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I haven't been here in a while, but I'm back for some thoughts and advice.
The Alcoholic in my life is my dad. He's drank my entire life (I'm 27), and after almost 30 years of marriage my mom finally left my dad early this year. She just packed her and my little brother's things one day after one of my dad's binges and left. Things from there have gone downhill pretty quickly. He quit his job for like the 10th time (same job just kept taking him back) and did nothing but drink. This was in California (I'm in AZ) so one day me and my aunt (dad's sister) went out to CA to pick him up, he was literally gone. He's diabetic, (48 years old) and his feet, hands, and face get extremely swollen, it gets so bad he can't even see. Anyways my aunt agreed to bring him to AZ (a few hours away from me) and take care of him. She's enabled him even more, in fact just so he doesn't walk to the nearest store for licquor she buys it and brings it to him. He sobered up for a while and had a job, but left after a few weeks. He's been with my aunt for about 6 months now. My mom filled for divorce and their house was recently sold. My dad is a total loss. My aunt has had to take him numerous times to the hospital, detox, she even got him into some rehab program but as usual he leaves as soon as he feels better and starts drinking again. I went to see him a few weeks ago and he cried and told me how much he misses all of us (even my mom) and said that his life was over. I know, and the doctors have confirmed it, that he isn't going to be around much longer. His kidneys and liver are completely damaged. They won't say how much time they think he can continue to live, they just say he's like a ticking time bomb.
Anyways, my question is how do you prepare yourself for a loved one's death? It hurts to even think about it, but I know I have to accept it, it's going to happen, my dad is killing himself at a very fast pace. As many of you probably understand dealing with and living with an alcoholic is not easy. I harbor a lot of anger/resentment towards my dad. Don't get me wrong when he was sober he was a great dad, but the alcoholism got the best of him and would turn him into a monster. When he's drinking he becomes a very negative person and likes to put people down, he used to make threats as well, always said we would be one of those families on the tv news after he killed us all. I remember being so scared of him, I slept with a steel bat under my bed for years! It's hard to look past all the damage he's caused even though deep down I feel sorry for him.
My aunt says me and my brothers need to prepare ourselves for his final day, but how does one do that? She thinks we should all be around him as much as possible and spend this holiday season with him and enjoy our last moments with him, but how do we overcome all the negative feelings and resentment and prepare ourselves for our father's possible death? Most importantly how do we prepare our little brother (14) (who doesn't even want to talk about my dad, let alone see him) for this? Do we tell him "Hey you know dad hasn't stopped drinking in months, we think he's going to die one of these days, do you want to see him?" I just don't understand what I'm suppossed to do or say. Anyone ever dealt with this? Any advice would be trully appreciated!
Hopeless in AZ
-- Edited by Hopeless in AZ at 22:35, 2007-11-15
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Grant me the strenght to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!
How painful for you to watch this happen. When my A dad died from an alcoholic accident, he went suddenly. I never got the chance to say goodbye. I think of the Big Book from AA. Bill W the founder was told to prepare for his death. And he had his miracle. Maybe there is a miracle for your dad and for you. When you attend an AA meeting in their readings it says some of them (A's) can not of will not get it. Only our HP's know.
When my dad was dying of cancer I prepared for the end by making sure I was taking nothing for granted. I called him every day, I told him I loved him everyday. I spent the last 3 weeks with him, in his home, talking, listening or just holding his hand while he slept. I didn't want to regret anything. I don't. I did the same when I knew that my family was going to end. When I knew my ex was headed for relapse I made sure to treasure his sobriety. I made sure to look around and see what I love. I made sure to live in the moment. These things helped me in dealng with the imminent death. With the thought that death is really going to happen what else matters? Death is final, it will happen to us all. If there is ever a time to put the negative past on a shelf, this is it. If you can love him for who he is right now, I bet you wouldn't regret it. The fight is over, his life is over. Being there for him and for yourself is a wonderful gift. I thought I might have felt better if my dad and I were still estranged, I would just be able to hate him and not grieve or miss him. But that wouldn't have been the case. Estranged or not he died and there is grief and loss to be felt. Maybe it would be a time of healing. Think of how you would want things to be. Much love during this very hard time....
oh honey, it is the disease killing your father, it was the disease that had you scared.
Love your dad and hate the disease. That is how I do detachment. I adored my husband, but hated the disease and all the horrible things it made my husband do. Your dad would NEVER choose to be an A. He has given up, this is the latter stage of aism. He cannot stop.
Your aunt is choosing to keep him as comfortable as she can. There is no judging this.
Your father means all those nice things he says. He is being held prisoner inside his own body by this horrible condition.
My love goes out to you, yours and your sick father. Honey if you can, do your best to see him, not the disease.
You are right though, I don't see why anyone would choose to be this way. He's lost everything. I'll go see him as soon as I can, and I'll try my best to see him for what he is (my dad, the man that raised me through good times and bad) I'll try my best to get past all my hurt and resentment so I can be there for him until his last breath!
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Grant me the strenght to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!
I think letting go of the resentment that you have for him will be the most important thing. Remember the love, forgive him his sins against you, treat every time you see him as if it will be the last. Once I started doing that with my A it made it much easier to forgive. Look at the path he has chosen and the consequence it brings. Allow yourself to feel pity for him, remember he is sick and just let go of the resentment because it only hurts you.
I think for me, yes, you say exactly what you suggested to your little brother, and you say it because this honors him and his feelings and his reality. It tells him that whatever he decides is okay, but it gives him the option. It means that in 10 years, he can say "man, maybe I should have seen him after all" instead of "why in heck didn't you tell me?",
Just my 2 cents. So sorry you're having to go through this.
Debilyn's advice is so right. It releases you of any possible regrets that you may harbour after he is gone. It releases you of judgement and will give you a peace in your heart that you will treasure after he has gone.
I will pray for ((((you and your father, your brother and your aunt))))) as you walk the final steps with him in this life.
Heartbroken.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
In addition to having an adult daughter who's an A, my Dad was one also as was his Dad. Hopeless, I chose to forgive my Dad also and told him I loved him before he died of liver disease and cancer. But that wasn't enough. I had anger and repressed feeings way down there that had to come out. Consider that you and especially your younger (14) may need counseling to help get your feelings out and insure you're processing everything through. I was skeptical about the value of this but I joined an ACOA (Adult Children Of Alcoholics Group) and attended for a year and it really helped. You would be doing your brother a great service by getting him to Al-ATeen and even one-on-one counseling if that's financially feasibile.
