The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A quick review of my situation. H and I have been together since high school (15 years) and married 7. We have a 6 year old and an 8 month old baby. He abused drugs before he met me, quit when we started dating for 2 years, smoked pot and binge drank pretty much every day in college, quit smoking pot so that he could become a police officer (ha!ha!), continued to binge drink on his nights off (12-18 drinks), stayed out late with friends til 5 or 6 in the morning for the first few years of our marriage. Cut down somewhat to 6-12 drinks on his nights off. Took up a prescription drug addiction for the last 2 years. The past year we have been emotionally abandoned as he has battled his addiction and untreated depression. The usual bit of lying, deception, etc. He continues to deal with mental illness though he is receiving treatment. Progress is very slow, but I expect that. During his addiction I mentally prepared to leave and get a divorce. I became detached about 6 months ago. I spent 2 months grieving the marriage, realizing that I couldn't put my kids through this never ending bout of addictions. I was burned out and had nothing left to give. Then with the threat of divorce, he quits the drugs. He has been off for 2 months. So question #1 H expects me to "get over it" as I always have with his 'stunts' and he has accused me of not working on the marriage and being closed off. As far as I am concerned 2 months is jack squat and I DO NOT trust him. After receiving therapy the last 3 months I am starting to realize that we aren't going to work even with the addictions under control. He continues to drink roughly 6 drinks on his nights off and when he works days, he drinks daily. Am I supposed to just get over it and move on as if our lives have been severely affected by his behaviors? Is it fair of him to force me to forgive him so quickly as this has been my problem in the past. Addiction is still present. Question#2 After being damaged from the stress of taking care of a new baby and child with no help, dealing with his monthly opiate withdrawls, finishing an advanced degree, working part-time, and his emotional outbursts (panic attacks, suicide threats) I am burned out. I became depressed from all of this (and I am gradually recovering) and I don't think I love him anymore. I still want out. Is it possible to switch gears from being set on leaving and then deciding to stay and work it out? I don't know if my feelings are from the depression or just fed up? Thoughts, insight would be appreciated.
Oh yeah - "I'm not actively making you miserable right this very second, so what's your problem? Get over it!" I think everyone here has heard that song.
A couple of things have to happen for you to get over it - one is for real change on his part, and the other is for real change on yours. Only time will tell if real change is in the cards for him, and you have no control over that anyway. You can start working on your own recovery though, and you've come to the right place.
When my husband first sobered up, he said he was sorry, a couple of times, for what he had put me and the kids through. He obviously figured that was enough talk about that. He then went on to the typical rocky first year of recovery - some real change and improvement, and some behaviour that made me long for the good old days of him getting wasted. About four months in, after I had been going to alanon for a while, he was needling me one day - "So, how about you? You doing any soul searching about your end of things, at those meetings?" I was a little distracted about something else, and answered him honestly, without really thinking of the impact it might have on him "Yeah, I'm starting to figure out what was wrong with me that I put up with it for so long". He was visibly stunned, and walked away pretty quickly. I noticed that he treated me quite well for several days after that, and was careful from then on not to inquire too deeply as to how my recovery was going!
The point is - your actions have had a part in the dynamic of your marriage. Until you understand them, and take responsibility for them, and heal from them, you can't know whether you will be able to heal your feelings towards your husband. And, even if you can, a person can't have a happy marriage all by herself. You can honestly tell your husband that you don't know the answer to his quesitons, and it will take some time and some work before you do. If he doesn't like that, oh well. It's the truth.
I urge you to get to meetings - they really will help you make some sense of all this.
You ask about switching gears? Why would you want to?
The truth is your H is the one that must decide to work on "it", his addictions. You've already done a lot of work! You may decide to switch gears yourself, but his addictions are way more powerful than anything you say, much less DO.
I'm sure you've already discovered this for yourself :) .
A little of my story is I kicked out my drug addicted H in June, I even turned him into the sheriff, he went to jail, and I was almost convinced he was sitting in jail, head hanging in grief over what he'd lost. No, he's still out there using drugs and now selling them, so the story goes. I did what I *thought* was THE THING that would wake him up. Deny him his own home and wife.
If anything goes to show how powerless we are over their addictions, it's that story!
In Alanon you'll hear this a lot: Take care of YOU. Take care of yourself, whether you go or stay. Get clear on what you want and need, and what you're willing to put up with. We focus on ourselves, as Lin points out, and we do play a part.
However much our addict/alcoholics blame us for their drinking or using, we are not to blame at all. They'll recruit us into being their caregiver, savior, punching pillow, and it's our complicity with this that we realize we CAN control, and we must take responsibility for it. Just like we can't make them quit drinking, they can't make us quit enabling them or even stay with them.
I too encourage you to go to meetings, get the works, a sponsor and work the steps. There is a lot of recovery here, too :)
Glad you came by, and I hope you stay and join us in your journey through :)
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, encouragement and humor (good for the ). You weren't made this way in two months, why should you be able to switch gears so quickly.
Alanon gives us the tools necessary to make decisions that are in our best interests. I know you're swamped with work and a new baby, but please make some time to find some local meetings for yourself. If you can't, please join us online for meetings. They are so helpful. You are not alone in this journey. Your recovery is about you and for you, regardless if he chooses recovery or not. It's about taking back your life. Living the life you and your baby so richly deserve. It's about taking care of you. Please keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am thinking that you have alot of issues to deal with. Can you separate the issues? Your kids are they well taken care of, your schooling, your marriage, your finances, your emotions towards your H. They tell us one day at a time sometimes one hour at a time.
"Yeah, I'm starting to figure out what was wrong with me that I put up with it for so long".
I said the exact same thing to my H. He hasn't asked about therapy since. My therapist has been really good. The kids are well taken care of. He thinks that if the oldest doesn't see him drunk or take pills that she hasn't been affected. Bull! We have a great support network here. They don't know what's going on, but when things get difficult I can count on them for childcare. I am doing better. Finances are stable. H is not and it's hard. I've been on this roller coaster 1 too many times and I don't want to get back on. I was raised strict Catholic so it's hard to give up, which in essence I have done. I think part of it is that I have started to respect myself more. I am at the stage where I am doing self-inventory and it is painful and hard not to beat myself up. To make the situation a little more tricky, there is a good chance I will be offered a job requiring us to move. H does not want to move. I will have to make a decision soon. I not sure I want to give up 6 years of advanced education for the marriage that I have been living in. I can't win against an addiction.
Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, encouragement and humor (good for the 
). You weren't made this way in two months, why should you be able to switch gears so quickly. 