to Alanon meetings and read the literature. It helps.
