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I have so much to be thankful for: my life, my job, my kids, my recovery program. This was a week from hell at work. I got thru it and I know that I have better boundaries. My AHsober came last weekend to "help" and as he was leaving dropped a bomb that he was buying land with a friend. He only needed me to sign off on letting him take money out of his 401K. I said no that that was stupid. There are other ways to get money. I told him that he had always provided for us and made sound financial sense. But every now and then, like now, he makes big financial moves that aren't sound. He said he could do what he wanted with his assets and that he didn't need me to sign the loan. He said then he was going ahead with the divorce and that it wasn't negoitatable. I said take the papers because it wasn't my responsibility to divorce him. I have resigned myself to being divorce. I made some phone calls about job possibilities. I know I could make it on my own. Of course, with the holidays coming up it gets emotional. But what got me was that I saw a co-worker today. They are always baiting me about "of course he comes home every weekend, right?" I said no. She said well what' sgoing on, I hear rumors. I just feel so embarassed and ashamed. I never know what to say. This is such a small town (he lives in another state) and we both work for the same company. I know my AHsober doesn't hear this stuff and doesn't care about the impact anyway. I just want to crawl in a hole and let it all be over with.
It sounds like your in a lot of emotional pain right now and that is understandable. Having been through 3 divorces I can say through experience you will get through this. God always has a way to help us through our valleys and take us to the mountain tops on the other side.This is a vally, no doubt, a very dark one being the holidays and all, but take care of yourself, celebrate as best you can, in your own way (I've found this very important) and all of this will pass.
The slogan, This too shall pass, has gotten me through a lot. At the time I'm going through a rough time and "just want to crawl in a hole and let it all be over with." I remembere that in a year or two, maybe even less I'll look back on this and have a different perspective a good reason to WAIT and not be impulsive about my decisions.
Take care Nancy, my thoughts and prayers are with you. java
I am confused by your situation and it seems like things have really been pretty much over for quite some time. If he lives in another state why would divorce be an issue? It seems like the next logical step. I know you can make it on your own! My only esh to you is make sure you get what you deserve in the divorce and don't sell yourself short trying to be nice or fair and then later regret your choices.
Divorce is sad. Hoidays especially. I don't have any words to make it less sad. Just getting thru it the best you can, then seeing that you did get thru helps. No matter what the circumstances the end of a marriage is hard. Grieve, be sad, that's normal. We have to go thru it otherwise we just hang on to it and let the grief and anger rule our lives. As far as nosey co-workers, my best response to questions that are that rude is "Why do you ask?" It kind of makes them stop an think, why do they need to know something that is none of their business. Some people thrive on others drama. Everytime my mind strays to my ex I swing it right back around to me and what I can do for my life (shopping for presents, comming here, getting off my butt and cleaning). You will get thru this, ODAT.
Kudos to you for seeing the red flags with the 401(k). Right there is a whole can of worms unto itself--and this is from someone that stares at math with glazed eyes. I'm certain any of our numorous business men/women can comment there. But, more to the point about keeping the focus on our recovery: kudos to you for seeing how, at the end of the day, what needed to happen more than anything else was you standing up for yourself, your needs, and your boundries. Kudos for you for saying "This is what I feel, these are my limits, and this is what I am not willing to accept." I think a pat on the back is well deserved. I hope you give yourself one.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Nothing like nosey co-workers to drive you crazy! I would simply tell them that you prefer NOT to discuss your personal life at work. Rumors and inuendos are going to fly around no matter what you do. I hate to say that, but it comes with working in a small office and town. I've been there. Over the years I have managed to say to more than a few people that I don't discuss my personal life, especially when it involves other members of my family. I also make it clear to them that I don't converse about their private lives, so I would greatly appreciate it if they didn't do it about mine. It makes me uncomfortable. I hope they would respect that decision. I then walk away. It's their decision to involve themselves in that kind of behavior. I choose not to. You did great with the 401K. When it becomes his money he can do whatever he wants with it. But for now, it's both of yours, protect yourself.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
very few people get married with the idea of divorce in mind. I didnt. I really thought this was going to be OK- not even like fantastic, just a-ok because when I got married, I was 39 and had done a lot and thought I knew myself well enough to not buy into all the romantic fantasies. After living on the planet for 40 years you pretty much see it all. So I was not thinking of a bed of roses. I was thinking- steady, a-ok, supportive through the ups and downs, good sense of humor, accepting our imperfections, etc. etc. NOT SO.
divorce is a crashing down. Its a break. Its a half and half possibility. No one gets married if they think it will end in divorce. Everyone who marries, marries because they believe the marriage will be a good one.
My expectations were not high. Now they are so incredibly low but in the program I heard that ANY expectations are just premeditated resentments in the beginning stages of being hatched. I am beginning to truly understand this.
Holidays are hard anyway. Divorced, separated, single, even married or with someone. They bring out the beast in all of us. I am separated, not sure if I will get divorced or not. I am in a holding pattern for now. He can serve papers any time he wants and I will sign them. I am too busy working on myself to think about divorce. I need to stay totally focussed on myself and what I am doing to slowly improve the quality of my life. Spend the holidays with program people. Invite yourself, they will welcome you. Attend as many F2F meetings as you possibly can in each week and do not stop- ever. Keep coming back here. Connect with program people through service. This program works but you have to work it.
Letting go of what we want and accepting what really is, is so difficult. I hid the fact that my AH left our home for as long as I could too. My A would say he ran into this person or that and I'd jump right into "what'd you tell them..."
What I've learned is that no matter what I want, it is best for me to live with what really is -- and the sooner I accept it, the faster I get to enjoy what is pleasant and good in my life. I had to stop spending energy trying to protect what just wasn't anymore.
The end of your marraige is not a reflection of you.... you know you gave it everything, and you couldn't have held it together any better if you were super glue. For myself, I had to grieve -- grieve the fantasy of what I thought was but wasn't, what I had hoped it would have been but wasn't, and especially mourned all those "if only" senerios. I had to grieve and let them go.
I can vividly recall your post where you rearranged your living room furniture and what that meant for you. Maybe today is the day to do a little more rearrangning for Nancy.
I can promise you, the hardest part is actually letting go, but it gets so much better once you do.
hi sweetheart, gads so many nice people going thru H.
Ok I have said this before, but it sure helps me.Simply say back,"what makes you ask?"
Usually that stops them. Sorta like a polite way for you to say it is noyb. I learned to get to where when I was at work, all I had to do was work, it was all I had to think about. It helped immensly.
Made it into a place I could let go of all the racing thoughts of who what where how>>
On the way to work I would remind myself, I had a decorated note on my dest that said, All you have to do is think about work here.
I went thru the leaving bs, pain of abuse, fear of unknown too. that horrible gut thing,anxiety and ya wonder if it will ever go away.
I read a lot of Leo Buscalgia. that helped. sending youlove,debilyn running out to do the mri
