The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Been quite a week yet at this moment I feel quite calm and breathing alot to slogans so I don't get anxious about what if's during the holiday hoopla. It takes a lot of focus for me to stay on one day at a time or like I read in another post, one task at a time.
I also have been thinking about this: "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder includes an inability to focus, accomplish tasks, remember things, etc. Some of us have this as a result of living with A's depends upon how rough or how long its been."
Last week had third child (teen) act out similar to 1st and 2nd child and we have several of us on antidepressants. It is challenging to say the least!! On Monday I felt the docs/therapist would see that more meds & therapy was needed - not true, Tues I felt it was all in my head- sort of jumping to conclusions to be like the past. I went to f2f mtg and made a giant step at accepting that my kids would find some positives out of this, hopefully be different than the A but I also needed to let go. Wed things got worse with this 3rd child so I was angry with professionals, AH and had horrible nightmares and daytime feelings.... maybe it is that PTSD as this stuff for my kids has been going on for over 7 years constantly....one crisis after another. In the past 3 weeks, child 2 is struggling also and may end up with college incompletes.
So I saw my therapist on Thurs, who heard my anger & frustration with professionals, teachers, AH and my struggle to be sure I was thinking right. It was recommended I take the break to make the wkend visit to assist elderly mother and make the functioning AH take on the responsibility of our family issues alone for once. NO drinking allowed and he did ok. I feel great about getting nusing care set up for my mom and rested more.
BUT, also reccomended that over Tday I ask college kids to participate in a family session (over Xmas break) to find out what the dysfunction is in our family to keep having the same outcomes for our 3rd child in a row. Also that the alcohol will be discussed and our fam therapist with another therapist (guessing an addiction therapist) will be present.
From you who have chosen to stay in your marriage to an A, how do you have a good time with an A? It always feels like I am sending mixed messages as I can feel loving at times, frustrated & sad or fighting resentments plus nightmares from the past. I just can't feel true to myself because I am all over the place but want to keep the marriage & family together as we could not handle any more emotional stress.
Any ESH about family sessions like proposed? I feel like bringing the topic up over Tday break will be a bummer as it is just more of the same old stuff. And I am hopeful and fearful of the actual session too. I've been around the block several times with therapists and know that things are not always good or improved with some therapy treatments.
Wishing you all blessings over this holiday weekend. My favorite as the retail world has the least impact on Tday. It's just time, the best gift, spent with family, friends or strangers to celebrate.
Thanks for reading this and thks for any insight you may have. I feel a bit overwhelmed and nervous but breathing, breathing and thinking good thoughts as a choice.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
family councelling is great for those who are not drinking . everyone gets a chance to share thier feelings and be heard thats important. Living with an alcoholic is stressful and as long as our heads are full of thier stuff , we tend to forget , get tired and depressed but like it says in our opening as we begin to put things in thier true perspective our lives will get calmer . When I could leave his stuff for him to deal with and look after my part , things didn't feel so stressful. Our children take on the personality traits they see at home * both parents * the best way to show them how to change is by example as we beging to change out attitudes they will follow . Adjusting to new attitudes take time and all it takes is for one person to change and everything starts to change. goodluck and keep the focus on your needs and u will be just fine . Louise
Thats a great question: how do you have a good time with an A? I am eager to hear ESH on that one.
Also, I wonder if everyone does not suffer from super mild forms of PTSD just from living the way we do- heck, just from watching TV day in and day out over years and years...I do not watch TV but I have been to a couple of movies with car wrecks in them and it actually felt like I was in a bit of a car wreck myself! My body responded in a very stressed out way and I was just sitting in a theater watching a movie but my body seemed to feel like I had just gone through something really frightening and intense and dangerous. I cannot help but wonder...
Sometimes when my A was active, he was horrible to be with, abusive and argumentative. No possibility of any good time for anyone there. However, more often, he was OK - unreliable in the details but reliable in the big picture, touchy and quick to take offense, but also funny, offbeat, generous. I found that as long as I could keep my expectations in tune with reality, we had a good time more often than not.
For me this meant things like not hinging happiness on whether he was home at set times, or on whether he had done certain things. If the party can't start til he gets there with the cake - recipe for disaster. If the party starts when it starts, and he is not scolded for getting there late, but rather welcomed, life is fine.
I learned to take two cars, so I could get to things when I needed to, and leave when I wanted to. So much of our trouble stemmed from me being stranded somewhere with two little kids, not having whatever I needed for them (how often did he take us to the beach, and then drive off with the car and the bathing suits, food, etc....) and with things I wanted or needed to do, somewhere else. The less I needed him, the more I liked him and enjoyed being with him.
I needed to give up my visions of what a husband and father should be, and instead accept the actual real man I had. This did nothing about the unacceptable behaviour, but it made all the other stuff bearable. And, once I was not mad at him all the time, the abusive behaviour lessened, until it eventually went away almost completely.
For us, when he was active and even for much of the time he was in recovery, the type of intense discussion that you propose would not have been very productive. This is pretty powerful, long term stuff - people tend to clam up entirely, or else just let go and spew things that others may not be ready to hear. Maybe with therapists right there it would work differently, but I wouldn't hang too many hopes on it.
