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I spent thanksgiving with my sister and her husband and my niece and nephew (both adults) and my mom and some neighbor friends of my sister....it was all very delicious and lovely but let me tell you, I was not really there at all. I feel like I slipped- not the bawling my head off because I set myself up again kind kind of slip but the totally and completely checked out kind of slip (walking dead). So many kinds of slips, so little time, I guess. In other words, I did not take very good care of myself in the moments that coagulated into the day/evening of thanksgiving.
I am not beating myself up about it, I am interested in spending a bit of time trying to see what happened and why. Any thoughts/advice would be appreciated as I am often blind as a bat about many things having to do with myself (i am working on it, slowly).
The past 10 years or so I have not spent any holidays with my biological family because its just way way more fun to spend it with friends or have "orphan" holidays. These are the kinds of holidays when I do not check out but remain pretty well engaged and manage to take care of myself well throughout.
I chose to spend thanksgiving with my biological family because I thought it might be a good idea in the absence of my AH....
This year, my AH and I are separated and during the long thanksgiving prayer not his name or a word of him was mentioned at all- of course all the sick ones, the absent ones by name, the ones in prison (by name), the ones serving our country in war, they were all mentioned in the prayer but not my AH. This was really, profoundly painful, I found (suprised). My family does not like my AH. But I need to remember that they did not always dislike him and there is a chance that they may heal their relationships, should my AH and decide to reconcile and should he choose to work on those relationships (I see this as being between him and them). I know they love me a lot and are trying to protect me. They pretend he does not exist anymore for me. For me, his absence around that table created a profound presence. One that no one else could understand or notice or see. I felt isolated and incredibly sad and I shut down.
I am telling you this because I know that there are people here who understand this and have experienced this also, most likely. People who have family members who hate their AH's/AW's/ASO's because of the pain that they have brought into their lives. They are protective of me. They know I am in recovery (al-anon) but again, there is silence around this (except between my sister and I, she is very supportive).
A part of me thinks I may need to have a talk with my biological family and just say: "I need to say that I am noticing that David is never mentioned or referred to. I realize you may be doing this for a multitude of reasons including as a courtesy to me- maybe you think I do not want to hear his name mentioned, etc. But I need to tell you that he is a part of my life (albeit a small part at the moment but still, he is my husband).
This is so complicated...
There is just so much silence- no talking and no feeling in my biological family (common in A homes) that I feel like I need to say something, somehow. Yet a part of me is suspicious of my reasoning behind this...Am I just making mountains out of a molehill? Should I just let it ride and ignore it as just one small thing that reverberated into some huge thing for me and me alone? Am I making a crisis here by bringing this up?
I will not be spending the winter holidays with my family- back to the orphan thing. Its pretty clear to me that the orphans holiday is definitely the way to go for me since it aligns best with my HP, my program and me. Its something I will most likely be sticking to which is great to know. its not that I do not spend any time with my family, its just holidays are not good with them (boundary).
Thats all. I am a grateful member of al-anon and thank you for listening.
I spent my first holiday away from my ah, and with my biological family as well. They have known my ah since he was 19 (25 yrs) and love him, very much. And, you know what? They don't talk about him. Last night I did talk about him a little bit to my sis-in-law and sister (who already knows everything), but I brought it up. In the year that I have been in crisis, none of my four brothers nor one of my sisters have ever called me to see if I am okay. By the same token, I know they would be available for me in a heartbeat if I needed them. It is not that they don't care, I think they just don't know what to say.
For me, I see it as they are uncomfortable. They feel bad for me and the situation in general. They are hurting too. There is nothing they can do to help, thus they say nothing. Perhaps I can relate to this because I respond in a similar way to those dealing with dying or death related to cancer. I often feel that I may be perceived as rude or uncaring, but for me the emotions surrounding death are so raw. I am afraid if I say anything I will burst into tears and just make the matter worse. So, unless I am intimately involved in the situation, I say nothing. This unloving response is based on the fact that I lost both my parents to cancer as a young child and have much unresolved grief. However, the recipient has no idea and I often wonder if they think I just don't care. Sorry, I digressed a bit, you just really got me thinking...
I believe you do have a good grasp of what was going on when you said they just love you and are trying to protect you. I try to think of how I would feel if one of my kids were going through what I am right now. Must be sheer and total helplessness and sadness. What would have happened if you interjected a prayer for David or even discussed your situation somewhat? If you opened the door, perhaps they would take hold of the opportunity? Of course, I don't know. Just wondering.
I am sorry your day was sad. In response to your question regarding what you should do, of course no one here can answer that. You may want to re-read your post though. I have really learned to lean on the slogan that Jerry on this board introduced to me which is, "when in doubt, do nothing". I know in my situation, the silence is by no means meant to be disrespectful to me, in fact probably just the opposite. If I were to mention something about it, well, lets just say I would be making a crisis, for that I am certain.
I am glad you have decided what you need and what your boundaries are. If having orphan holidays work, then by all means go for it.
I am so glad you posted about this. It really brought some clarity to me regarding my actions and the effect they may have on others. We are continually learning from eachother. Thus, the magic of this board. Thank you.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Lou, thanks for your perspective. Its true- people do not know what to say and what is there to say?! I often do not know what to say about it all, either!!...thanks, plus Jerry's advice is a good reminder, I agree. Hugs, J.
Well, it is difficult at best when you are separated from your A. I had Thanksgiving with my family. My AHsober (separated for 2 years) drove my mother out for the dinner. He just puts himself in this great helpful light. He has never been excluded from my family events but he never includes me in his life. I think that my family is polite to him. They listen to him talk about golf and his work place. No one has ever called me to see how I am. As Lou said I am sure they would help me out. I am working on being pleasant but I do get angry at my A for looking like he has done nothing wrong. I think that the bottom line is that it is the disease of alcoholism and it is a family disease.
