The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well where do I start if I were to right down everything wrong my alcohlic boyf has done over the past four years people would think I was absolutley insane to have stayed but the truth is that sometimes it actually feels like it hurts more to actually sit with splitting up and him not being there than to put up with the yo yo behaviour.
There have been times I have asked him to leave as it was too much but the trouble is my anger subsides and I dont wish to be on my own. I have gone to al anon and it does help and I know if nothing changes then nothing changes yet time and time again I'm setting myself up to fail.
I have been kind, supportive and tried to dettach with love and have been better in more recent times by not enabling and rescuing. So now I'm really angry that he has decided to leave for time out stating if he stays around me with all the resentments he has he will drink again. Fair enough it is life or death so he needs to do what is best for him.
So lovely here I am feeling like I'm going loopy, I do have a good job excellent college course and good friends and I have this as well. I'm just upset I feel like he uses me as the scape goat for all his problems, get rid of me and all will be well.
I take care of myself as best I can but everything I have done in way of being a nice girlfriend feels forgotton he is really unhealthy, he said he was going and yet still stayed so I asked him to go as it was too awful to bear I have been off work for two weeks with the stress of it all so hear I am at 29 no husband or children because basically I chose to put up with it. I cant stand how awful it feels and I just want to hide!
I have a wedding with him this weekend in which his brother gets married I am close to the couple and the wedding should be great and I will make myself look fab and I am not going to fawn all over him I have more pride than that. After my boyf has cheated, been verbally and physically abusive left me crying and said look at the state of you and yet I go back for more, actually describing him now makes me realise what a sick unfeeling person he is. Sometimes I wish I'd never met him sometimes I wish he was dead. Oh how awful I am, the only reason I go as he says is because of some of the awful things he has done, yes we split up after this events, but deep down I thought how can anyone even if their an alcoholic be so devoid of compassion or humanity.
I could scream nothing but nothing feels any better, I'd rather eat my hand than be sat their on my own with crazy thoughts of him all the time just going round and round. I look at the twelve steps ring people up and talk about them it does not get better. I feel very down!
Apparently you are willing to put up with whatever he dishes out because, "you love him" and you "cannot be alone." It is your choice to waste your life on this guy, so what can one say? Your post is so very sad to read because it is filled with lack of self-esteem and self-loathing. Until you get yourself together, things will not improve; you will continue to be abused physically and mentally. I am sorry about that.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I know excatly how you are feeling as I am in the same place. My ex/ab/f has moved away. Imiss him and his son sooo bad. I also went thru everything you can possibly go thru with him. I also am and have been taking care of me but sometimes no matter how good we think we are getting , espically around the holidays, those feelings come back. Be easy on yourself. This too shall pass. Know the feeling of wishing I had never meet him too, but you know what I realize that he made a very big impact on my life. He made me look at myself, I educated myself on alcholism, found Al-anon , I learned so much! I am just learning detachment and to let go of things I have no control over. His choices are his. I also told mysef when I found out he was moving (because of no work here, and other things) that it was probally the best thing that could have happened for ME! I am getting better. But on those days that I feel like you do , I feel , cry and just get it out and then I feel better. "Progress not Perfection" I just turned 50 and all my children are gone from home, so I spend alot of time by myself. This doean't make it easier. Tomarrow I will be with my family, then 3 days by myself before work on Monday. I will call ex/bf and family today to wish them happy holidays. I wish things were different and we could be together some how, but I know that if nothing changes nothing changes. So I will cherish my time alone by reading, working in my yard, and enjoying my time off for a couple of days with this beautiful weather. I hope things get better for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Sis
If you have no boundaries you will be a doormat. Please attend as many F2F al-anon meetings as you can asap. Keep coming back, it will get better if you work your program.
When I first arrived here, I had been doing a lot of things that I didn't feel right about. Making decissions that seemed to not be in my best interests... or the best interests of my children and just felt trapped in it.
There really are choices in life. It is ok make decissions for you and only based on what you need. What someone told me was to read everything I could about this... hit every meeting I could and give it 6 months to let the fog clear. Allow myself to heal enough to make good clear decissions based on reason... not reaction to chaos.
Now if you are being abused... that is a different story. First and formost you have a responsability to yourself to be safe. The world needs you.
No matter what you decide to do... we are here for you. We can't tell you what to do, but are here to share our experiences, strength and hope with you.
Keep coming back!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Hi... first of all, I absolutely deplore anybody thinking they know enough to tell you how you "should" act or what you "should" do, whether that is your A or seemingly well meaning people on this board...
The situation that you describe does indeed sound awful, but you are taking some of the right steps to correct it, in your time.... the old Al-Anon saying of "I am sick and tired of being sick and tired" is very applicable, and I am a firm believer that you will take the steps necessary when YOU reach that point.... As Al-Anons, we are not all that different in some respects from our A's, in that each of us have a different "rock bottom".
Please know that you ARE worthy, and worthwhile, and that nobody deserves to be treated like crap. I would encourage you to continue on with whatever recovery tools you have started, and try to use them even more..... As YOU develop and embrace this kind of thinking, then you will also draw others who feel the same way, or you will surround yourself with others that feed this....
My "internal test" for rationally thinking about my A, was always if I had to start a sentence with "When she is sober....", it was usually a sign of me covering up the obvious deficiencies within her.
I wish you continued recovery and growth
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
HI chick, I am so glad you came here and let it all out.
I must say, sometimes people tend to take others inventory, also they may critique what they think of your situation.
