The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello I'm new here, I have been married to an alcoholic for 30 years (my god it has been a LONG time). Anyway we have been through all the ups and downs through the years of him being sober for long periods of time and then binges for months on end. But right now I am at a loss as what to do and so fed up with what he has done this time. He has a big problem of going on a binge EVERY TIME I go out of town! We were in Oklahoma for 10 years and since our family was still in California I would fly out about 4 times a year and everytime he would take off work and just stay home alone and drink himself almost to death and not answer the phone or call me! We separated for a year about 6 years ago because of his drinking and when we got back together of course he promised ONCE AGAIN that he would NEVER drink again! Well this is what is happening now. We moved back to Ca 2 years ago and my daughter, son-in-law and our only grandchild have moved to Canada over by the east coast and I just flew out there for 11 days and guess what..he did it again! I am so upset I can hardly see straight we were getting along great and having a great time being home in Ca again and he pulls this again. I just don't know what to do I have been home for 3 weeks and I can't even talk to him I am so mad! I just feel like he has no consideration for me at all, this ruined my whole trip because he also would not answer the phone and I didn't know if he was even alive! Well or course he says he is"sorry" and all that but I just feel that this time is unforgivable but I am in no position financially to leave him! Anyway I guess I just needed someplace to vent. Thanks for listening. Any advice would me appreciated : ) Sorry this is so long!
One thing that I found helped me, quite a bit, was to assume that he would act in the future pretty much the same way he acted in the past.
That is, you know that he wil binge when you are out of town. Therefore, it does not have to ruin your trip. If it makes you feel better, make sure that someone in your town knows where you can be reached, in case he does end up in the hospital or in jail. If necessary, he can have a note in his wallet. Frankly, I always preferrred my husband time his binges for when I was away - then I didn't have to watch them.
The trick to sanity is to accept that reality is what IS, not what you want it to be. You really have no control over his drinking, whether you are in the next room or two thousand miles away. It just FEELS like you have control, when you are home. When you are gone, if he feels the need for you, he knows how to dial a phone. He can contact you, at any time. He's a big boy, and keeping him sober is not your job.
Please come here and vent, any time you want. We do understand, we've all done the same things you have. I stayed with my alcoholic husband through the whole thing - he sobered up at the age of 52.
Thanks so much for your response. I have a question. Okay if I do like you said and just expect that he will do this when I leave, which is pretty much what I do but always HOPE he won't. Do I come home and act like all is well and just ignore it? I have not told my family that he has still been doing this for the pat 6 years but our son called here while I was gone and knew my husband was drunk so he called and told me as I was sitting in the room with my daughter and her family so now our daughter is so discusted that he did this that she has told me she does not want him involved in her son's life anymore because of what she remembers her childhood was like with a drunk around and she does not want her son exposed to it! So now that my H knows that everyone knows he will not answer the phone and I am worried at what to do for the holiday.
Every person has to make these decisions for herself, but there are some questions you can ask yourself, to help you figure out what would help YOUR situation.
One is, is this worth going to the wall for, for you? If you felt and continue to feel, that you cannot stay married to a man who does this, then, really, it's simple - he has done it, so the marriage is over. (of course I know it's not really that simple, but I'm trying to make a point)
Most of us find it best not to make threats, not to issue ultimatums. Instead, state clearly what you will and will not accept, and then if that line is crossed, take the action you said you would take. If you don't feel able to carry through a consequence, best not to draw that line. Draw one instead that you DO feel able to defend.
One thing that I found really helped my marriage was to stop nagging. He knew how I felt. Repeating it did neither of us any good.
Take a good look at the man he really is. Not the man you want him to be, or the man he could be if he would only not drink, but the one you actually have - drinking and all. Is he a man you still love and want to be married to? If so, accept that he will do things that you do not like, and take steps to protect yourself from those things. Remember that he is not drinking in order to hurt you, or because of you - he is drinking because he has a disease that makes him believe that he can't stop. It has, in the end, not much to do with you.
You don't have to decide all this all at once. Do some reading, go to some meetings, spend some time here. Some of what you hear will responate with you, and you will think, "Yes, I can do that" - try it, see what happens, then take the next step.
I honestly was in total despair at one point, living with verbal abuse that was starting to escalate into physical abuse. I saw no way out. Two years later, my husband and I were not fighting, at all, I was having quite a bit of fun in my life, and, although my marriage was far from what someone else would call good, my husband and I had enough moments of affection and intimacy for me to get by on. It was the application of the alanon principles of detachment, letting go, and focusing on me, that made most of the difference. He did not sober up until several years later, but I started getting better then.
Welcome to the MIP family. Lin is right on the money with this one. If you choose to respond to his drinking, will it make you feel any better? Will it be better? If you choose not too, will it just bottle up inside you or will it give you serenity? For me, there's a part of me that says "I'd be greatful for the fact that he's not drinking everyday, and he's doing it away from me." But that's me.
This program allows us to make decisions that our in our best interests, whatever that decision is. Hope you'll find some local meetings in your area. But if you can't, please join us here. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Welcome - you are in the right place. Sorry you are going through this again. It is so disappointing, isn't it. But remember it is a disease and your husband is powerless of it. Though they say they will never do it again, and I truly believe they mean it, they just can't help themselves. It affects their mind, body and spirit. My A is a binger too and it is so difficult as during those months of sobriety I feel we are makign progress, and we probably are. But then the disappointment.....
Keep coming back - this program truly works and is a blessing. Big hugs to you, Twinkie
Thanks to ALL of you for the WARM welcome : ) It has been about 7 years or so since I have been to a meeting. I never really felt comfortable at meetings because I am some what shy (do not like talking in a group) I know you don't HAVE to talk but when they go around the room and everyone else talks you feel kind of funny if you don't. So I am glad I found this message board. Val
I did not talk in al-anon meetings for around a year. Then I slowly began to. I could not look a single person in the eye, either. Talking is coming out of denial and coming out of our shell and is the beginning of healing.
