Switchback or living with an alcoholic



I love a person, addicted to alcohol. When hes sober
this is a wonderful lover, husband, father, partner.
A question of treatment is no longer relevant, we
discussed it lots of times. Hes a doctor himself
its impossible to persuade him or cure, we tried.
Should I keep relations or its better to quit them,
until its not too late? Recurring drunkenness, fear
for myself and child, shame, and everything good we
have, I wrote about before. Who faced this problem and
which decision was made?

Life with alcoholic is like a love triangle you, he,
and his addiction. Your partners dangerous habit
assimilates his time, forces and attention. He cannot
belong to you, as hes not free.

Alcoholic is not necessarily a man, who is wandering
around staggering with a bottle and gets drunk till he
loses consciousness. If he doesnt drink since morning
till evening, this doesnt mean hes not alcohol
addicted. Alcoholic is the one who cannot live
without alcohol. Of course, a bottle of beer doesnt
make him an alcoholic, if he drinks it on a day off.
But several bottles of beer every day after work
this is alcoholism already.  Its very difficult to
discover sings of this disease on the first stage.
Everything usually starts with controlled drunkenness:
on every party, presentation, banquet, supper with
clients, or at home, to relax. Unfortunately,
everyone, who takes alcoholic drinks systematically in
a company, runs a risk to become an alcoholic. And
people, predisposed to alcoholism, pass through this
stage very quickly.

Majority of alcoholics refuse their addiction
categorically. Because admitting it - means agreeing
with the fact that youre helpless, that you live in a
constant nightmare and come-down. The most terrible
thing in alcoholism is that it deprives a person of a
wish to get rid of this bad habit, restricts his
ability to feel and share. A person becomes unable to
emotional closeness.

If you love an alcoholic, be ready, that following
things will appear in your mutual life:

- uncontemplated and inconsequent behavior;
- fits of fury and violence;
- prolonged periods of depression;
- irresponsibility;
- emotional deafness and coldness;
- lowered sexual activity;
- scuffles and scandals;
- constant irritability;
- instability of relations.

If you are married to alcoholic, dont close your eyes
on this problem. Your partner is seriously ill, he
needs professional help. This may seem too sharp, but
any professional will tell you that patience,
understanding and love cannot cure a one from
alcoholism.  Continuing to be loving and
understanding, you indulge his addiction. Judge
yourself: he keeps on drinking, changes nothing in his
behavior, and youre always near, solve his problems,
read to understand, forgive. Why should he change his
habits? Shall he exert himself if everything goes the
same way, no matter what he does?

Your partner just doesnt think about it. Moreover,
hell refuse his illness. Or he will say hes not
ready yet, that its not so easy, that he needs to
wait an appropriate moment and so on. All this is an
excuse a complex of denial.

Its very difficult to come out of such relations. You
may feel youre a traitor, delivering a serious blow
to your partner. A subconscious sense of guilt may
prevent you from breaking these relations, even when
your life with him turns to be a hell.

Presence of children in family can complicate the
situation even more. Parents, from whom a child is
dependent, are too weak to protect him. In fact, such
family often is a source of threat and harm for a
child, not a source of protection and safety. When
parents quarrel with each other or struggle with their
problems, they have no time for children. As a result,
a child is thirsting for love, not knowing whether he
should trust this feeling, and in fact considering
himself unworthy of love.

Experience, gained in such family, has a destructive
impact on a personality, thats why those who have
such experience are trying to become strong through
helping other people. They need ones, whom they can
help, to feel themselves in safety. Only this way they
can feel themselves necessary. This way the circle is
locked. A child, who grew in a family with an
alcoholic, often chooses a similar partner for
himself, or becomes an alcoholic himself.

Normal love relationships are possible only when a
person recovers and gets rid of his harmful addiction.
Until hes not free, he wont be able to give you what
you need. At least, love yourself leave this person,
until the situation becomes worse.

What to do?

- Quit playing a role of a savior.  Members of a
family often try to help an alcoholic to get out of
various situations, connected with misuse of alcohol.
Its important to quit all such actions of life-saving
immediately, so that an alcoholic would answer for
consequences of his drunkenness himself in full
measure as a result, a wish to quit drinking may
appear in him.

-   Members of a family often try to help an alcoholic
to get out of various situations, connected with
misuse of alcohol. Its important to quit all such
actions of life-saving immediately, so that an
alcoholic would answer for consequences of his
drunkenness himself in full measure as a result, a
wish to quit drinking may appear in him.

