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I know it not for me to work out but I'm feeling it harder and harder to crawl out of bed. Just really fed up and upset and missing my A who seems to have turned into an alien.
I managed to get through the wedding where he really was trying to set us up to argue but I recognised this. But now suddenly in the last month my A made evrything really rubbish I am not a funny person but he created and created arguments time and time again. Then decided he was leaving and now just wants to get on with his life and be on his own!
We met for coffee today and I was really right with him but he actually comes out with such a load of crap and he believes his own lies the more he says things till I remind him what the truth is. Well I carried on being ok with him and we had a laugh, but it suits him to remember everything bad and nothing positive. i think he is really insane, but maybe i am too!
I just cant believe that he is doing this he is such a people pleaser and yet people who treat him like rubbish he loves and yet i never have and he takes everything out on me. he does not want to be with me yet is accusing me of affairs behind his back. he is so gutless really really fed up wish I'd never met him what a t...er!!!!!
I can relate very very much. I very rarely see the A anymore. Its been months. I think there are layers to it. Seeing their people pleasing is huge.
for me in some ways the resentment was the beginning of the boundaries. I was so absolutely boundaryless with him for years. When I started posted here about how I felt I started to set limits. I build on those limits to eventually protect myself. I am still very very raw but I am no longer totally manipulated by him. In fact now when I speak to him I have very little reaction. My issue is grief and anger over stuff from the past. There is nothing new being added to the pile. I have a lot of healing to do, years of it but I will get there. Keep posting about how you feel I know for me it was hugely therapeutic.
chick we cannot make them love us. We cannot make them do anything and really now, would we really want to? Don't you want to be with someone who really wants to be with you, the real you? Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? I know this is a hard reality but it may be like losing a job that you had that you really did not like but you kept going to it because there was nothing better to do. It may be a blessing in disguise that this guy is the way you describe.
I have been with men who were like this. I know what this feels like and it really hurts but for me it had to do with me needing to take care of myself and loving myself. I found this in al-anon and now I know my HP is loving me 24/7 so I do not need to feel so desperate for love and affection. I am getting it directly from the source!
You deserve better than what this person has to offer you.
In the meantime focus on YOU, not him, not what he is thinking or feeling about you, what he is doing or not doing, when or with whom. Just pick up your brain and place it back on YOU and only YOU. Keep doing this, lovingly- like guiding a child away from the cookie jar.
It is totally Ok to lay in bed some days. Sometimes for a few days or even a week. I have and it wasn't the end of the world. We all have our own ways and our own pace. You are exactly where you need to be or else your HP would not have placed you where you are at this time. Trust your HP and the process your HP has set forth for you. You may not see what your HP is up to but when you look back, you will see the pattern and be thankful. Its mysterious sometimes.
You are going to be OK!!
I just wanted to add something about the ongoing negativity piece. This, for me, is the hardest to deal with, I mean how can you locate any kind of joy or delight when you are with someone who is 24/7 negative, crabby and grumpy and believes that everyone is out to get them and make their life hell?! Every single thing gets turned into something personally bad for the A. I find this to be simply exhausting and its something I am learning to detach from as much as possible. Its also a real drag to be around, period. I love upbeat people, ones who just roll up their shirt sleeves and cheerfully get going on stuff when things get tough instead of turning all victim-y and broken. I am in my heart of hearts like this but if I surround myself with down in the dumps negative people I get that all over me too. I work to be pretty choosy about what kind of energy I am going to allow around me, generally. I stay away from the negativity as much as I can. I know other peoples energy influences me so i need to be careful. Negative people are not good for me.
Sounds like my AHsober talking. It's you, you, you. No one likes you. My A is such a people pleaser, it is like he thrives on being helpful and being a good listener and people just think the world of him. Even my own mother. And I say why are you being so nice to him, he's divorcing your daughter? They say that they need to start an arguement so that they can justify drinking.
Sounds like my AHsober talking. It's you, you, you. No one likes you. My A is such a people pleaser, it is like he thrives on being helpful and being a good listener and people just think the world of him. Even my own mother. And I say why are you being so nice to him, he's divorcing your daughter? They say that they need to start an arguement so that they can justify drinking.
In better periods he said I was the most beautiful and intelligent person he has met inside and out and the fact I have not judged and accepted him is something he has never had before.
However he is in ill person could not remain faithful, causing me major resentments, guess I'm ill too we usually phone and text so much every day, I guess its weening myself off that habit as well. I was promised marriage and this that and the other I know this all sounds ridiculous but I just need to offload that this is how I feel at the mo. Despite everything I'm not letting go at the mo.
I am sensible have own house good career, own friends, treat myself but this is just me at the mo, cant get angry this is a hard process. I'm probably as addicted to the chaos of our relationship as he is to booze. #Yours in honesty Lisa x
I went thru that cycle with my ex also... I was very "codependent" as my therapist put it... and also I learned when a marriage or long time relationship ends there is a grieving process just like when someone dies.. and we can go thru all the same emotions and turmoil...
