The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't understand how al anon works but it does even when I don't want it to work so well sometimes. Has anyone else felt that way?
I think maybe just changing the focus and having some wonderful al anon folks to acknowledge and relate to how we feel, somehow clears my head so I function better plus learning all these new al anon tools.
I have been extremely frustrated with AH re past family issues. He is changing and dealing with some things better but that is also an adjustment to me and does nothing about the old anger I have about past stuff.
Sort of a sarcastic great, you do that now finally but don't act like it is your idea or that you've done this all along because I don't buy that.
But I also don't want to end up a bitter old lady either so I know I have to get rid of the resentments that have built into a mountain. This has been on my mind all week, turning the riddle over & over. I am coming to the conclusion that I want to be grateful that he is finally doing some things I have wanted for 20 years. So I tried to look at some very tough past resentments in a new way, grateful for the fact we got through the situation even if we did everything ass backwards and I ended up a wreck because of all this. I can only get better and not feel like a wreck or get worse. Also the readings of patience is a virtue and vengence is mine, sayeth my HP so perhaps I can turn over my resentment and sometimes my nasty thoughts of revenge to my HP also.
Has anyone had this to let go and let HP? Does this sound like I am on the right track or am I thinking incorrectly somehow. See how uncomfortable it feels - I can't tell if I am thinking wrong or if it is that I don't want this to work completely from al anon because I have so much built up anger. hmmm...
ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
ddub, There is no right or wrong way to work through old resentments. Whatever way you can is my answer. I came to believe the events that caused the resentments were just moments in time. I had to ask myself if I wanted to carry them in to the present and drag them around with me. Alanon says you can start your day over as many times as you need to. I think the same goes for our lives and what we want as baggage.
You've heard it said that resentments are like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die? It's so true. The person that caused them doesn't feel a thing. It's us that bless ourselves with that mental abuse and choose to build on it for years.
Like I said, looking at it as a moment in time helped me. It's over, there's nothing I can change about it now. I had to ask myself if I can learn anything from those past resentments so I can try to squeak something positive out of it. At least I will have gained something instead of lost.
p.s. I now see resentments as someone stealing my power (and my peace). I don't give in so easily anymore.
Take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
ddub, it seems to me that my resentments sometime play hide and go seek on me. I think they are gone and they seem to pop up when I lease expect them to. Like prairie dogs. My resentments seem to ease the more I take care of myself or simply pay attention to my needs, desires and preferences. The more i get what I want and need, the more the resentments fade, it seems. I think for me it goes back to just keeping the focus on myself which is still one of the hardest things in the world for me to do. But I have got to or else I really turn into a dreadful murderous wench. No joke! I really cannot afford to retain resentments. They are just so very toxic to me. Also another key for me is to work on trust which is really really hard too but I think it may be key to letting go of resentments. I know around 7 months into the program I literally felt weight falling off of my back and shoulders. Like huge chunks were falling off of me. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. Part of that was resentment, I think. Just part. I still have resentments but they no longer rule the roost like they once did. I can see now that they are my very own precious little resentments- nothing more and nothing less. they can be there for now, they are melting away and they will get smaller the more I pay attention to myself and my own needs, the more I respect myself. They melt like butter in a pan over the burner. I literally visualize this.
Also, a little resentment once in awhile is normal and OK, I think. So its not like they will go away forever and I will be free of them forever if I do my recovery right- that is not a good expectation for me. I need to accept that a couple now and then are manageable or OK, progress, not perfection. But I cannot let them crop up, I need to pay attention and keep them in check!
PS: I worry sometimes about becoming a bitter old lady too!
Resentments was something I knew how to do well when I came to Alanon.. and has been one of the hardest things for me to let go of... let me say that learning to let go of with friends and co-workers was not that difficult... but when it came to family it has been close to impossible... but luckily I can say that I have been working on this more recently too as I have begun to see it more and more in my program as something that has been keeping me stagnant... so now each time I see that a resentment is there.. I try and take some time to figure out why... and what I can do to let it go and turn it over...
If I may share. Resentment ,wow, what a word. 30 yrs ago at my Grandmothers funeral an incident happened that made me resent someone in the family. It tore me up with alot of resentment and hate. Just the thought of it got me upset. For the next 16 yrs, during Lent I would pray to my HP. Please remove these bad feelings from my heart. Yet I got no relief. Then one day I was reminded the only person still thinking about it was me. The other person knew I was upset but he didn't care. I was holding on to all the resentment for nothing. I wasted all those years resenting, for what. I now am at peace with it. Resentment is an easy weapon against ourself. So I made a deal with my HP, I take care of the little stuff and my HP has to take care of the Big stuff. (((Have a great day ))) p.s. The resentment was over that fact he never said hello to me. I forgot he too was hurting,
I have a little theory (for myself anyway) that resentments are a way for me to hold on. Eiael reminded me of this. They are a way for me to hold on tight and with a lot of feeling and passion...its just all NEGATIVE feeling and passion. Resentments keep me connected in a very passionate way. And they keep something alive and for me are a way of grasping and holding on when it would probably be best to let go.
