The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had told my now ex that I did not want him calling me names. His response was, "Why didn't you tell me this earlier?" Again, the blame was placed on me. He told me I was lousy in bed. He didn't care about me at all and I think this is what hurts the most. Did he even care about me a little bit???? Just a sliver??? I am not in self-pity mode. I just want to know if there was an inkling of care from him or was I just an object to be used and abused???
Kissers, see, its just not at all worth it to even go round and round with this kind of garbage in your head. YOU are not the problem. What he did is NEVER going to make sense no matter how many ways to Sunday you look at it, obsess about it or intellectually try to pick it apart.
HAND IT OFF TO HP and/or let go and let god. Fling it off. Get a god box, write it all down and stick it all in there and close the lid.
You will never know the answer. As long as his disease is in control, he probably will never know the answer. When all is said and done, what he thinks, feels,does, etc, still is not our business. Give it to HP. Even if there was an answer available, you wouldn't be able to see it now in an emotional state. (You wouldn't even be asking if you weren't in an emotional state.)
I struggled with this question for a long time too. I thought My AH just wanted to come back for the kids, or the idea of a family. What I learned is that he did not love himself. A person that does not love themselves cannot show love to others. (That's why self care is so important to our Alanon program.)
The disease has them as confused as we are, and self hatred clouds their thinking. All they can do is lash out at whoever is handy. So give these questions to HP. What does it matter if he cared about you? If he hates himself, his life is meaningless. He cannot show love to anyone until he learns to care about himself enough to save himself from this awful disease.
Grieve your loss and go on. Send good thoughts his way in your prayers. Sometimes that helps me deal with the active A's in my life that I can't be around.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I would bet he is hurting. And being that an A is emotionally under-developed he is lashing out like any 10 year old. He is being mean and trying to get you back under control. I doubt he means what he says. He is just saying it to be MEAN. And he is intending to hurt you, he wants you to take it personally, he is trying to engage you in his pain. If you could pat him on the head and say "And that remark is why you will never have a real GF." And then walk away, grieve like the adult you are and move on to something better. I know it hurts. Relationships ending hurt and when the A starts throwing daggers for no good reason it hurts worse. Just be confident that his barbs have no basis in the reality of what you shared with him. He cared about you to the best of his ability, not to the best of yours. I assume that being an A his love and respect only go as far as the disease will let it go and that is not the extent of a "normal" person. I would always attribute "normal" qualities to my A and then be dumbfounded when he behaved like an A. After all, he should react/say/do this as that's what "normal" people do. My expectation of an A being "normal" was silly. They are not nor will they ever be "normal". Now I know! Be hurt, sad and confused. That is "normal". Try to figure it out so that you will know better next time what you do and don't want. I'm still grieveing and mad and questioning. The farther I get the easier it is to see how sick he is and how sick I had become.
I am so sorry, (((((kissers))))), his words are very hurtful. I whole heartily agree with the others here. We do not have to accept others words as truth. We can find our own truth.
In some ways when you told him what you needed out of the relationship, he probably felt rejected. You were being honest with him (which is very healthy). Now he is rejecting you to make himself feel better. His actions seem pretty immature to say the least and they are definately hurtful. Still, it doesn't make them true. It is hard to have compassion for those who are slinging mud at us. VERY hard.
