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Well just got back from the wedding that I went to with my A but we are currently having space, I really hope its not permanantley!
I first turned up and we were genuinley pleased to see each other, he told me how nice I looked and he was so smart in his morning suit. It was hard day for both of us, in the sense of people drinking around him, I joined him for a few soft drinks and escaped for a few cigarettes kept him company.
A lot of old traits were there and he acts rubbish with me because we press each others buttons maybe not on purpose but it happens. I can see how far he has to come and my self also. He really resents that he has to change and often says what about me even picking on my hairstyle. A lot of people make a fuss of me tell me I'm nice and also like my hair I think he is jealous. he is really vain with a big ego yet really unsure a people pleaser and not comfertable in his own skin
My A does not know who he is, he has been in relationships and acted so awful people have had no choice but to dump him. I feel so upset I have been the only one to discover al anon and aa and encouraged it. Now because he has caused so much crap its like he would rather have a clean slate rather than deal with it. I'm aware its still so early I doubt he has done step1 properly let alone all of them. I'm really willing to give him space back at his place and I guess if I stop getting upset we could spend some time tog as friends as I enjoy his company and personality.
I felt I was getting set up for anargument at the dinner table at the wedding, he asked about whether I'd slept with a mutual friend before I ever met him. i just could not answer and said it was not a good time, also I'm a private person. He changes what he says and his actions every 2 minutes. I pray one day he realises my good qualities and appreciates the good times. He said if i found someone else he would probably look back and realise what an idiot he has been. Frankly I'm not in the mood for anyone else its not a healthy thing to do, and if he gets with someone else in the next few months I need to remind myself that he will encounter the same problems as he wont have done the twelve steps by then!
Mean while he plays football more than AA and his books remain forgotten at my house, none of my business I know but a telling observation. I really really miss him wish we were out on a walk today with a film on the evening with sweets, he said so too but were not so I'm trying to keep busy. So Saaadddd!!!
He's in really early sobriety? All of this sounds very common. He will either start working his program in ernest and start to see his part in things, or he won't, and will eventually start drinking again. Sorry, wish I had a better spin to put on it, but there it is.
All you can do is work on your own end of things. If there is some part of the problems between you two that is yours, change your behaviour and see what happens. You can only sweep your own side of the street, not his.
I'm glad you had a good time at the wedding. It's good to snatch moments of happiness. Sometimes it's all we can do at the moment, and regardless of where the disease takes us we can always cherish the good memories. Too bad he turned into a putz at dinner, but the bride and groom didn't notice I bet!
How far you have come. Awareness is so so important. This summer when I was supporting the A. we had many similar interactions I always came away dismayed and exhausted. I would go to spend the entire weekend with him and never feel any of my needs were even discussed let alone allowed. I would also feel like everything he did was a mess and that somehow I had to help. These days I do not help. That does not mean I do not care but I no longer help. Helping got me to the point of no return. I got to the point where I had nothing left to give. As an inveterate people pleaser that was truly humbling. I always believed there was something I could do. At the end there was nothing. Saying no to the A was one of the hardest things I ever did. Saying no was the beginning of saying yes to him. I felt deeply deeply deprived in that relationship. What I am having to look at is that was comfortable to me. I was deeply deeply deprived as a child. i got used to beggint to get my needs met. I also got used to being around people who were profoundly selfish as the A was.
This week I spoke to the A and he was the same old story. All thse admonistions about what i coudl and coudl not do. One of them was to speak to people he knew. I thought about it afterwards and realised there is one rule for him and another for me. I can't tell you how many times he blasted me to others. the last was to say as always I was responsible for everything wrong in his life. We are six months out (more even) since we lived together yet I am repsonsible for every one of his problems.
I deeply deeply deeply resented the A for a long time. I use resnetments thse days a s boundary. When I find myelf resentful I have to put up boundaries. I need them as away to measure how far I can go. I have boundaries. They are hard to find and sometimes hard to keep hold of but I have them.