I can only give you my esh. When I work the program, when I am working steps 1-9 in particular things change. My perspective changes. I start to work on what was behind lots of stuff. I start to mature. When I met the A I was a very immature person. Now I am less immature. I am more grounded in reality. I am more confident of my ability to take care of myself. I lost myself in the A and in his drug abuse. I lost myself in resentment too. I look at resentments today as something that helps me to set boundaries.
Resentments have their place. I let go of some resentments as I work through some of the program steps. Step 4 helps me to look at my part in it. I don't look at them as self hate.
Charactor defects are something I work on. I work on ways to take better care of me. When I am obsessed with the A and his actions I am not taking care of me. That means I do hold him accountable for his actions. At the same time I am not overally invested in him doing anything.
I found that when I started Al-Anon I had a lot of old resentments toward my AH. I find that the more I work my program, the easier I find I am able to put it behind me.
I'm not saying that I never let the past crop up into the present, but I try to remember that he is changing the same as I am.
In the past I was a crazy maniac whenever he would drink, but now I find that because of my program and my HP I am at peace most of the time. Regardless of if he is drunk or sober.
I have tried bringing up past problems and issues with my A but I find that most of the time he does not want to discuss these things. I have come to realize that it is mostly because he is ashamed of the things he has done while drinking. Instead I try to focus on the things that he is doing right in his life.
He got drunk on Thanksgiving morning and was passed out when I left for work. I didn't even mention it because by the time I came home ( I had to work until 2:00PM) he had sobered up. I think that as far as he knew, I wasn't even aware he had been drinking.
I know that the only way I am able to deal with the past, and the present is because I have a HP that loves me. I find that when I trust in HP everything else seems to fall into place regardless of what my AH does.
In love and recovery,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Good topic ddub. I think I learned to hold a grudge read resentment from my mother. Make them pay. It doesn't serve me well in my adult life. A tape I listened to said that a person who has resentment has a problem of the spirit. I am willing to look into this.
Thank you all for all of your esh on this topic. I have learned a lot from you all which is helping me to see that resentment is only a poisen to myself when I hold on to that which isn't useful anymore...... like misunderstandings or things are changing for the best. It is impossible to discuss the past with A's as they are ashamed or don't remember...maybe a black out?!?
I had forgotten that I can not be resentment free (progress is the goal but I automatically strive for perfection so much, it seems I want to live in a black & white world with no shades of gray - yikes but that is another topic (C:) Resentments will crop up like prairie dogs (I like that visual as I've tried to take their pictures) and they will help to remind me of boundaries set. (tee hee, the resentments will remind me, not the prairie dogs)
A new thought, as I visit elderly relatives and my desire not to be a bitter old lady, is to remember all the wonderful things as much or more than resentments so I have a better shot that I will remember the joy more than the pain as my brain cells fade with age. One thing I know already I will never forget is the growth I am gaining from help of al anon and especially this MIP family. I am so grateful for your responses!!!
blessings and lots of hugs to each of you, ddub
-- Edited by ddub at 00:20, 2007-12-03
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
After this weekend, this post is exactly what I needed to read. I think for me, the resentments are so deep, that my responses are automatic. I don't even realize it until my ah calls me on it, and even so I wonder if it is my response that is so terrible or if I am engaging in the same ol' dance again.
I have given my ah and worries to my HP/God multiple times and it appears (most of the time now) that I am refraining from taking them back - although I like to think that they were being thrown back at me, cause He didn't want them either!
In terms of giving up my resentments, that is a tough one. It seems so more vague. When ah came home from rehab and fell off his pink cloud, he kept telling me that he was told to pray 3x a day for God to take his resentments toward me away from him and it just didn't work. Thus, he felt justifed, I guess. It is almost 10 mos later and I see he still has them. I think I have more than I am willing to acknowledge right now. I realized that this weekend as I barked at my ah when he offered to put up Christmas lights. Much more to it than that (I plan on posting about it) but as mentioned in earlier posts, the resentments just keep popping up. I think I am going to have to start making it a part of a daily morning prayer to try and head them off.
Thanks for the post, ddub.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
geez, the build-up of resentments just generate this scaly surface of yuck in my marriage.
if only both of us could "cleanse" this away on a regular basis. I guess this is something I could talk about with my AH- maybe there is something he and I could do together to address this.
It is such a drag...
Maybe this is true in all marriages- I mean, its not only us al-anoners who struggle with this, right? All marriages/relationships struggle with this and this is not necessarily just an A problem but a larger human one, too- hey take a look at any war, any gang fight and its about resentments/keeping score, I think.
Look at dogs. They do not retain resentments. They just love unconditionally and seem to be pretty happy most of the time. They live a simple life. In my next life, I want to come back as a dog in a household who loves me like crazy!!!
