The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Have been working the program for about a year and a half now - so great and learned to detach with Love. My A went into rehab and has been working a program for himself now for the past 4 months. After he got out I set some strong boundaries and said I would be willing to date but it had to be at a slow pace until I felt safe and comfortable - otherwise I could only be his friend. I needed some emotional distance for a while to make sure we both remained healthy. Its been a struggle. He didn't like that arrangement but said ok.
I've had my moments and know I haven't been the best these past 4 months, but I was taking care of myself. There were two instances where I raged at him and I immediately made amends. Its been rough and I've questioned if dating was the right path or if we should just let it go. And I've verbalized my concerns. Isn't that what healthy people do? But deep down I was hopeful and there were signs of progress for both of us. At any rate, I found out on Sunday that a few weeks ago he couldn't take the new arrangement anymore. That day we had plans but when he called I was feeling pretty depressed and stressed with some changes going on for me. We decided not to go and I said I really needed space - I was in a bad mood and didn't want to make our situation worse. I wasn't the nicest and the following day I apologized for my behavior. I knew I hurt him and I felt bad. Evidently he was hurting more than I knew; but rather than talk to me about his feelings and try to find a solution with me, he went online and started to seek another relationship.
Last week I found out after his lies and deceptions and trying to go behind my back. I was/am so hurt and disappointed. I was so hopeful that perhaps if we both worked our programs, that we would get through this 1st year of recovery. The love I have for him is deep and sincere and I feel it from him too...but he just doesn't cope with difficulty very well. I hate to say it but I almost wish he would've drank instead of ran off to find someone else. He's done this too me before in times of relationship stress. I know its his way of escaping reality and his own feelings/pain. Last time I forgave. I guess this time I expected more from him than he is capable of giving. He's been in and out of treatment and has worked AA 2 other times. I know its a process and on God's time, not mine. But it still doesn't take away the hurt and pain. I wish I could turn back the clocks - I wish I wouldn't have behaved the way I did and had been able to be more compassionate and given more the past 3 months that we've tried dating. But I couldn't - I was still afraid and wanted to go slow. I wish I could've been stronger.....I tried my best to be patient and support but did criticize and call out to him whenever he behaved like his old self - lying, hanging up the phone, creating tension.
For some reason I feel responsible that he strayed - though I know I'm not, I'm trying to see my part. Perhaps this is my God's will for us. I can forgive him for this but I can't contine. Even after our outburst on Sunday he still has not ended talking with her daily and there is no way I can continue with him, it is too painful. I need him to earn my trust back - i can forgive but I need the strength to let this go. Otherwise I am disrespecting myself and my worth. But darn it it hurts and is so hard.
So, because you are human and do not always react in the best possible fashion, he is justified in doing whatever he wants? You know that this is not true.
Whether this is a deal breaker for you, or not, I certainly don't know.
I do know that you can't have relationship all by yourself - he has to take responsibility for his end of things, just as you have to for yours. If one partner repeatedly uses a "get out of jail free" card, while the other has to face unreasonably harsh consequences for her actions, the relationship is fundamentally unjust, and the result of this is always resentment.
This type of thing was really common for us - he would expect to be forgiven, with no consequences, for the most awful misbehaviour. All he felt he had to do was to say he was sorry (not always even that) and just stop doing it for the moment. Whereas, if I were to slip for a minute or two from the almost superhuman perfection he expected of me, (and I did, of course I did) I'd pay for it for days, weeks.
We both had to do a lot of work to make some changes in this unhealthy pattern. I had to allow myself mistakes, whether he allowed them of me or not. I also had to stop accepting unacceptable behaviour - after all, I was willing to forgive anything. What incentive did he have to change - he really didn't have to. And, once I stopped accepting unjust punishments for minor sins, he was less apt to deal them out. Eventually our relationship started to change from one where I was the watchful yet magnaimous mother/judge, and he was the bad little boy who took joy in occasionally finding fault with me, into something a bit closer to a normal human relationship.
I know how deep that hurt goes. I truly love my AHsober so much. But he doesn't love himself to love me back. I can't tell you how many times I have tried to choose my words so carefully as to not set him off or have that wall go up. But you know what we aren't perfect. Normal people make mistakes and don't bail out of relationships. Alcoholics bail out and make it look like it was your fault. Hope this helps.
I know how hard this hurts you. I admire your honesty. You know you are not responsible for his behavior. Like taking a drink, it comes down to choices. Relationship stress may explain the behavior, but it doesn't justify it. Only you can decide what to do from here. "To thine ownself be true." Follow your heart and take care of you. Remember recovery is a selfish act. It has to be. It's how we heal. All will be well. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
