The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Having carried on posting which is the good thing I hope, please refer to my last post on the original that is my response, I just think of this a forum as a circle I hope we all continue to meet each other in our needs. looking back perhaps my response sounds angry, but its honest i wish i could get to a ftf just really sad today xx
Chick, I tell you as sincerely as I know how that I meant no disrespect in posting my response to you. I am truthful, and sometimes the truth hurts; but when we hear it, oftimes we garner the strength to make much-needed changes. If you were offended I am sorry. If you are making changes, I am glad.
I wish you and yours all the love and joy that the holiday season has to offer.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Do you wish to share or vent Chick? We are here to listen. I don't want you to be sad and be afraid of responses. I know you are no pipsqueak. But even the strongest people sometimes want only tender support and a listening ear.
What is making you sad at this point?
I have days Chick where I think, well is this it? Is this all there is now, have I done it all, had it all? I am grateful so grateful for my full life. However sometimes this loneliness for my loved ones is almost more than I can live with.
Your turn. much love,debilyn who's mucho loved pickup died on a bad road, two cop cars came all lit up, dark, cold, scared, and thought about jumping in the river.And we alll know who's fault it was. AH of course !!!lol lol lol
oHHHH Now i read your first post. Yep I bet the wedding was hard. You reminded me of how at first it can feel so good then bam the disease opens his big mouth.
dang. Ok dear you are English correct? What did you mean you wanted to give him his space back?
Uno the disease never goes away. Using drugs including alcohol, is not the only problem with an A. There are a bunch of other symptoms.
Also chick abusing is not a symptom of A. He could be on program for one day or ten years and still be abusive.
That is a whole different bug.
Of course you are sad. I have read what you want. Rain is in the same space, though she has Sprouter oni. She is serious about relationships now and wants to get married. But is super careful.
I hate to say this, maybe I have been thru too much but I am not liking most men very much. Including my son who I love.
So be very careful, protect your heart.
If A asks you or anyone asks you questions you find repugnant, or whatever, what I say is,"What makes you ask?"
I love you respose to responses. LIke i told you in pm, people here are caring, they NEVER mean to upset anyone.
And Diva is right, "some" people do respond to in your face type counseling. They take it as someone cares enough to say it. Some shrink back and go away.
Glad that is over. shutting my mouth, pass me the duct tape. We used to say that all the time on here....
Thanks for responses again, thank you Diva for your reply.
Debilyn, when I said 'give him space back at his place' I meant I own my house which he virtually lived at but I never let him give up his own place. My A has been out of control when drunk but although I have been niave in some ways, I have never been niave financially.
My A is a bright intelligent person however he has never held a job down through being drunk. He is a decorator by trade and always gets work to tide him over but with out saying too much I disagree with how he does this.
I suppose despite the hard times of 4 years I have always held my job in training down whilst studying counselling, I think at the mo my A knows he has cheated, nothing to do with not being content with me he says, he explained it in terms of total defects of character, low self esteem looking for quick fixes not being mature and not appreciating what he has. I think and he has said as much he would not be faithful to a supermodel until he has worked his steps.
I like hearing explanations but it still makes me angry but I played my part in the merry go round by staying with him after his rubbish behaviour. I wake up in the morning and when he is there its just so nice to cuddle in, but I cant just stay with him for morning cuddles to help me want to get up in the morning. Perhaps I should just cuddle a teddy or something (what I baby I am)
The trouble is I have received so much affection as a child and I give it easily too if people are upset, however my A had the opposite and because of sexual and personal issues he is not comfertable with affection, sex and being emotionally available.
Finding it hard to live in the day but if I dont I will crack up.
I can only give you my own esh. The more I delve into the program into doing a step four on my behavior the less I beat myself up. The more I do discover there were many many many factors for why I stayed with the A. I simply cannot beat myself up for it. I can understand it and forgive myself for it. The more I understand the more my behavior changes, the less I rage at him. Yes he did not want to get better. Lots of people in my life did not want to get better. We can all get stuck around addictive behavior. That is compelling stuff.
I hrtink in my esh is that I would say the A still says the same stuff to me. One of the things he says is that it is all my fault. He also says I did not "do: enough for him. I have to say this it took me a full 2 years here to stop arruging with him. When he says these thigns now I say very ittle but I don't argue with him. I don't even grieve that he thinks that. I see it as part of his illness. there is absolutley no quesiton I almost killed myself for him. There is also no question I gave him my last cent but it still wasn't enough. I spent hours and hours and hours here grieving, venting, putting it out there. Then graudlaly slowly I started to detach. i am upset and sad that the A is where he is but I no longer take it on msyelf. I am also upset and pretty angry that I am where I am but I do not beat myself up for it. I also am not in a good spot in my life. I am in no way saying do what I do. The road out is a hard one. I can't say I jumped out of the relaitonship with the A into a happy life. I had a rotten thanksvigin this year much like I had a rotten thanksgiving with the A. I di dnot explore all the resources I had. I simply could not go to meetings and hear people be grateful for their families. I have a real issue with ftf meetings t Thankgiving and other holidays times. I need to find other resouces. Sometimes those things don't appear when I need them. At the same time having a rotten thankgiving alone was better than having a rotten thanksgiving with the A.
Leaving the A was extremely difficult for me. One of the difficuties was for me the comfort level I had with his mess. I also had a comfort level with being part of a couple. I did not want ot be sinlge, still don't. I want to be part of and not alone.
Wheter you say with the A or leave him the road is difficult. For me it has been a great deal of growth, wisdom and patience. I found a group here who are there for me no matter what. No matter what crazy ideas I come up with, no matter how far down I am, no matter how angry I am they are here fo rme. That is something I wanted all my life. I found that quite by chance when I looked for help in leaving or dealing with the A. By chance I left the A. I would stay and stay and stay if I could but finally it got so bad I left. I left with nothing. I am rebuilding. We all have our own way. In this group we have love, understanding and sometimes people do not know where we are coming from. Does every single person in this group need to understand me, nope. But i have found understanding, love, support and tremendous encouragement here.
