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I'm new to Alanon and I went to a meeting this weekend. Someone commented when dealing with the alcoholic, you need to know what your part is. Does this mean, if your an enabler?
Welcome, glad you are here. To me what that means is that for years in my eyes, my wife was the raging center of the chaos that filled my life. Over time and using the tools here I have found that her outbursts were made much worse by my reactions to everything.
I remember a 4 hour argument that reached the point of her threatening to slit her wrists... you know what that argument was about? ... I washed the dishes when I got home from work and she was insulted.
So, how important is it for me to prove to her, that it's ok for me to wash those dishes... 4 hours worth of hysteria and screaming .... No, not really. I have seen in practice that if she had an issue with something I was doing that she thought was hers to own... a simple, 'ok, honey if you want to do it... go ahead', worked rather nicely.
Weather she did it, or left me to finish it... didn't matter. My reaction changed the outcome of it. I changed "my part" of it, and things were better (for me anyway).
Thanks for sharing that...
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
"knowing your role" is very very complicated. Sometimes, the best place to start is knowing when to say nothing to a snarky comment, a hard look, or the cold silence. Sometimes, yes, it is knowing when we enable. I think personally the best place to start is always when I should/not open my moulth.
I think your answer is right, for the most part, but also believe that we have to be careful not to get too hung up in labels (such as enabling), as opposed to the core of the matter.... Looking at "our own part" (i.e. knowing your role) is mainly just taking a personal inventory, looking in the mirror, admitting to ourselves what part WE might play in various situations..... It's pretty easy to get frustrated and angry with active A's..... Sometimes, when we genuinely reflect and look at situations honestly, we play a part in these scenarios.... I used to like a saying that I got corrected on many years ago.... I used to say that my A-wife used to "push my buttons", and a wise counselor corrected me into accepting that I "allowed my buttons to be pushed".
Enabling behavior is well documented, but often we get entrapped with control and power struggle issues with our A's, and can get pretty self-righteous about our "rights" and "justifications" for our actions....
In my opinion, taking a look at "our part" is all a part of our growing capability with "self-honesty"....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
This reminds me of the 3 C's but there is a 4th C which is that I can CONTRIBUTE to the insanity via my own illness. Knowing how I contribute to the insanity is knowing my role in assisting in the generating of chaos in our home. This is a super great question, so glad you asked it! J.
Hi,
