The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So yesterday was my first holiday without my ah in over 20 yrs, and it wasn't so bad. The hardest part was when he showed up right before we were to leave (to drop off item requested by son) and started playing football with the kids. I could tell he was sad and was stalling. Earlier in the day he had taken the kids for a bike ride and I asked what he would be doing. He said his afternoon was to be spent at an aa meeting, cleaning his apt, and then doing homework. It wasn't that he was not invited to be with us (he is always welcome at my parents), but we just knew that separation was best, and we both know he absolutely has no desire to socialize with anyone right now.
I hugged him when he left and he said, "it's not easy". I was glad to hear it, and could only say, "I know". As much as I know he has made choices and has earned much of where his life is right now, I still feel so bad. I mourn for what could be and probably never will.
At my parents' house I realized I didn't miss him much because in the past few years he wasn't really present anyway - watching tv/asleep on the couch away from everyone. He was totally enabled, everyone thinking he was just tired from working so much; me included.
So last night on the drive home I encouraged my kids to call him. My son was excited about his uncle's sports car and wanted to share. My daughter always just wants to make sure he is ok. Our son ended up asking him to stop over and visit this morning. Apparently he said he would.
So, ah ends up calling early this morning to say he can't come over because he got called in to go have a drug/alcohol test (part of his Diversion Program). I sure hope he saw that coming being the morning after a holiday!
I have been slowly learning to detach. Even though we have been physically separated for almost 7 mos, just over the past couple of wks have we finally begun to act as such. I am doing the best I can to take care of myself and the kids, and he is doing all that is required of him, but I see it is difficult for him. Our business (and thus our finances) is totally struggling right now and while I am scared and worried, I have given it to God. Our entire livlihood truly rests on his sobriety and I have acknowledged I am powerless.
For the first time in my life I have concerns about buying Christmas presents and paying bills, and for the first time in his life my ah is totally responsible for every aspect of his personal, financial and work lives. I can only hope that we will grow from the experiences we are trudging through right now.
I am working on getting full-time work and am blessed because I have a lot of options. It is just a difficult time to get started, but I am on my way. I spent some time this morning looking at the posting history of many of you and all the changes that have taken place in your lives. So much growth has taken place, and I can only believe that with your support, my HP and continued work on my part, that I will be okay too.
Thanks for being here. I wish you all a peaceful weekend.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Yes Lou, you will be ok. You have such a great, honest outlook on the course you life has taken. I know it is scary and heartwrenching but going thru it to get to a better place is the best way. I look around at my family who would rather bury their heads and I think if only they could just....oh well. You sound good despite it all. Keep it up! Detatching with love is so very hard but so very worth it.
Thanks Lou, Seren, Nancy, its really refreshing to read your reality-based honest posts about a holiday that is completely wigged out into fantasy-land (and we all collude on some level whether we are willing to admit it or not).
It was a rough one for me. I think it was more full of grief than I had anticipated. Its astounding how absence generates presence. Its not like I beat my chest and had a fit or anything but it was one of those super lonely times when you are surrounded my many people which is about a core loneliness. I offered it up to my HP, asked to know only his will for me and the power to carry it out. I know I am supposed to be where I am and its only when I struggle against this that I experience pain.
Lou this is a very powerful post. Your sharing is very important. Others can see that it can be done.
Though not easy at all, and facing so many brick walls, you have become very, very strong in your recovery. I am so happy that you have learned to turn it over. It is amazing how that works.
