The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For the last few months since the A left the trailer I had paid for all summer he has led me to think he is homeless and has been living in his car. Today I found out he is not. He has been staying with his uncle. Admittedly it is a longlong way from where I am and hardly comfortable. At the same time he has to worry about nothing, no bills except his storage and his telephone. He has a roof over his head and people to feed him. He offers nothing in the way of helping out with the dogs. When my dog was missing he did nothing to help look for her. He has been going back and forth from his uncles house in an old clunker of a car. If that car lasts six months it will be a miracle the way he drives. He is also driving it long long distances. This is really all the A has done all year drive long distances, prey on people, take drugs, crash cars, get ticket and feel sorry for himself.
One thing that galls me is that he will certainly be getting a lovely thanksgiving dinner with his uncle (who is working himself into the ground since he is codependent and taking care of everyone under the sun and more) and I won't.
I feel like this news helps me to move on even more. I do not have to worry anymore about getting a call that the A is lying dead somewhere as he is out in the wilderness. He took me for everything he could get, he took all the furniture, all the dvds everything. I am even aware that he did not want to be bothered with the dogs (who he claimed to love so much) and that he always intended to dump them on me.
The last few times I have spoken to the A its been the poor me act from him. How terrible it is for him leading me to think he was sleeping in his car and had nothing while all the time he has far more comfort than I do and the suppport and care of his Uncle instead of being out on a limb as I am.
The A is being controlled by the disease. This is not him who made this mess. There is no reason for us to take it personal. The A did not wake up and decide, "Hey, I think I will lose everything I own, chase away a woman who really loves me, and make myself so sick I cannot take care of myself."
Detach,in my experience, put the A you love into your heart, put your good memories there too. That A is gone. At least for now, maybe forever. That person wrecking cars, getting tickets, having no emotions,tearing your heart out, is not your loved one. That is a disease who has taken over, has your A locked inside somewhere.
It is possible he is in the last stage of aism where he cannot get help on his own, nor can he get well anymore unless in a lock up situation, or be so sick he cannot get out to get dope.
Mary sometimes I get so mad at my A when I am doing something that is so hard. Like digging a trench or up on a roof. Just yesterday I was cussing him and his brother who died from Liver failure, they are the idiots who chose where to put my barn.
Got lovem for building my barn, however it is downhill from my mountain so my three great stalls are a mucky,gross bog.I was digging a trench or trying to, all muddy, crying and cussing those brothers for not being here to do it. All the rain comes down off the mountain into my barn.
Then I got mad becuz neither of them were there to yell at.
lol what good did it do? Mary I heard hp say, ONE thing, one thing at a time. So I started throwing out the boards in there that I put in last winter to get around. Got it to drain some. Was so tired took off my muddy rain gear, boots and got in the shower, smeared pretty lotion on myself and promptly fell asleep on my featherbed.
Being angry, and feeling the resentment started to suck my energy away. I refuse to allow the disease to do that anymore. Natural alanon skills kick in. Took years to get to the point where they are habit.
You have your dogs, you have peace with no one abusing you. There is work, you still can walk and use your hands.
If I could I would go cook, and dish out at the soup kitchen.
Mary I invite you to look to today, not yesterday not tomorrow. Maybe you can do something nice today. Sometimes just brushing the dogs, or bringing home one plant for a buck or two and planting it feels good.
I love to go to GoodWill and snoop. I found some nice hemp rope and am doing a bit of macrame to make plant hangers. I find life around me makes me feel better.
Hugs honey, get back over here on your path.gotcha reeled in now.
Maresie you are one of my favorite writers on this board. You have some real insight and are really working hard on yourself and on improving your life. you are taking yourself seriously and this is so inspiring to me. I just wanted to tell you this. I like reading what you write, its really helpful to me. I have no idea what you look like and I have no idea what your name is. This thanksgiving, a woman somewhere in Wisconsin is giving thanks for your posts. Keep coming back. J.
Mary, I know what you mean. I am going to be alone with 3 kids and no other family this Thanksgiving. I have no idea what we're doing but the A has been giving me hell about coming over. I would go be around someone else. I think I would prefer to go to the shelter (not the one he's at :) and serve food than be with him. I am going to enjoy my day off with my 3 kids and have a blast! We are going to eat whatever we want and put up the tree. Can you go to a friend's house?
Debilyn: I am certainly not at peace. I live in a house with crazy people. For some reason our heat is way off. I live in a place that is like a rain forest and have to run the air conditioning in the midst of winter. I cannot even use the kitchen because of the dysfuncitonality in the house. The landlord does very very little. He will fix the heater obviously because it is costing him. He charged me $20.00 extra month for using the air conditioner! I am certainly by no means at peace where I live. I live squished up with the two dogs. Yes they are lovely and I adore them but I have no place else to go otherwise believe me I would go there. I would love to have an Uncle like the A has to fall back on. I don't have that. I have me and my ability to work period, work two jobs mind you, not just one two to pay off debt I incurred because of him. Somedays I need to get good and resentful about it because I need to remind myself where he took me.
I also for once need to have boundaries with those around me. So yes for this year I am not cooking thanskgiving for the A's friends to be totally ignored by him. I am not spending my money trying to make him happy anymore. I am sure he is miserable as sin because he does not get everything he wants when he wants it. I am also sure that he never even thinks of the dogs for one second or what my life is like either.
For some of us getting into the cesspit of resentment is the only way to be really clear about boundaries. I will not be giving to others till I drop ever again in my life.
