The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello, I just found this site last night after doing some searches on AA in an effort to help my H. I had never heard of al anon before so that's how new I am to all of this. My H of 12 years I fear is an A. We have 3 small children. He never drinks at home it is always at the local bars. I also feel he suffers from depression which could be triggering the drinking. Many factors could be contributing to the increased drinking over the past year. Financial trouble due to a failed business is probably where this started. His behavior disgusts me. He is not the man I married and I am at a loss as to what to do. How do I approach him with these feelings? At what point do people hit rock bottom? At what point in the disease does the A accept this and seek help? I have talked with his family and nobody seems to know what the next step is. My biggest fear is his driving drunk. He does it all the time. The other thing that rips my heart out is when the kids ask "When is daddy going to be home?" Somebody please give me some guidance!! Thanks!
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Sometimes it's not about making it through the storm, it's about learning how to dance in the rain.
I guess what I meant by should I stay or go...in the marriage. How much time should I let go by before realizing that my kids and I deserve so much better. How many "chances" should there be? Thanks so much for any replies!
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Sometimes it's not about making it through the storm, it's about learning how to dance in the rain.
Hi Hope :) I'm glad you found us. Alanon suggests going to meetings for 6 mo before you make any decisions. If you work the program a lot of things change in 6 mo. Not particularly whether you should stay or go, but the person within evolves and can make much more solid, clearer decisions
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
We don't give advice in al-anon, but your in the right place. I can only share my story. It seemed their was something in me that kept wanting to "fix" hurting people. I have been married 4 times, all have had drinking problems in their lives at one time or another. I found that al-anon helped me find me and figure out what was best for me and my child, I have one 10 year old daughter. I am not necessarily for divorce even though I've been divorced 3 times, but mine were abusive, so I got out and hopefully with alanon haaaaave broke the cycle with this fourth husband who doesn't drink. But it's one day at a time and the program is for me to help me, these things I keep in mind. Don't know if that helped any, but hang in there and you'll find your answers in time. Six face to face meetings is what my home group suggests, before you decided we can help you and then if you don' t think it is helping we'll gladly give you your misery back! lol Good luck
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great exoerienc, hope, strength, wisdom and just a touch of humor (good for the ). Such life changing decisions are ones that take time to make. It didn't take you a week or a month to feel this way. It will take you some time to make the decision that is in the best interest of you and your family. You are not alone in this journey.
Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if your A chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. You can do this by learning about this disease, attending local meetings in your area (or here online), etc. I urge to learn all you can about addiction and how you can recover. There are lots of good places to start. Once you start taking the focus off your A and put it on you (where it belongs) things will seem a lot less frightening and foggy. Go back and read old posts. We don't call the Miracles in Progress board for nothing. We are always here for you. Please keep coming back.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
When to stay and when to go? In some cases, the answer is clear. If you or your babies are being physically abused, I see that as a big, red flag of warning. But in so many cases, the choice comes down the thinking process of those affected by the A's behavior. No one can "tell" you when the time is right, or if it is right. Only you have the key to that decision. Your family is right when they tell you no one knows when the A will hit bottom. Only the A can determine that; and only then will he/she seek and accept help.
In the meantime, the most important consideration is you and your precious little ones. Find AlAnon meetings in your area, and do your best to attend. There you will find people who understand and can help you on your journey to making the right decisions for you and your family. They will not tell you what to do; only guide you so that you can decide matters for yourself. And if you choose to stay, AlAnon can give you the means to live a normal life even if the A chooses not to. Come back here often. Some of us do not always agree on certain points, but you can bet that all of us have your happiness and safety at the top of the priority list.
Best wishes and happy holidays,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Wow, thanks for the words of encouragement! I am so thankful that I found this. I looked up some local meeting times/sites. I need to explore that.
There is no physical abuse on either my or the kids. It's almost the complete opposite. We're like strangers under one roof. Rarely talk or argue, just two separate worlds since this all started almost a year ago. It took me that long to admit to myself that my H is an A. I have chosen to detach about 4 months ago from advice I received on another support site about men going through a mid-life crisis. I think he has multiple issues he needs to deal with but I am in the fog as to how to help him. It's the saddest thing to watch this person you love so much doing this to himself!! Thanks again for the support!
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Sometimes it's not about making it through the storm, it's about learning how to dance in the rain.
I can't tell you what to do either, but I can give you my experience. My H has suffered from untreated depression for as long as I have known him.This has 'resulted' in the entire relationship of one addiction after another. He finally has treated the depression, and low and behold he still drinks - he's quit the drugs, but he still drinks. He can make excuses, you can make excuses, but it is up to you to change you. Therapists are great. Al-anon is great. You've got a ways to go before making any decisions. You don't want to find yourself in a new relationship with the exact same problem. Me, personally, I am leaving. I have hit the point where I have had enough and I have been building my own self-esteem where I am absolutely convinced that I deserve better even if it means being a single mom on my own. No ups and downs, no wondering when or if he'll make it home. I can't rely on him as is. Just two nights ago (mind you this is after his come-to-Jesus moment and 2 mos of living a 'new and improved' life) he was too drunk to help with a sick baby. Slurred words. When I confronted him about it the next day, it was "my fault" he was drunk. There's no physical abuse, which is his argument why things aren't bad enough to leave. But as an addict of his behavior I have hit my bottom. Keep coming back. Seek as much help as you can. You deserve it.
Can't tell you whether to stay or go. But can suggest that you go to Alanon meetings. Learn as much as you can about Alcoholism. Take care of yourself and your kids one day at a time.
This reminds me of a song by the Clash? LOL I don't think anyone has the answer to that for anyone else. I know I barely had it for myself. Looking back there were many many many many ........... (infinity) times that I should have left but when I did it was sudden and decisive. I decided I was leaving, went out looking for a place, signed a lease and started packing up me and the kids. Then I left and he actually helped me move! That was about 15 months ago and since then he's been to jail too many times to count, lost his license, lost our truck to the impound yard, and is currently living in a shelter. When you ask where the bottom is, the question is not where is his bottom, the question is where is yours? For me it took him telling me to choose between him and my then 11 year old daughter. I think I made the right choice! She and I are very happy together now LOL.
Here you will find great exoerienc, hope, strength, wisdom and just a touch of humor (good for the 
). Such life changing decisions are ones that take time to make. It didn't take you a week or a month to feel this way. It will take you some time to make the decision that is in the best interest of you and your family. You are not alone in this journey.
