When I was with the A one of my huge huge fears was that when I wa sout on my own I would not be able to make it financially. Of course I had some idea of how hard it will be. I have been on a contract job for a few months now. I am pretty certain this contract will not last more than another 2 months. That is good and bad. I have some time to look but it is not the best time to look either. Not that much hiring goes on at the end of the year. I have had a small part time job that I really hoped would pan out. I have got a little money from that that really helped. After this week there will not be much more work doing that. That gives me 100% time to look for work and keep working on organizing myself.

I have a pretty hard life, no social life at all, very little money (I owe lots of money). The place I live at is horrible. The people there are needy, acting out and addicts. I live in a tiny tiny space, so small I can barely turn around and I have 4 pets to take care of.

At the same time I'm making progress. I am in the process of going to a credit counselling agency. They will help me get my incredible credit card bills down. I feel less desperate, less depressed and less alone. I know this is a short term hardship.

I don't even consider going back to the A. I don't even consider even meeting him and connecting with him. I keep in touch sporadically. I no longer get sucked into his huge chaos driven life.

I am absolutely exhausted most of the time but I don't feel as lonely as I've felt most of my life. I credit that to al anon. There is no question al lof you have been there for me in so many ways during the past few years. I know I would not be where I am today without you.

So I see myself having hurge hurdles ahead. I do not know how I will handle various trnasitions. I work like crazy to try to get through things. I get very upset at times but nothing like the kind of dire emotional upheaveal I used to be in. I am relatively healthy considering that I am under such stress.

I have not menitoned that I really need some medical and dental work done. I have absolutely no budget to do that and I am upset about that. Next year that will be one of my priorities.

I don't imagien that I am going to make this transition away frm teh A easily. i think it may take me 5 years to repair my credit and to find a decent place to live. Who knows. I am working on it.

My boundaries are so much better than they have eve been. I feel more self reliant and I feel a kind of self trust I never have. So I am down, really far down, really poor, really stressed, in a very very difficult spot and at the same time I feel better emotionally than I ever have. I feel like I can for once rely on myself and take care of myself (although of course I am by no means doing what I need to. I have much to be thankful for and I owe a great deal to this group and the process that al anon has to help someone disengage from insantiy and for me certain death.

Maresie.