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I'm having a hard time with not trying to "control" him. Some things I read say I need to just chill out, have fun- work on making me happy... but then I read about "enabling" and find that if I think it's unexceptable that he's not going to AA meetings and having "a drink once a week" I need to make a stand about it. It's only been a few weeks ago that I started making a "stink" about him getting sober and going to AA. He did good at first (because he had a fresh jail scare) but now is dwindling. Do I say "Your not going to AA is unexceptable, either you do 90 meetings in 90 days, or you will have to stay with your mom" ??. And then how meetings does he have to miss for me to enforce that? MAIN QUESTION: I hear "you can't make him go to AA" but what about enabling... if I don't kick him out am I enabling by making that behavior exceptable? AND Am I freaking out too early? My way of thinking is I'm not putting up with this for years and years... I want to make sure he knows I am very serious... it will definitly wake him up a bit (and piss him off) if I kick him out IF he doesnt do AA or counceling. But I don't know if I've got this all straight. Help!
It is quite simple Tree. If you set a boundary, you need to keep it. If your edict is that he attend 90 meetings in 90 days or he must go, then he is out when he misses the first one. That's the thing about boundaries. If we set them, we must be prepared to keep them; otherwise what purpose do they serve?
The idea is to set our sites on keeping ourselves sane and serene, and to pick our battles carefully.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thanks for that, which brings up another thing... I won't ever know if he misses a AA meeting unless he fess' up! I've heard of lots of A's that say they go but don't! How frustrating!
Sounds like your on your way to taking care of yourself. We have to work our program and in a way their program is none of our business. I find that my AHsober doesn't tell the truth often. They say ultimatums don't work either. So I try to set small boundaries but most of the time I know that I am not going to win this one.
There is no "winning" when you fight with alcoholism. This is a disease not a moral issue or a problem to be thought thru. He has gotta do his part for him and there is a part you gotta do for yourself. If you look up the hoteline phone number for the Al-Anon Family Groups (Al-Anon) in your area you can call that and get a list of the face to face meetings in your area. At those meetings you can find a ton of useful literature, written in easy to understand language so that you can get a better or best perspective of what you are up against and other very useful information. You are invited to go and stay at any of the Al-Anon meetings where you will be accepted and allowed to participate as suggested. Everyone in the room will have their own story about how they went thru what you are going thru.
I have heard a lot of people talk about putting boundaries around the alcoholic and I know that many and more boundaries that the alcoholic can and will cross over conciously or unconciously.
Read the previous post on this site. They are very enlightening and keep coming back.
Boundaries are for you not him. If you try to put boundaries on him that's just another measure of control. You can only control you. He has to make his own choices and live with the consequences. If you make a boundary you have to consistently stick to it. Are you really prepared to walk away? If not don't say it until you are. Do you have the ability to kick him out? Would he go or refuse? These are all things to be thought out first. We all have our limits, you know yours but set boundaries for YOU. Also, don't set boundaries on things you can't enforce, you said you wouldn't know if he had been to a meeting or not. Personally, I would say if you come home drunk then (whatever you are actually ready to do) and not try to police his activities.
As others have already stated, the boundaries are for yourself. Boundaries are useless unless you stick to your guns.
After years of refusing to have an active A in my home, I did allow my oldest daughter to move in temporarily after she served 9 months on drug related charges. The rules were clear, the boundaries were set, and she broke every one of them.
She was shown the door after 30 days, and I changed the locks.
4 years later she is still drinking/using.
My rules/boundaries didn't change her, but they did protect me and my recovery. I tend to be hard-nosed in what I will and won't accept, and I don't apologize for it either :)
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Welcome to the MIP family. Lots of good replies here. Let me add this: an addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. The best thing I have learned is how to detach and stay out of his recovery. I can't make him go to AA. I can't make him call his sponsor. It has to come from him. That's the only way they get better. They have to be ready for, not just want it.
To me enabling is buying booze for him, dropping him off at a bar, etc. Boundaries are no good unless you stick to them. If you don't want drinking in your house, then don't allow it. I have never been able to say no booze in the house, because they are sooo good at hiding places. I refuse to look for it any more. Why am I wasting my time? Talk about banging your head against the wall.
I never thought that by focusing on me that things would change for the better. The truth is, it has! This is the beauty of the program. I have to take care of me. I was an "old idea" (to quote one of my favorite people here! ) and had to change me if I wanted to get better.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat
-- Edited by Karilynn at 08:10, 2007-11-17
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Boundaries - are guidelines I have for MY OWN behavior. I set boundaries for ME not for others. They tell me what I will and will not tolerate from others. More importantly they tell me what actions I need to take if a boundary is crossed.
Expectations - are 'requirements' that I impose on others. They have to do with controlling others' behaviors. To expect one to not cross a boundary is - in a sense - thinking that you are going to change the way that person acts towards you or around you. Remember we can't change others' behaviors (not even by setting boundaries!)
For me, when I first started the program I would set boundaries and EXPECT everyone to respect these boundaries. When they didn't I would feel hurt and develop resentments towards those people who crossed the boundary.
Since I saw boundaries more as my expectation of what others' should or should not do around me... I stopped at that. I never thought of MY PART in the situation. I just figured if I told people not to lie to me... that they wouldn't lie. I didn't think it all the way through to what I would DO if they lied.
In summary - I have learned that
Boundaries are for me. They are guidelines that remind me of what I will and will not accept from others and they are also guidelines for what I WILL DO if someone crosses a boundary. I have no expectation that others will respect these boundaries. But now I have a plan for what I will do
This post and all the responses really hit home with me. Thank you for sharing. For me the most frustrating thing is not knowing what to do or say anymore because nothing seems to be changing.
Lots of good replies here. Let me add this: an addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. The best thing I have learned is how to detach and stay out of his recovery. I can't make him go to AA. I can't make him call his sponsor. It has to come from him. That's the only way they get better. They have to be ready for, not just want it. 
) and had to change me if I wanted to get better. 