I haven't been here for a few weeks and it has felt good to have a reprieve, to feel some peace. My dad has started calling me every day, says he needs a friend. That is ok, we talk and as long as he stays sane it is ok. But today he called and I heard that "cotton on the roof of your mouth" and my heart just stopped. He gets really strange when he is like that. I said I was really busy at work, that is where he calls me and I really was. He said he would call me tomorrow and it just scared me alittle bit. I don't want to go back down that road. He is very far away so normally I would email him after he calls each day. He calls to say he loves me and then we email once. I know it all sounds dependent really but I feel like this is a chance to have alittle bit of time with him. He disappeared for so long. Gosh, I know I don't make sense but I do. I love him dearly but his intermittant bleeps into my life are hard. There is so much he missed. I just want so much for him to be ok. I wish my family would talk to him and that things could be ok. But I am an adult and reality is not always that way. I have to be strong about this. He can be very distructive when he gets sick. He will go off the deep end and get paranoid or any number of things I am sure you are all familiar with. And it leaves me feeling so bad. I think this time I will just not search him out. I did not email him today after I got off the phone with him. I have tried to stay focused at work and not let it bother me. I am so grateful for where I am today. I would hate to be in that place he lives in, "in his mind". It is not a pretty place.

Thanks for letting me vent.
Bella