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Hi all, I haven't written in months, but here's the story,
My AH was fired from his job, a good job, for being intoxicated at work - in October. He's 28, so am I. Then he drank more and more, found a full and part-time job, and we were in the middle of moving across town, did that. He drank more. He got arrested for tresspassing and disturbing the peace 2 weeks ago, because he left his overnight job early and walked home drunk, obviously on someone else's property. (we don't have a car and he has 3 DUI's).
His court date is on the 18th of this month. When he got arrested, I did not bail him out - that was really hard, but I thought it would help him more if I didn't. He said he would quite. This time I actually got my hopes up, against my better judgement. He started drinking again After 2 weeks, and then proceeded to loose his overnight full time job for being intoxicated at work. Now he just has a part-time job.
I think of myself as a very strong person. I have delt, put up with and been through so much with him. I'm level-headed, so why am I so set on staying and hoping and wishing that it'll be fixed someday? I know you guys understand, cause I love him, but how much can a person take? I love him so much, but he is killing himself, and I'm falling apart watching him do it.
His mom is coming over tomorrow to talk to him. I'm thinking that we're going to ask him to go into a 30day treatment program. I can't leave him right now when he's in this state of mind - I know he will hurt himself, try to kill himself - he's so unstable. I know that would not be my fault if that happened, but how could I live with that if it happened. If and when I do leave him, I want to make sure he's stable enough for me to feel good about it. When has that ever happened though?
I have prayed and prayed about this so many times, I ask God why am I with him? What is the reason I'm with him, what does God want me to do or to learn about/from this? I mean there has to be a reason for all this right? I have to believe there is, otherwise it's just not fair.
I remember my dad telling me that I'm so stubborn(not mean, my dad is great, fun, loving man) and telling me I'm like a mule - hard headed. Then I remember him saying the old phrase - "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink". That is sooooooo true, isn't it? God gave us free will. We can be lead into a good direction, down a road best for us, but we don't have to go if we choose not to.
They don't have to quit, if they don't want to. We can lead them into a certain direction, but they don't have to go. And that's why so many of us hurt, and are so sad. Because no one can make anyone do anything they don't want to do, we can yank on the rope and pull as hard as we can, with all our might - but in the end it's their decision. Right now that just saddens me to know there's not a damn thing I can do, cause I can't make him do anything, and it's so frustrating when you know what's best for someone and they won't do it.
Now I know how my parents feel. If they knew what was going on, their hearts would break and they would tell me to come home, because they know what's best for me. I'm from back east, and they don't know what's been happening. But again, there's that free will...... I know what's best for me, but I'm not ready to take that step yet.
Thanks for listening, I'm really scared for him though - I really don't think he is capable of quitting without going to rehab. I leave it in God's hands, and hopefully everything turns out okay for everyone.
Chris you sound like a smart strong woman. You know what the deal is. I know you are scared but I can see that you also know what the truth of the situation is which is no one can make 'em do a thing- not you or his mom or any one of us mere mortals. We all wish we could. We have nothing whatsoever to do with it and you know it. He has his own HP, let the two of them figure it out and you just stay focussed on yourself and your HP. Try not to dwell on him, I know its hard and next to impossible but even if its just for a few minutes each hour, its a step in the right direction. I know you are going to be OK. I have been there and I know this hurts so much to watch them do what they do and we remain here on the sideline completely powerless and that is where we turn and find that first step: admitting we are powerless.
When I was living with the insanity of the active A, I held on tight to the slogan "one day at a time." Actually, sometimes it was "one hour" or "one minute" at a time. That slogan saved my life in more ways than one!!
My hearts aches for you--I have been there before. I stayed when I should have gone because I was afraid for my A and what he would do--I thought he would kill himself. It almost killed me--physically, emotionally and spiritually. The active A is a master manipulator--mine knew the buttons to push and when to push them. He may or may not have been conscious of what he was doing, but he was damn good at it. What I later realized was that all the time that I was agonizing over him and driving myself crazy worrying about him, I was the last thing on his mind. He was too busy living under the dictates of his disease. I heard an Al-Anon speaker once who talked about how alcohol affects that portion of the brain that is the most primative and basic so that dealing with an active A is like dealing with a lizard--there is no rational thought there, no thought beyond instant gratification of the disease.
In my case, things changed when I finally realized that I couldn't save him and I got out of the way. I realize now that you really can love someone to death. I had to let go and really mean it. I had to decide to save myself. By that time, I was just as sick as he was, just in a different way.
So, I told his family the truth about what was happening and they staged an impromptu intervention. Thankfully, my A was ready to accept the help that was being offered to him. But there were no guarantees. But I think by that time he was sick and tired of being sick and tired (he had walked away from his job, wrecked the truck 2 times in a few weeks, lost most of his friends, and during the intervention he was served with a protective order and petition for divorce). He has been sober for 2 1/2 years, is active in AA and we are in the process of reconciling after being separated for 2 years. But there still are no guarantees. I have learned to hope that he will continue to be sober, but I do not expect it. Most days, my serenity is no longer dependent upon my A. I have learned to take care of myself. I have been going to f2f meetings for over 2 years, got a sponsor, got involved with service work and learned to try to put the focus on me--in a healthy way.
