The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I look back through my time with the A there were many many times including this summer where I totally wore myself down to nothing rescuing him. Rescue is a huge motif for me in my life. I regualrly go in for this large scale assaults to help others leaving myself devastated.
As you all well know since I discuss it often I live in a very very dysfunctional house. I told my housemates I am not cooking thanksgiving dinner unless certain things changed. They didn't. I discover this week that one of my housemates has gone ahead and bought a turkey despire the fact I told her I was not going to cook anything. In fact I'd made plans to do a volunteer gig that day.
Yeterday I had this huge fantasy all day of wanting to run out spend all my hard earned money (and it is very very hard earned) and make everything all right for her. The fact is I can't. I simply do not have the energy. I know full well she expects me to. I have told her some of her options. I know full well she absolutely wants me to rescue her. I do not know whatever possessed her to buy the turkey. For me the issue is that I do not need to run in and rescue her and exhaust myself int he process. One thing I am going to do which is the complete opposite of what I normally do is to say nothing and do nothing. I alway srun in and kill msyelf.
Last year I cooked and cooked for the A. He got loaded and fell asleep. Thanksgiving does not have a good flavor to it to me at the moment. I am grieving. I do not have room in my life for another rescue.
I'd appreciate any esh. I do not need to take her inventory or go into a full scale dramarama for her. She chose to buy the turkey she can deal with it. I don't know what persuaded her to do that. She knww there was no where to cook it and she also knew I am on really really limited energy. Last night I found her asking me when I was going to go shop. Well I don't plan to go shop at all because I am not cooking. I have told her I have to work and that is what I am going to do.
Obviously I can also let this become a huge resentment and drag msyelf down that way. Every single Thanksgivng I had with the A was a terrible dramarama, gullt, anger resentment occasoin. I do not need to repeat that either.
I think one of the things that I most dislike about this issue is that this housemate reminds me of me. When the impossible happens go to the extreme, go all out to make something happen when it can't. I did that repeatedly with the A. Rather than cook a journey level turkey I wanted gourmet. Rather than buy side dishes somewhere I killed myself. I am not willing to do that anymore. I am not in denial about where I live it absolutely is incredilby terrible.
One other issue is that I am in no shape place or form to cook dinner for lots of people. I don't have the moeny I don't have the energy and I simply don't want to. The A made me do that all the time and I'm through doing it.
So lots of triggers are up, lots of grief is up and most of all I want to "do" this differently.
I don't know what your "volunteer gig" is, but I think it is probably one of the best things you can do for yourself. It will keep you busy and the gift of giving will put your heart in the right place.
Since you made it clear that you aren't cooking there isn't much more that you can do. If the housemate isn't capable of cooking the turkey herself, there are plenty of hungry people in this country that would appreciate the donation.
Since you are changing the norm for yourself, how about setting a goal of happiness and changing what the holiday used to mean to you. Change is always an option and you can have whatever attitude you choose.
Chin up!! You're doing great :)
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I'm lost as to why this girl bought the turkey and why she thought you would cook it? Also there's nowhere to cook a turkey? There's no oven in this house? I'm totally lost. If there were an oven I'd say she can cook that puppy herself. I don't understand how she expected you to cook it but can't cook it herself? Do you have magic oven powers?
So here's my opinion, when I expect someone else to do something I confirm it with that person before I go out and spend any money. It's not your job to fix it for her, you obviously have better plans of somewhere you'd rather be. I'd be very clear with her and with everyone all the time about what you will and won't do. I think it all starts within yourself. Be clear about what you will and will not do and somehow that eminates from you and people don't mess with you. I never have that problem because I think people can sense when you don't deal with BS. Ever since I finished college, I have never had anyone (other than the A of course) infringe on me. If I was in a place I didn't like working, I quit. If I was in a place I didn't like living, I moved. If I didn't feel respected and appreciated I would be looking to move on. Except for the A... I guess professionally I was ok and personally I was a mess!
I never feel put out by other people, usually if I don't want to do something I just don't do it and people know that so they don't ask often.
there is an oven it is filthy and I am not going to clean it. I told her if a certain person left the house I'd bew willing to clean. He didn't. I'm not. i work 60 hours a week. I've discussed it with her ad nausem.
She's disabled so she can't bend and lift like other people. She also has a son who can cook it. I can't. I simply can't. I do not have the energy. Inside the turkey buying is the notion that I would contribute to the other food and in turn since its in a house with other people other people would probably be invited. this woman is really super codependent with another person in the house who I dislike and do not want anything to do with. I'm certtainly not spending my hard earned money on being gnerous to others. I got stuck with that by the A so many times. I am not doing it any more. If antying I want someone to cook for me.
This is bigger for me than it looks. The A always stuck me with looking after others, his mothers, his friends, his friends, his friends all the time. I will not look after anyone else but me these days. I try to be kind to others but one huge boundary for me these days is money. yes I certainly want to move out of this dump but at the same time I cna't when my credit is shot and I have other issues. One step at a time one boundary at a time.
This really doesn't seem like it's your problem - it's not like cooking a turkey is rocket science. It's probably one of the easiest things to cook. You're not leaving anyone in the lurch.
Don't you dare let those people manipulate you into cooking that d*** turkey in a filthy oven. You have better things to do. You work your a$$ off while they sit back and expect you to take care of them. If she can't pick up that turkey, I bet there's somebody else in that house she can badger into doing the hefting for her, besides you. Any idiot can follow directions and cook a turkey. You already told her you had to work, but you do not have to explain yourself further, to us or them.
Stick to your guns, Hon. You deserve some peace this holiday. Find somewhere else to be if you have to.
Love in recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
maresie go to your volunteer gig and enjoy YOUR day. As you said this is dysfuncitonal and let them have it. I guess it is boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
an opporutnity came up for the turkey to be cooked. I've let my friend know. No response. I know she wanst superhuman effort. I do not have that to give. I gave that to the A for years. I gave him every ounce of my energy for years. On holidays I doubled up, I tried harder. Now I no longer do that. I have more and more opportunities to practice boundaries.
Today some woman was banging on the front door like crazy hammering the thing at 5:00 a.m. for this maniplative awful guy who lives in the house. I have long since stopped interacting with him. She demanded I open the door and help her. I simply said I am not going to be able to help you and she cursed me out. Before I would have felt so responsible for her. I lived with someone similar for years. I was equally desperate for years. I spent years looking for the A, worrying abou tthe A, resenting the A, hating the A, taking the A back and being so embarassed by my behavior. I absolutely know where this woman is coming from but I do not have to help her. I do not have to do anything, judge her, worry about her, nothing. I simply said I am not going to be able to help you, no justification, no remosntration, nothing. I simply did not get invovled. I then went out the back door. I have no doubt this banging woke others. I also have no doubt that this saga will continue for quite a while. I also have no doubt that my HP has me here in this awful place to do boundary boundary boundary day and night.