I recently lost my oldest son to this disease.. and started looking at online greiving groups.. forums.. and have found a some.. but what I noticed is there are also some for people going thru divorce and breakups to help thru the grieving that some of us go thru.... if you use google and do some searches they are pretty easy to find....
If you would like some help looking.. let me know and I will be glad to help you find some to check out....
Lisa, I have heard it said in these rooms that you can take the word "drinking" as applied to alcoholics and change it to the work "thinking" for us al-anoners and I think that is pretty accurate for me. I may not have a drinking problem but I sure do have a thinking problem. Sometimes I treat feelings/emotions/thoughts like an alcoholic treats booze: one is too many and 30 aren't enough. It was like I did not have a dimmer switch- it was all or nothing.
i do this. what your first paragraph said about staying in bed. the difference is NOW if (at the first sign of depression) ...i'm waking up and dont e v e n want to do anything but cover my head and stay there till the wrong things in my life have gone away or changed for the better... thats when i get to a meeting! i know if i want to get better....i get to where others can lift me back up and get me headed in the right direction. because what i want most is to be in good health and feel love for *my life. at a personal level it is key. and healthy wise healthy thinking tells me to get up and to get busy taking care of the one person that should be and now is the most important in my life. me. its ok and its not selfish to think about my personal dispositon before that of others. if im not healthy what good would i be to someone else? not good.
if i were to live my life ... relying,... to rely on someone else to make me happy then i am sure i would of never found out that the easiest way to be happy is to let myself feel the words ... on the inside. live the words. i am so grateful to of found and to use these "tools." the positive words. hopeful words. (with MIP I love the slogans and working the steps of this program.) i like to think and use words like .. well, lol... happy. joy. love. to name just a few.... and then place those words into my day , my morning. my life. i love my AH. and in order to stay healthy and continue to love my spouse i have to stay healthy in my mind in my body and in my spirit. that is where HP /God comes in. Its also where this program, Alanon comes in to the picture for me too. *for Me. My Higher Power / God takes all those things that are not my business.....that want to hurt me inside.... that want to control my thinking or my actions. HP/God wants to take anything i am willing to let go of. all or anyone that may want to take me down with them or control me into negativitiy or negative thoughts.... i can turn from them and let HP/God have them. or that. i can turn it all over to HP/God. And get busy doing things i enjoy. i can get on with my day. i can make today , my first day to really feel alive. and know i am loved. i know my HP/God loves me. to me thats very powerful. with alanon I have found the "tools" to keep moving forward and to stay in the moment and be here in the moment and live it one day at a time. haha.... one moment at a time if i need to. to stay positive and *to live and let live.
I use the slogans. no ... i mean i USE the slogans. Keep it simple. is a good one i say to me to myself when i'm tryin to think to hard on something that is only getting me frustrated and anxious.
I love the 3Cs;
I did not cause it. I can not cure it. (and most of all) I can not control it.
That slogan fits into somany aspects of my very day (mylife.) my daily life. And it frees me from having to fill my head with negative and unsolvable matter or negative *thinking. some call it stinkin thinkin. i find that fitting. stop the stinkin thinkin and fill it with ..... well flowers and nice.
I understand now. finding a way, a positivie healthy way, to love me brings about something that others see ...and in doing that it comforts me. the positive thinking grows inside and soon it begins to show on the outside. i start at step one each morning... i also read alanons daily reminders (One Day at a Time, and love the Courage to Change) each morning. they always help me start my day on a positive note. all these little things are so important to me. helps others (that love and care about me) to realize (by my actions and my inner disposition showing through) that no matter what i know i am going to be ok. it does bring about a calm.
if the postman is late with an important letter. i dont spend the morning fretting.... when will it arrive... where is that postman...im going nuts, i wont be happy till the post man comes NOW. lol. Before Alanon, i did. Now., i go on about my business and rest knowing that when its time... the letter will arrive. i dont mean to sound like everything should be shrugged offf. I just mean that if its not "time" for it to be answered, its ok to rest knowing that in time the answer will come about. when it is time.
i see this is kind of how HP/God works, in his own time. so now...Today, this minute im gonna "stop" the negative thinking and *get busy and do what i can to fill my day with happiness and progress. *progress not perfection. :) another and another slogan *Get Busy and Get Better. I know it truly is what i want for my self. and i know those that really love me.... deep down i know its what they want for me too.
Get to a meeting if not local, the chatroom has them too.
Meeting Schedule; Monday through Friday 9am and 9pm EST, Saturday 10am and 9pm and Sunday 10am and 7pm.
Alanon * Works If You Work It. (and the slogan goes on to say...) So Work IT Your Worth IT
sorry this i so long....lol. anyways, ((((chick))))))) take careYou .
i do this. what your first paragraph said about staying in bed. the difference is NOW if (at the first sign of depression) ...i'm waking up and dont e v e n want to do anything but cover my head and stay there till the wrong things in my life have gone away or changed for the better... thats when i get to a meeting! i know if i want to get better....i get to where others can lift me back up and get me headed in the right direction.