- Search support for yourself. No matter whether an
alcoholic agrees to treatment or not, other peoples
support will be helpful for you, and also help of
professionals, investigating this problem. Group
training will help you to realize that youre not
responsible for your partners actions, and that you
need to take care of yourself, regardless of agreement
of disagreement of alcoholic to treatment.

- Tell you partner that you refuse from living with
him. Explain him that you will be with him only under
one clause if he applies for help immediately. Be
ready to fulfill your threat. If a partner doesnt
start actions immediately, break with him for keeps.
Dont come back until he recovers completely, until
his behavior changes radically.

- Be ready to help. Collect information on various
methods of treatment beforehand. If an alcoholic
agrees to treatment, offer him to go to the first
visit to a doctor together. However, here its
important not to take responsibility on yourself,
otherwise, everything will go the same way. A partner
should understand that everything depends only on him.


Am I to blame?

Therere several reasons, according to which people
are inclined to keep on such relations. Moreover,
often a woman, who parted one alcoholic, finds another
one some time later

- Family story

Life with alcoholic is like a daily road trip. Raises
and slumps, surprises, maneuvers, abruptness and
instability of relationships cause constant shaking of
a nervous system. If a serious trauma takes place,
then the next day a person may feel a certain
emotional raise. This happens because a body sense
shock, and adrenalin is thrown to blood in extremely
big quantities. Its adrenalin that causes euphoria.
If youre struggling with depression, then you are
unconsciously searching for situations, keeping you in
excited state. If you grew in a family of alcoholics,
then your depression, most likely, has 2 reasons: your
past and your genetic inheritance. Excitement of
relations with a person, suffering from such disease,
may attract you a lot.

Life with alcoholic is like a daily road trip. Raises
and slumps, surprises, maneuvers, abruptness and
instability of relationships cause constant shaking of
a nervous system. If a serious trauma takes place,
then the next day a person may feel a certain
emotional raise. This happens because a body sense
shock, and adrenalin is thrown to blood in extremely
big quantities. Its adrenalin that causes euphoria.
If youre struggling with depression, then you are
unconsciously searching for situations, keeping you in
excited state. If you grew in a family of alcoholics,
then your depression, most likely, has 2 reasons: your
past and your genetic inheritance.

- Fear for responsibility for yourself

You want to feel your own superiority, magnitude. When
you have got near your partner, whose life is chaotic,
you start feeling better, more intelligent, more
efficient.  Playing a role of a hero, you close your
eyes on your disadvantages, your own weakness.
Chumming in with people, whose problems require
solution, or getting to chaotic, uncertain and
emotionally disadvantage situations, you avoid
thoughts of responsibility for your own life. Going
deep into dramatic problems, you refuse from looking
inside of yourself and making wise decisions
concerning important aspects of your life. 

- Syndrome of a life-saver

You need to command. When you get to a situation, when
you need to save your partner, you gain huge power
over him.  This is one of the most efficient methods
of manipulation over people. Unconsciously such person
is guided by fear of loneliness and unfaithfulness,
thus he provides his safety, taking key positions. You
need a partner, who needs to be rescued all the time
only this way you can feel youre competent and
protected. You use your partner in your own way, not
less then he uses you.

- Love is a narcotic

You use your relationships like a narcotic, avoiding
the feelings, you would have to feel in loneliness.
The more agonizing your communication with a man
becomes, the stronger it distracts you from reality.
The most terrible relations serve the same reason, as
a very string narcotic does for a complete drug
addict. But you become unsociable without a partner,
whom you can accentuate your attention on.

- Idealization

You invent an image of an ideal partner and live in
your world of fancies.  In this world a partner, whom
youre unhappy with, turns to be your dream man, but
only with your help. You concentrate not on a real
man, but on your fancy about how good he could be and
youre ready to do everything in your power for this.
It seems to you that a happy moment will come in a
little. But a person can change himself only if he
wishes this himself.

If youre attracted to people, suffering from serious
problems, ask yourself: whether I mix up compassion
with love? Whether Im inclined to co-dependence? A
key word in peoples relations is respect. You should
not only love your partner, but also respect him, be
proud of him. Take your time to decide what you want
from love relations, and then make a decisive step
towards yourself.