The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Here it is in the am. Responding to emails some things have come into my pea brain
If my giant Siamesey ragdoll kitten,Fizz, will stop trying to sleep on my parrot,Reeba's stand, I may be able to get some thoughts out! Fizz jumps on cage,Ree flies and lands on my chest,goes under my covers and either chews a hole in my nightshirt and/or chews my buttons off.
I see that so many still take the diseases bs personal. Like it is against them. We are always on guard,walking on eggshells we say. It is my experience that when I really believed my A, all A's have a disease, I no longer took it personal.
It was as simple as when my sweet, fun mother Lynne got mad at me for taking the ice cream out of her hands cuz she fell asleep. It was melting all over, she roughly pulled her hands back and glared at me. She NEVER was mean to me. It as clear she was MAD. I of course felt so hurt, then was able to think, it is the cancer,not my mother. This was before alanon for me.
For me, detachment is inside loving the A, hating the disease. To me it is no different than one of my retarded friends who have cp or are Downs syndrome. Usually Downs people are horribly stubborn. On top of that most are incredibly loving. It is their nature to be stubborn so I never took it personal when Chris refused to come out from under a climber thing on the play ground.
On one hand, he would move when he felt like it so I did not pull him, the other hand, he weighs over 300 pounds!
Let go and live. A's disease tries to pull us in, saying, "I am going to kill myself." Of course it freaks us out. However, they, while using, are killing themselves slowly anyway.Response from me is, "yes you are."
Now the disease wants us to get all sappy and clingy, encouraging us to wrap ourselves around it, suck us dry.
The disease does not want to be alone, it wants us to take care of that person it controls, providing primary needs, sucking us dry, while it is comfy taking care of its one need, getting the drug it desires.
So when we learn in al anon NOT to help the A, not to house it, feed it, give it money, bail it out of jail, the disease gets sicker and sicker. Hopefully it will get so sick and weak, our A inside will have the strength to crawl into AA to ask for help. If we make it comfy, providing the normal stuff we think we should, the disease is in ecstacy killing our A in comfort, keeping him or her so down they cannot fight at all.
That is what makes them find some sleaze to take them in.They don't care that this person is a lowlife, actually it is great as the disease just wants someone who will provide basic needs keeping the person it holds hostage alive, so it can use.
So detaching from the A, is ignoring the disease, and loving the loved one enough to not enable them.
I know what makes my A stay with that gross person. I am not upset with her at all, or my A. I HATE this disease. I KNOW I could drag him home again. Have done it so many times. But thru al anon I learned that only helps that disease.
By no means is this easy. NOT at all. I know for sure this is true. I hate the disease so much, was hurt so badly that I will never go back to my a. Does not matter how long they are on a program, they can and more than likely will go dormant again while this monster comes out again.
Thanks Debilyn. That really is such an awsome way to see the disease. Really detatch from it. And hate it. Does make me feel better that I can hate the diease because I don't like myself when I am full of hate towards another. But that disease deserves my anger for what it has done to my life and my kids lives.
I am so so so grateful to be able to detach. I know it took me years but I finally did it and I am so happy I did. I know this skill helps me in so many ways. I am grateful for knowing you too and knowing you still care about the A. I know I enabled the A for years. I stopped, he is worse than ever but I am not.
