The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When it came to recovery from child abuse issues I did a geographic. I did not see or talk to my family of origin for more than 10 years. Then I briefly very briefly for a year or two interaced with my mother before she died. That interaction was very very distant.
I thought I had put all my child abuse stuff behind me. I really thought since my mother died that I had dealt with all those issues and was on anther path dealing with my issues in adult relationshps. Then what do you know but in this house I live in there is a woman who is the spit image of my mother and who behaves much like my mother did (that is very intrusive and manipulative). And I'm thrust right back into my childhood again. I'm in flashbacks like I never had a day of therapy. I spent more than 10 years of my life in therapy like 3 times a week, day in day out dealing with flashbacks of my childhood. I never really did get to all the boundary issues though.
When my mother died (unexpectedly) I was thrust into a new relationship with my sister(s) who were and are totally enmeshed with each other. Of course at that time I was absolutely totally enmeshed with the A. I was totally absorbed into making him behave differently and to give me something he could not.
Flash forward another 5 years I'm poor, in reduced circumstances (after all theA had to have every thing!) and I'm thrust back into another kind of enmeshment. I feel absolutely asaulted by this woman in ways my mother assauted me, constant manipualtion, drama, chaos, intrigue, more chaos and I felt assailed on every level.
Today I finally get it through praying to HP and spending quiet time by myself (a Thanksgiving spent all alone) and I realise I am supposed to behave differently. The only recourse with my mother was to leave and detach. This is the same I have to detach and let go. I can't help this woman anymore than I could help my mother. Like my mother she does not want help (what a terrible grief that was to realise my mother never ever wanted to get better). I have my self to take care of and my precious dogs (for however long I have them) and I can move on.
I have to make room for other people to come into my life and offer me something else other than the familiar cloying pit of chaos, drama and intrigue which is what the A brought me which is something I am comfortable with and something I want out of.
Funny that the message from HP is so succint, behave differently. I want an apartment, an income a new life to drop from the sky but it all has to begin with me behaving differently.
Isn't that just like HP. Helping us to realize that it begins first with ourselves. Sometimes a hard lesson to learn, but the most worthwhile one of all.
Take care of you and those doggies,
Claudia
__________________
A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Your mother had power over you - you were a child and needed her.
This woman has no power, except that which you give her. You can choose to look at this situation as a gift - a chance to play it out again, in a healthy way this time.
What keeps you there now? Do you ever think about living where it is not so expensive, and people are more helpful?
Move to a smaller area? Everyone needs others, I know you do and here you are faced with people who are undesirable.
That is a double pain. I am alone lots but at least my two neighbors are my tenants and VERY cool. I may not be around them a lot but I know they would help me and I would help them.
My whole neighborhood is like that.
It is not you, it is the area you live in. I was in the big city for awhile when AH was in the hospital. I would go off on buses and go all over,scared but made myself do it. I got to know some people and made sorta a support group. NOT on purpose. It is how I am.
I would go to this one movie rental place, a tiny one. The guy knew why I was there and did deals with me to rent movies. One bus driver was on his last run, I was the only rider. He took me all over the city and showed me things. It was SOooo cool.
Here in my little town I go to the same places. Over the years have asked certain questions and gotten to know lotsa people. If someone is nice to me at a store, or I notice something cool, I leave a note for the owners or whatever.
I guess I am saying, smiling and talking to people, being interested, can help us to build relationships. I am shy believe it or not. Not as much as I used to be by any means.
No one would dare treat me like you talk about people treating you. It horrifies me what people think they can say to you.
I like your post, it shows yet another way you are growing. I like how you said you would make room for relationships.
Healthy ones that is.
Mary can you set boundaries for how to deal with these types of people who are taking their bs out on you?
It is as simple haha as saying, I don't want people to talk to me unless it is positive.
I like it when people are kind to me. Just put it out there. I don't say YOU to anyone or try not to. Sometimes you have to.
YOu are coming so far. thank you for sharing your journey.
I love how you fought for your animal family. good for you big time.
You know I do the same thing,even when they got my ten bucks of deli bbq chicken, or got into the burnie garbage, snouted and ripped my feather comforter, ran off with my hairbrush,slippers, underwear... you would not believe what I find under the tree where they play...
