The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH "disappeared" over a week ago. Apparently he had lived out of his car for a number of days. He then, through his work at the hotel, was given a room to use until he could find a place to rent. He called Friday and wanted to see our daughter. We agreed he would come over this afternoon to spend time with her. I put her down for nap around 2 -ish. He called at 4:30 and said he wasn't coming. He was afraid, afraid of me and would rather meet some other time at a fast food place. I was disappointed and my daughter (who is almost 3) became very upset. I told her he was coming to visit earlier and she was excited. Around 6:30 he calls and says that he's changed his mind, he was almost to the house. M (my daughter) goes to bed at 7. She was already upset as it was. She already has been deeply affected by his immediate disappearance with no contact. Her separation anxiety is pretty bad right now. I can't even walk more than 10 feet away from her without her getting very upset, running to me, and sticking to me like velcro. Well, he drove up, rang the door bell. I opened the door and I swear our dog was going to attack him. She was bearing teeth and all. M ran behind my legs and wouldn't even look up at her Dad. I gave him permission to come in. He started talking crap. I tried to divert his attention to M, he was there to spend time with her. It appeared he rather talk about himself. I tried to talk with him about her best interests and set up a regular schedule for him to see her. He avaded the topic and stated that he wasn't sure when he would be able to come and see her. He was going to get a second job, which was going to keep him very busy.
At that point, I don't know what over came me, I asked him for a divorce. I was calm (with some tears). He said yes. He said he was sorry for being a drug addict, terrible boy friend and husband and that I was doing the right thing for me and M. He said he would like to, after his two year court appointed rehab program is over, to have M come to stay with him sometimes. He just doesn't have the time for that, now, but later.. years down the road...... shall I hold my breath on that one?
I'm not sure if I'm imagining this right now. When is reality going to sink in? I have to get up in the morning, get M and me ready for school, write lessons plans (which DIDN'T happen tonight.. go figure) and prepare for an IEP meeting that I didn't get to prepare for tonight... go figure that to. Tomorrow is going to s**** or will it?
I am so in shock and disbelief, t his is the worst feeling.
sorry to say I have not been in that situation.. but if you keep your focus on your program and your daughter.. keep her and yourself safe and healthy.. the rest will come one day at a time....
It is tough! When my AHsober and I argue I so waste the day and don't prep for school. It all works out. Can you separate your issues and take them one at a time? First your daughter, then your well being, then the divorce, etc.
((((Heather)))) I have not been through this with a spouse but I have seen it happen with a son. One thing I have learned since I came into the program is that when they promise you something they really do mean it right then and there. Their intentions at that moment are good but their disease keeps them from following through on most of the promises. The other thing is that the disease consumes them mind body and soul and all they can think of is themselves because the disease will not let them think about anything else except where and how the next drug will come.
The one thing that helped me the most was when I accepted that I was dealing with two people in one body. I was dealing with my son and also dealing with an addict. I know my son would not call me the names the addict did. I know my son would not have robbed my home but the addict did. I know my son would not abandon his children but the addict did.
In my dealings with him I no longer give sympathy, I give him the bottom line but in all things I always remind him that I do love him.
Tomorrow probably won't be as much of a disaster as you are expecting it to be. A little time seems to give us a better perspective on most situations.
Hang in there, if you go to f2f meetings, call someone on the call list, that's what it is for. If you don't go to meetings then I highly recommend it. I know Al-Anon saved my life and I have faith that it will do the same for others.
Take care of yourself and remember you are exactly where you are meant to be.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I have been thru it. I remember feeling almost surreal because my life was so far from what it was and what I thought it would be. And life goes on, and I have to take care of the kids and get to work and try my hardest to stay sane.... I'm sorry you are in this spot. This too shall pass....
You got the support!! Keep doing well. Sounds like you see the picture clearly for now and are being real. No it doesn't feel good and one thing I learned from my sponsor (past) is bad feelings can't kill you. They hurt and pass. You got feelings...use em and then let them go.
A tip I have learned with my own daughter regarding any planned activity that includes and alcoholic...I don't tell her until is a sure thing (like the person is a the door).
She has been disappointed too many times by her A grandparents canceling at the last minute, or her A father not following through on a commitment.
Sorry you have to deal with this at all. Stay strong!
I know it's hard in the beginning, but it does get better! If it were me, I would focus on picking the choice that has the best outcome for me and my children without fail every single time. I have had a few times where I was questionable about visitation but all in all as long as your end game is the best for you and her then you are probably doing the right thing. I used to question myself and my decisions all the time. I still wonder if not allowing visits with his son is right or not (he lives in a shelter and has not job or transportation to come see him anyway). All we can do is what we think is best and go from there! Put your daughter first and make choices that are best for her.
Heahter these are tough tough times but you will make it through this. I have my own tough time in absysmal financial hell after leaving the A. At the same time its easier than living with him and not knowing what he is going to do next. I think it is also easier than dealing with him or trying to communicate with him. For me those times are days when I take it super slow. I am in the rebulding phase. There are hard times in there, nothing happens overnight. You have an enormous support here. Keep posting.
You've got all the love and support coming your way. When I get to the feeling of being completely overwhelmed I have to stop and get my "tool box" out. I take time out for me. Especially with the holidays coming up I have this need to "GET EVERYTHING DONE - NOW!" Well reality is, a racehorse can only go so fast. I'm an old racehorse. I am now down to a trot.
I'm sitting here on my day off and realizing there's plenty of things to do. But am I going to get it all done today? Probably not. While I make lists of things that need done, I no longer add to it when I cross things off. Breaking it down as Nancy suggests is a great idea. So I break down my chores, as well as my emotional chores. I don't need to get everything done today. Nor do I need to tackle all the emotional issues in one sitting. I didn't get this way in a week nor will I fix myself in a week.
Be gentle on yourself. ODAT or in some cases one minute at a time. Make sure to take care of you as you and your daughter will benefit from it. The dishes, the divorce will all be there when you're ready to tackle it. Take a "fun day" just for you and your daughter. I like to call them Piper Kitty days, after my cat. After all, she gets to do what she wants when she wants without feeling guilty about it. Why can't we? If you want to lie in bed all day and watch cartoons with your daughter: GO FOR IT! Sounds like fun to me. If you want to run in the woods and catch mice - GO FOR IT! If you want to blast the stereo and boogie - GO FOR IT!
The point is part of recovery is taking back your life. Living the life you so richly deserve. Giving yourself a mental health day or afternoon is a really good thing. Suddenly things look up. The always comes up. Keep coming back to us. You'll be just fine.
Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
((((Heather)))) Sending you my support. It sucks all the way around, but when it comes to our kids, that is the worst, or at least it is/was for me. My daughter is four and at three, her dad went to jail (alcohol related) for 8 mos. The pain it caused her was excruciating at times. The only thing I could do was put one foot in front of the other. Kept our routine in tact (work/school). Made fun plans for our days off (playdates. activities). She asked a lot of questions (always has). I answered them the best I could. The very best thing I did close to the end of his incarceration was to reach out to alanon. It has helped me along when I was in the most pain I have experienced in my life.
If you haven't already, I would recommend face to face meetings. That was the first step I took to take care of me, which only made me a better Mom to my daughter.
If you want to run in the woods and catch mice - GO FOR IT! 
If you want to blast the stereo and boogie - GO FOR IT! 
always comes up. Keep coming back to us. You'll be just fine. 
