The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
...I recently had to take some time out and step backwards for a while for several reasons.
The first reason was because I felt that I had got out of my depth again; the second reason was because I had a crisis at home and ended up with no heating or hot water due to a faulty boiler just as a really cold belt of weather hit our area; the third reason was because I was confined to bed after I contracted a further infection that has pulled me down physically and felt me quite vulnerable for the rest of the winter here in England.
Lastly, I began that Step 4 inventory and got so tangled up in it that I ended up feeling the worse mother in the world, the weakest human being incapable of ever 'pulling myself together' as one so called expert said, until I realised that that doctor had his own problems, one of which was alcoholism that he does not see as a problem even though his colleagues do.
Anyway, I walked away from that and as a result I have managed to get myself transferred to the parental branch of my surgery where this doctor does NOT practice and where my own doctor does also practice. This is a really big deal for me and the first time that I have ever had the courage to walk away and even approach someone else and say, "Look this is the situation and I am not prepared to put up with it, what are you going to do about it?", and actually get a good response without having to fight and shout and scream and write letters and involve legal people and fight for my rights and it was a great experience and I got what I wanted. I will not ever need to see this doctor again, if my own doctor is away. I may have to go further to see my doctor now, but hey I am so relieved and happy at managing to get this sorted quietly and efficiently and without any added stress or anxiety even though it was scary for me to do.
[Due to holidays, my doctor was away and I was booked in with the other doctor who runs the nearest branch of my practice and that caused the problem, as it has done in the past but much worse this time and I just could not deal with this any more. I have too much to take on without having him transfer his baggage for me to carry, and pull me down. I can do all that all by myself! LOL]
Am I making any sense here?
Well, anyway, shortly after that I managed to secure a sponsor for this all important step 4 with the proviso that I continue to search for a further sponsor to walk with me through step 5. What a relief, for I then realised that I had been approaching the step 4 wrongly and had freaked myself out.
Heck, I am struggling to express myself but so need to get this out of my head.
As some of you already know, I am not able to go to f2f meetings so this board, and this family is my 'f2f meeting' or contact, conversational point for now and so is a really important pillar for me to lean on at this time especially.
Over the last couple of days I have read much of your stories and posts and it amazes me that some of you know each other so well, it feels like you do actually meet face to face and then I feel that I should NOT be intruding here, which is probably very irrational, but hey that is where I am at right now. Vulnerable and unsure.
One other issue that has been bothering me is that I do need to find another sponsor, one who can walk with me when it is time to move on to step 5, and although I did ask my cousin she did not feel that she could be my sponsor because of her own situation at this moment in time but said that once I had got through step 4 and 5 that she might be in a position to help me.
That got me thinking that I was not worth the effort, that I was not really ever going to find a sponsor for step 5, and that I was going to have to do this on my own, as I have done everything else. And quiet frankly I am tired, drained and exhausted from being alone and on my own and working everything out in solitude, struggling because I know no better or do not have the tools, or don't know that I am simply another person experiencing what others before me have/are experiencing all because I do not have anyone else to compare or talk to about these things.
But then I stop and check myself, for I am not experiencing anything that has not been experienced by others, not everyone this is but some people at least, and how did I come to realise that? Through this board and reading and taking in what you have all experienced through your sharing and then I feel humble and stupid and crazy that I should think that I am the only one in the world to feel like this.
So, why am I feeling I should not be talking via this board?
...she asks taking a deep breath...
I KNOW I should be talking to you on this board, because if I didn't I would be going crazy inside my head.
Hmmmm, well now I have lost the plot and forgotten what I was going to say, but thank you anyway for letting me get some of this out of my head...it is so cathartic...and it makes room so that I can get other stuff straightened somewhat.
I am so grateful that I have a sponsor, who is prepared to walk step 4 with me and who is delightful and encouraging and thoughtful and brave to come forward to help me and I am over joyed that I have begun this process and been given the support to take one step at a time to a better place. So I hope I do NOT sound ungrateful, for I am not, I am just a crazy mixed up me...
One day at a time, I read that time and time again. Baby steps, be kind to your self by taking care of your self...well that is what I am endeavouring to do, by the grace of God and you all.
with love, thank you. Heartbroken.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Bless your heart! I am glad you had the courage to stand up for yourself and do what you needed to do.
I too am extremely limited on f2f meetings now due to health issues. I got another set of caudal (tailbone injections) yesterday, and have pretty much spent the day resting as it gets a bit worse before the injections start working.
Thankfully I am able to reach my sponsor via phone 99% of the time, and that in and of itself is a big help.
Sometimes I forget to give myself credit for the baby steps, and instead start that crazy thinking that I should be doing more! The old perfectionism game of all or nothing.
It's really been difficult to find balance this year, and I sure needed to read you tonight.