I want you to know this is NOT alanon behavior. Please know, most times these people do not mean to be so hurtful, plus they may not be seasoned alanoners and know better.
Saying that....I am glad you are here. I do relate. Your looking at your situation is major. Your honesty is refreshing.
This is how we learn. We become aware, then we may go back and get into it again, then it hits us again, this awareness. We face the truth of how we do not want to live like this anymore. Then we may go back again. This may happen a hundred times. We may even run off once or twice.
But until we are really ready, we stay. I have seen people do this for years. I have seen them leave and be so torn up like you describe, and have to come back.
But I can tell you, my own mother told me this, "When you are done, you will be done." You will come to a point where you want to leave more than you want to stay.
Until then, you are not finished. I hope hon that you will find that serenity,soon.As sadly, as you know, when they abuse they have already crossed that boundary and will kill.
It could be an accident from insanity. But dead is dead.
Leaving you handicapped happens too.
But only you know when you have been beaten up to the point you can turn your back and walk away.
I have compared what you are going thru to addiction. You will keep going back,wanting more until you are so sick of it, you will do anything to stay away from it.
Four years is a long time. You said yourself what you don't have. I am sure you are glad no children were brought into this.
Maybe as you cont. your journey you will think about what you do want. Sounds like you are a very bright lady, who has gotten mixed up with a very powerful disease.
It makes us sick too. We learn thru alanon how to pull away and climb out of the pit.
It is ok to love the person but hate the disease. That does not mean you have to live with them. I do relate to the awful feeling in your gut worrying about where they are and what they are doing.
Remember we have no control over what they do anyway.
I invite you to find a good friend or two or three and take some day trips. Start short ones. Be around people who live lives with little or no drama. Feel how it feels.
When ya think of A, say,"stop." And look up into the trees or look at the sky. Start training yourself to be aware of simple things.Sometimes the drama the disease brings, makes us forget there is life out there.
Another thing we do,we being intellectual women, who cannot spell,sigh, is we try to rationalize everything. Aism is insanity, his behavior is insane, so no use trying to pick it apart. An orange is just an orange.
Anyway you come here as often as you need and you will receive the support you so greatly hunger for.
Yes, I have to say, though well meaning some of the choice of words in some of these posts leaves a lot to be desired for me. I have been in your situation at times and its hard to see a way out of despair. Keep posting and welcome here.
Hello ((((( Chick ))))) < cyber *hugs*, I read that you have attended face to face meetings and wondering if you have any literature because there is something I would like to suggest reading.
A Special Word to Anyone Confronted with Violence and Tapping Other Resourcescan be found in How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics and From Survival To Recovery Growing Up In An Alcoholic Home.
It speaks of additional help outside Al-Anon not only for abuse but for those who need more specialized help and support in addition to coming to Al-Anon.
I am sure glad youre here and hoping you will continue to come back and share, because like the program says, - It works if you work it, so work it youre worth it!
Thanks for all the responses really really appreciated!
I was just wondering if we could all imagine saying to someone in a ftf that they are are a doormat, I know I couldn't for me that is not an accepting, helpful or warm word, also exactly what does 'get yourself togther mean exactly?' I am in a bad place at the moment that is why I am being honest and congruent in my posts admitting I am powerless over my disease!
Is not posting the first step to being honest with myself and getting help, what if I was suicidal I'm not, but would doormat and get yourself together help me I think not!
This post was my cry for help my admission I'm struggling, its my first post admitting the rubbish that has gone on, it does not however tell people the full story therefore being non judgemental is extremley helpful.
People posting for the first time regardless of content need to be treated with respect and dignity and whilst I respect we are entitled to our views. Clever use of language that includes name calling I have not a lot of time for. All can I say is that it was a good job i was not close to the edge!
I have waited for a while till I have posted this, sometimes people self loathe and disresect thenselves due to this awful disease this is to be explored with warmth and honesty in a resectful way, I am a human being who feels!
I remember when I left my A husband a little over a year ago I struggled with this sooo much! I could not stand to be alone, I was DESPERATE to find a "replacement?". The one thing the A did have going for him was the fact that he was someone to sit and talk at, another adult. I had no friends, no nearby family and 3 kids to support on my own when I walked out and I was VERY resentful. I hear resentment in your post about your love being given in vain and not returned as deserved. I know that feeling. I had to let go of my resentments in order to be able to move forward.
This board has helped me so much and I must say that one particular member must have been having a bad and intolerant day today, she's usually blunt but not brutal!
I think prettymuch all of us go through this in the beginning. It's hard to be alone and realize that your life is totally on you but as time goes on you come to find that it always was, not only yours but his too and in reality the burden has been lifted. I don't know why it feels this way in the beginning I only know that it gets better and the thing that worked for me was to get very busy, I went back to school and worked full time too. Now I'm working two jobs. I have hobbies, a couple of friends and I spend TONS of time with my kids (when I actually have it) and instead of resenting that the responsibility for them was completely dumped on me I cherish the fact that I get to see them grow up and be there with and for them every day while he doesn't get to see them at all at this point.
My advice to you is get busy with as much as you can and that will help to drive the thoughts of him out of your head! Another thing that was great for me was the fact that he went to jail for a good long time and I didn't have any communication with him. That makes it so much easier.
I can relate to this thinking very much. I can also relate to gradually getting so much better with this program. I know it took me a long while. I also know that people here were incredilbly patient loving and kind to me. I also know that everyone but eveyrone here undestands just what you are talking about. Feeling understood is not something I eer had.
