((((bev))))

I was married for twenty years and in all those years I could count on one hand the number of times I got flowers, cards or presents, and not once was my birthday ever celebrated.  It hurt, but I had to let go and get on with life for if I had sat and thought about it too much I would have been unable to keep going.

I have now been on my own for eighteen years and, because my children were never set an example of celebrating my birthday it still remains a nothing day for everyone that I love and who I would have hoped would have shared and celebrated my special day as special to remember.  But it just never happened and the more it did not happen to lower my morale became. 

For years I suffered unbelievable saddness each year that nothing changed and found myself getting lower and lower.

Then my son got married and he got around to asking me about my birthday and what I was doing at Christmas and Easter.  For the next four years he remembered and it was a real delight and I realised I was not intentionally forgotten, he and his sister were just busy getting on with life and had not really thought because they had no idea that it was hurtful not to be remembered.

I moved my mother in with me four years ago in mid April and on 31 May the same year, that is just five weeks later, she traumatically died and from that day on I have spent the holidays alone...not necessarily because all my loved ones did not care but because they were getting on with their lives.  But again I received no cards, no gifts, no phone calls, no letters, no flowers, nothing to make me think that I was even thought about from day to day.  And it was even harder for me to take after my mother's death than it was after my divorce and the family split up.

Each year got worse, however, each year I  got to counting  my blessings and tried to think of what the sadness was doing to me until 2005 when I had a complete nervous breakdown and it very nearly killed me...so I decided I had to change my response, and go back to what I did when I was first on my own in those first ten years after my divorce.

I now go out and look for others who are on their own, or I volunteer to help in the soup kitchens for the homeless or I take in students who are away from home and unable to go home for the holidays, I do anything to stop myself thinking about the needs I have that are not being met by the special family members in my life.  And then I try to think of those who are trapped in war torn areas of the world, those imprisoned for their beliefs, those who are struggling with adversities far worse than mine in floods, hurricanes, famine areas of Africa, Asia, India and the likes and the street children of Brazil.

It does not take the pain away, or eradicate the hurt I feel at the lack of unrequited love and such, but it does put everything into perspective and I then thank God for what I do have and THAT lifts my spirit and I sing.  Sing loud, and from the heart and with joy and happiness - you just cannot help but smile if you focus on happy singing (though I do not know what my neighbours think, LOL) and my spirits begin to lift.

So, although I too am not looking forward to the 'merriment and happiness of happy families' this Christmas I am determined never to let it get a hold of me enough to drag me down to my lowest depths of despair.  I shall be busy this year and looking after two neighbours who live with mental health problems which make life rather unbearable if they were on their own.

I realised that I was judging the actions of others, or rather the non-actions of others by the actions I WOULD DO if I were them  and that was what was wrong.  I was expecting others to do what I would do and that is unhealthy. 

Now I do what I do regardless of what others do or not do.  I give the presents, send the cards, write the letters et al and do not EXPECT anything from any one else, and it has proved to be a far healthier approach, and then I get to thinking outside of my box, by remembering those who do not have even the everyday freedoms that I have as I mentioned above.

I hope that some of the things I have mentioned of my experience may be able to put this into some sort of perspective for you too and remember, there is at least one person who loves you and you will not be alone as I for one, will hold you in my thoughts during this coming holiday in my 'aloneness' too.

Heartbroken.