Sending gentle hugs from across the ocean :)
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
why do you need two separate sponsors for step 4 and 5? I must be not understanding something...but can't the step 4 sponsor also work with you on Step 5?
you know, one of the first sighs of relief about al anon is how much I have in my head and how much I need to get it out. I guess we are dealing with so much or scrutinize everything we are dealing with so the words just pour out of me non stop. I have never met anyone before al anon who could talk in so many tangents to my topic as I and then I find a room full or board full of wonderful people that are interested in why or how but even better, the al anon tools that keep me from over analysis. I feel all the energy that you have written and can say that many times, I too can write or speak of so much going on in my head. It is a sigh of relief to know I am not the only one, I was not the only one who felt I was going crazy......... there is comfort in that and encouragement that someday I can be calmer inside and out.
hugs from ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I think that my thinking is irrational at times and I wonder if I am doing the right thing all the time, but at the same time I do not know what the right thing to do is and so I come here, scribble my thoughts, and then go away feeling - good I got that out and to people who will understand - and then the irrational kicks in again and I get to thinking, but will they understand, do I have a right to dump my rubbish, craziness, ramblings da di da di da on this board? Are my ramblings appropriate here, or am I really simply crazy and stupid and apathetic?
Then I find people respond and tell me that they have experienced similar things, or that they relate to me, or that what I have written has helped me and it kinda makes me feel not so crazy and stupid and apathetic and so:
Tenderheartsks,
Thank you; I am glad that my crazy mixed up ramblings have been beneficial to you, though quite how I cannot comprehend at this moment it time, I will have to ponder that and your response further, though I am comforted to know that you too undergo '...crazy thinking...' periods as that helps me realise that this is not altogether just something that I do, if you understand my meaning.
Also, the bit about "...The old perfectionism game of all or nothing..." was so apt and appropriate to me. Perfectionism is one of my downfalls, and perhaps that is one thing that I need to look at for it does tend to cost me dearly.
Jean4444, "... I must be not understanding something..." I would not presume to even contemplate explaining my sponsor situation, you will have to trust me and accept that that is as it is; so NO you are NOT misunderstanding something, my situation is as it is and is not the same as perhaps yours with your sponsor and quite rightly too.
ddub,
Thank you for your thoughts, I had not thought of the way I feel as regards the "...going crazy..." like that and so your response has really helped me. And you were right about having to get stuff out of your head because there is so much in there.
AND YET...
...still the craziness haunts me and makes me unsure and continues to screw me up and makes me ask myself; why am I writing all this; how stupid do I sound; am I simply going round and round or is this part of the process of working out what is wrong with me that I need to fix or change in order to lead a more ordered and healthy life?
Perhaps this IS all part of the journey and it is NOT unhealthy that I my flood gates are opening up more in this forum. I do need to get things out in the open in order to continue my journey and it would be unwise not to trust this forum to let me overflow and bubble and release the pressure and build my confidence for I find the trust thing very hard to do.
And yet my inner voice says don't say too much, don't trust, this is not right, you are crazy whilst my heart is saying DO IT DO IT DO IT because you WANT TO WORK THE PROGRAMME AND YOU WANT TO GET BETTER AND YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOU.
Does this all make sense? Does anyone relate? Why am I having such a difficult time with trust? You have NOT given me any reason to think that you consider me to be CRAZY, nor have you given me any reason NOT TO TRUST. WHY IS IT SO HARD?
Heartbroken
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
A couple of thoughts here for you after reading your most recent post.
I find that far too often I analyze too much, that is, instead of asking why, ask what can I do about it now? My sponsor reminds me of that often as I get stuck, and are unable to move forward because I'm bogged down in trying to figure out why, as opposed to taking action, and perhaps putting off 'why' until later.
Does that make any sense to you? :)
Trust has always been a huge issue with me. You see, if I trust, I make myself vulnerable. I have no doubt all of us have had painful experiences that have caused us to revoke that trust and put up the wall of safety around ourselves.
Sometimes I feel my hesitance in reaching out to others for help stems from that false ego rather than trust, that sense of 'well my problems are trivial compared to theirs', 'I don't want to burden anyone with my stuff'.
I have to remind myself I am just as deserving of love, of reaching for (and accepting a helping hand from someone else) as is anyone else.
You, dear lady, are also deserving of love and a helping hand too!
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I often feel I write too much on this board at times but then I get better because I feel I am heard, I am acknowledged, feel understood and feel like I matter. I have often felt invisable in my 3d life living with an A maybe because of their tendency to be self centered or my tendency to not make waves.
I too over analyze everything and have piles of papers where I have written my frustrations down to get them out and made plans to do something different. Right now, realizing that they shouldn't be left for anyone else to read these ramblings as I am growing, changing and feel differently as I learn & travel this journey - so I am skimming them and then burning them. It is like a release for me to let go of past hurts and past anger. As I continue with al anon, I find that using the slogans of let go & let God or just see what happens etc etc, then I don't spend my time on all the things that are not mine to change. I can focus on me more which takes practice. Feed our bodies good food, allow good thoughts to be in our minds and spend time thinking about ourselves.
This helps me to write and let things out of my mind, see? So just keep writing..... on this board, in a journal, and change the questions like tenderheart has suggested to find a new path to walk. You are making great progress and yeah, I relate.
ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
