The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I first met my alcoholic, I very quickly realised it was too much too bear and sought out help, that how I found al anon a lady who later became a good friend rang me up and later met me and took me to my first ftf meeting. If I'mhonest I played at it and the programm, it was handy I always got a lift and at the time my A was not in a good way in rehab. I drifted out of al anon, but really unhealthy and co dependant along the way. I always encouraged AA and the principles of al anon but not really working the steps as I should have done as i did not hit my rock bottom maybe I have now, maybe not, one day at a time, my own journey.
At college ironically I am studying counselling, (person centred) Carl Rogers, the main principles are the core conditions its up to you if you want to look further into this. However what I did notice were the over laps between twelve step work and this theory of counselling. Warmth empathy and being non judgemental being principal dimensions.
In the work I have done which involves working for the samaritans, young people and again ironically famlies of addicts, I let people make their own journeys give them the acceptance they need and if they are in danger we explore this and especially with children as child protection comes into play. Domestic abuse and violence is a minefield. You may be thinking as I have thought myself why would someone training to be a counsellor be going out with an alcoholic but the caring proffesions are predominately overfilled with rescuers and enablers.
I have known for a long time what has happened to me is wrong but have been stuck it has not been my time to make the change even though I have been in dangerous situations. I have read the responses and other messages of hope and acceptance and value them all, obviously some more than others as I have my opnions and experience in life and education.
Some of the posts hurt because the words did not reflect warmth or acceptance, some seemed angry but they are people opnions and I respect that we are all constantly growing and becoming more self aware. This is a general response I dont particularly want to pick up on anything specific by any one in particular. I am a person who feels and cries and at this moment in time can only concentrate on me not the debate my post as started its too hard.
Well onto the wedding I have a great outfit and stuff for it. In the last three weeks I have taken two weeks off stressed due to everything my A could not cope with this and was terrible with his behaviour bearing in mind he recently relapsed and told me his head is playing trick on him and feels like drinking. I asked him to leave in the end as I feel he is being very controlling and manipulative witholding any affection.
So now he is really good (so he says) apparently it has been terrible for years and his drinking is manly the cause of his emotional barometer exploding and he drinks. Nothing to do with his job, tablets, his own abuse or family. I feel the scapegoat and in his head getting rid of me will solve evrything. In his time apart he has not been to a meeting, instead watched football, played it and whatever else, and his big book and aa literature got forgotten they are still at my house.
So I'm very angry obsessing about his stuff and not my own, its really hard I'm really upset and have no doubt in my mind he will either relapse or cheat both I have no control over oh my god!! Writing this is down is very theraputic but I feel so rejected and unloved and feel this is really unreal. How dare he say that his main reason for drinking over the years is me. He was an alcoholic long before he met me, I never got chance to forgive or forget he has never stayed sober for longer than three months!!
So god know what this wedding will be like I can only make a real effort to look and feel good and do what I am there for which is to celebrate the wedding, we are sharing a room, not good I dont know what i want still feel so rejected, wanting him still want me just shows how unhealthy I am. Tonight he is with his brother and the best man both who dring and want to go out the night before the wedding drinking? I know I dont want a man who drinks the night before our wedding! So the trust thing rears it head will he cheat will he drink? Who knows I have no control but he is acting like a robot and like I am his aunt or something. I'm upset and hurting and he 'gets on with it' supposedly!
I remember when my Mom (who is not in program) used to tell me that it was useless for me to try to have a rational conversation with my AH when he was drinking because we were speaking different languages. I didn't realize how right she was until I came to Al-Anon.
In my experience, an active A (and, for that matter, a dry A) is not rational. My A would say X in the morning and by evening (when he had been drinking) he would say Y. In the morning, he was apologetic for everything--full of remorse. By the evening, it seemed as though I had become evil incarnate--everything was my fault. I was the reason he had no friends, the reason he walked away from his job, the reason he could not be friends with the bar slut that he had cheated on me with....I could do nothing right. After I began my own recovery journey, I realized that when he looked at me, all he saw was his own brokenness reflected back at him. There was nothing that I could have done to change that. I was just a convenient excuse that he used to justify his behaviors.
Be gentle with yourself. When I get really crazy about what my AH may be doing, I recite the Serenity Prayer as my mantra and get myself to a meeting. Nothing good has ever come from my taking his inventory!!
I hope that you are able to have a wonderful time regardless of what the A does. I love the saying that expectations are just premediated resentments. When I am in those types of situations, I try to stay open to whatever is supposed to happen instead of focusing on what I might want to have happen. I know, easier said than done, isn't it??
Most importantly, I hope that you are able to remember that you cannot control him--how he behaves or how he feels. It is hard to do, especially when we are in the middle of it all, but it is true. That is why I try to have back-up plans--those lovely Plan Bs--just in case. That way, I have the option of leaving if I need to do so.
Have a wonderful time and take care of you!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
You give your thoughts so well. Hey it took me years to want my husband to be that cool handsome,silly man he used to be. We miss their real personality. We long for them to want us so bad they would do anything to stop using.
In reality it very rarely ever happens. As relapse always looms somewhere. My a lost years of sobriety when he had a brain tumor surgery. As soon as he woke up in recovery, something was not right. Took me a very long time to understand.
I sure relate. It has to be horribly hard to face this "family" celebration, knowing you won't ever be part of it.Plus all the reminders of what hurts you the most.
It is taking lots of power on your part to go thru this in a respectful way....in other words not throwing your champayne in his face!
NO worries, there are always conflicts in families,MIP is a family.
I am glad you wrote again. I can see you are a very intelligent person. Keep coming back,I want to hear how you did at the wedding.
Love,debilyn ps if it were me,everytime I thought of him, I would say stop. then tell myself I am here for the wedding couple, that is it.
I don't really have any answers for you. Except I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I can only tell you from my experience, that he doesn't need an excuse to relapse. An addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. I am sure you realize, that NONE of this is your fault. He's responsible for picking up that first drink or calling his sponsor. The CHOICE is his. The same way it is your choice to work the program or not. By the way, we all work our programs differently. There is no right or wrong way to do that. So don't think that you are doing it the wrong way. You're doing the best you can at this place and time. Be gentle on yourself.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