If I could tell you one thing, it is that there is hope. But, in my experience, I had to give up my attempts to "control" anything except my own behavior. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done, but it has changed my life. Actually, it has restored my life. Keep coming back!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
You have already got some great replies that are so good. The only thing I can add to is in response to your comment about "how can I live with it if that happens" That's one of those sayings like about leading the mule to water - I heard both and many more since I was very young.
We both know it wouldn't be your fault for anything your A does but that saying makes us feel responsible for everything for everybody. If I believe I can't cause it, control it or cure it then I have nothing with in my control..... and that is where the serenity prayer comes in for wisdom to know what I can change....basically ourselves. In trying to help others because I felt responsible for everyone so 'I could live with myself' that I had done all that I could do....... I realized I was trying to control their life & solve their problems as a way of showing how much I cared. If I don't try to help, then how do I show I care? It dawned on me slowly, to just accept them as they are - sick with the disease of A. What I can live with, makes me think about boundaries and optional plans as the future unfolds. That way, we can prepare for the options now and for example have some money put aside now for later.
I always heard that some things were 'water under the bridge now' but I am thinking that sometimes there is just too much water and the bridge may break and I will need to move on with my life in another direction.
Right now, I can only take it one day or the next right thing to do with hope and prayers. Keep coming back as we are stronger together...... can you go to a f2f meeting? hugs from ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Lots of good replies here. When I asked my AH to leave he was active. I couldn't do it anymore. I had to take care of me. I was adament about him not coming back until he had at least 90 days sobriety. I did feel bad for him and I was scared. But I had to turn him over to his HP and take care of me. I had to detach. To make a long story short, he did come back after a serious bout in ICU. There was no one to take care of him, but me. Fast foward another year (and he was sober), there have been a couple of relapses. I haven't asked him to leave. Why? Because I have worked my program, and made the decisions that were based on what was best for me.
Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. Whatever decision you make, it has to be about you and for you. If you choose to live with an active A, so be it. There are plenty of tools to help you. If you choose to have him leave, Alanon will be there for you. Work your program, do what's best for you.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
When will it end ?? Only u have the answer to that one when your ready to Let go and Let God . Part of our insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting that this time it will turn our differently and it never does . or we do the Maybe if i said it this way ???? When will it end for him > when he says enough !!! when his enablers stop rescuing him and allow him the dignity to grow up . Absolutley nothing changes til Someone changes.
For some of us there is no clean end to it. There are ways to however live with being around an A who is chronically self destructive. For whatever reason and there is no clear one the A I lived with for 7 years decided this year to totally lose it. He lost his job, he lost our home, he lost his income, he lost his transportation. He lived in a car.
I would not be able to put a sentence together here without the support and love from the people int this room.
Currently I do not know where the A is. I thought I would never be able to write that kind of sentence. I felt overly responsible for him most of the 7 years I was together with him. I felt never was the right time to leave. I broke my own financial back taking care of him. My physical and emotional health was gone.
One thing that meant something to me was our dogs. We had two dogs and two cats. The A dragged them through hell much as he dragged me through it. Our dogs started to show signs of strain early on. My big dog, our lab mix started pulling her hair out. This summer the A called me at one point, after 6 weeks of no contact and told me he and the dogs were starving. I took him on again then. I fed him for months. I found him somewhere to live, the only place he would consider. I paid for it. I took his health to heart. i did not take my own health to heart.
I kept working this program and working it. I came here daily and poured my heart out. I received tons of feedback. I still do.
I can't say it has been easy at all. This summer the A hit someone and ran, after that he totalled a truck I nearly killed myself to pay for. He took the insurance money from that and ran. He did not take our dogs, I got stuck with them. I can't say its really stuck. I adore them. At the same time I find it really difficult to make ends meet, pay back bills, take care of myself.
I can't say it has been easy to give up feeling totally responsible for the A. I found it really hard going. At the same time I was not willing to give myself entirely away.
The A did not go to jail, he did not kill himself, he did not starve and he did not stay homeless for ever. He ended up with one of his relatives.
I am quite new to this myself, but after I read your post I just wanted you to know that your not the only one who feels this way. The posts after are brilliant as usual. I can so relate and empathise with you at this moment in time. Sometimes its just such a hard process and my partner has been suicidal, done rehabs, detox's and AA on and off. The dilema for me has always been if I let go and dettach with love and something happens to him will I ever be able to live with myself, never trusting that my Aboyf had his own higher power and I was not it.
After the third time my A rang me up to tell me had overdosed, I told him I loved him but would not be coming to hospital with him again as I just had had enough. Some people may never go, others may keep on but what I am saying is you will know when the time is right. My A tells me I will never understand what it is like to be an alcoholic obsessed with booze. I kind of laugh to myself as I know what its like to be obsessed with him and his life and his drinking, I'm sure one day he will understand the concept of it a family disease.
I remember ringing up to get him in detox as did his brother and mother, but it works for them when they want to work it not us, I can only work on myself but I so often dont but all in our time, somtimes I do an hour at a time if a day is too hard. Take care lisa x
Thank you all so much. That was great to read all your postings, and made me feel so much better. Thank you again, I'm so glad I can come here and get ESH from such wonderful people. :)
