The material presented
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level.
I have been getting tons of emails from the A lately and the last few have been interesting.
One said we need to get together and talk about filing for divorce (I get those about once a week) and this time he added that if he doesn't hear from me by next week he's going to go ahead and file himself. My thinking is don't threaten me with a good time! It costs about $300 to file here and I know he doesn't have it, if he does, by all means please save me the money.
Then I talked to his mom yesterday who is moving out of her apartment today and relocating to Washington. She says he's sure he's going to get this particular job and she's supposed to hear back from him tonight (last night) to see if he got it. Apparently he told her he had an interview yesterday or something. Then I get an email from him later yesterday afternoon saying that he has a horrible infection in his leg and will probably have to stay in the hospital for a while and he will lose his bed time at the shelter whatever that means. He goes on to ask me not to tell his mom (which I hate because I don't like to try to keep track of other people's secrets) because she'll worry too much and asks me if I have any advice for him.
I contemplate calling his mom but figure it won't help anyone to do that and she really doesn't need the stress with the move and all PLUS her phone is to be shut off today anyway and by the time we are able to talk again this issue will probably be resolved.
I know this sounds b****y but all I could think was my advice is don't email me anymore or buy a saw and cut it off or just something not very nice. I guess I just don't have any and I have no idea why he would think I would. Maybe he was hoping for awww poor baby, come on home I know it's been 15 months since I moved out and you have no idea where I live and I like it that way but I just want to take care of you again and work two jobs and have 4 children instead of 3.
I have been keeping a very positive attitude about working two jobs and not getting resentful about the fact that he hasn't found a job or paid a dime of support. When I get these (now this is just how I take it) I'm never going to work because there is always something wrong with me - emails, that's when I start feeling some resentment. I feel like knocking him upside his head and saying I can support 3 kids and work 2 jobs and actually provide a pretty decent life and you can't even get your butt out of the shelter and then you want to email me about visits? I mean really where are they going to visit? At the shelter? He's certainly not coming to my house!
Did you ever get just so worn out on someone being sick all the time and always having something wrong with them that you just ran out of empathy for any kind of sickness? Even when the kids say they are sick most of the time I think they are malingering unless they have a high fever and are puking their guts out. I don't give them any sympathy when theyr're sick unless it's bad.
Thanks for listening, this too shall pass. I get so sick of his oh poor me, my life is so hard crap.
yes, I know how you feel with that, its amazing how they can find it so hard to care of themselves but we are expected to run the whole show on very little. He's just looking for your reaction the whole time and I know you are too busy for this, keep venting
I have a normal amount of "empathy" and sympathy for people having a rough time. But when this same person repeatedly abuses me in response to my patience and attempts to understand and "give another chance", I run out pretty quickly.
Gosh, all the exA had to do was GO TO A MEETING and I felt a resurgence of concern for him, and he couldn't even do that for himself. Any little attempt to get himself together was met with support.
Even after I'd kicked him out, and "heard" through the grapevine he was back in meetings and working hard, I breathed a sigh of relief. No hope left for our relationship, but maybe I wouldn't have to admit to my family he is dead or in prison, you know?
It was all I could do, for a couple of days, to not respond to exA's letter I got last week. I'm glad I just didn't respond . . . because on Monday I told the sheriff about it, and THEY are going to respond :D :D , it will make every so much bigger and impression on him than I could have made :)
Plus I'm not supposed to respond per the RO . . . but I was seriously considering it anyway! The emotions just go so high and hard.
The lack of sympathy is not cruel, it is the essense of self protection and self care, which is what Alanon is all about. So is venting :), and I'm glad you did.
Actually, I thought "Good for you for knowing your limits CG. You've come a long way." You have the right to structure the emails. And I've said to my mom "Mom, if you want to have a family session, or keep threatening me with one, then I'm going to talk about our family, and I'm going to talk about everything." Needless to say, the family session never came to fruition. So, if your ex A is threatening to file, you could say something like "I would actually be obliged to you if you went ahead and filed the paper work; I've been so busy taking care of the kids, I simply haven't had time to go down and do it myself. It would be so thoughtful of you to put our relationship, versus your addiction, first for a change." The next time he whines about losing his "bed space" you could say "I'm certain you could find a bed with one of your many girlfriends; do you have to buy drugs and sleep with them first to get the bed, or is that a negotiable point?" After a while, he'll get the message. Oh, and good luck with the second job. I got fired from mine
I do have empathy but it is no longer across the board. The A I was with is/was/I think also homeless. He is living in an old car. I get distressed thinking about it. I spoke to a counselor last night and realised he made the choices to be there. I have to keep moving on.
That's how I think about it now. I think about all of the chances he had over the past year to get it right and still he is in the same position and nothing has changed. I have done a 180 and changed in just about every way. I have the responsibility for 3 other people too and have still managed to make it despite him. I don't have any sympathy for him anymore.
I also have to work super hard not to be drawn into the A's stuff and some of the people who live in my house's stuff. I try really hard not to. I work super hard on detaching. I work super hard on recognizing I need tobe responsible for me alone at the moment.
I have moments when I regret he can't be there on any level, financial, emotional anything. There are other times when I can absolutley let it go.
Hugs cg When the a stuff comes up 4 me all I can do is give it an application of the first step.. Really, its the easy way 2 go 4 me. Inwardly -- visually its an application like white washing the a self talk issue dynamics. Oceans of love, getoverit
well, I think we have lived all of our lives w/o much compassion or sympathy, particularly for ourselves. Its hard to really feel that sometimes, for me, for the a. Mine was in the hospital w/serious back surgery and no one in his family called me, he didnt call me. When i did find out about it (the a told me) it was like: "oh, sorry you have do go through that." click/hang up. We live several thousands of miles apart. I was worried. he was unable to walk for several months but he certainly enjoyed the pain meds...(of course) and now he may be addicted to those- who knows. I was worried about him but why if he isnt even going to tell me what is going on, etc.? I should be grateful he didnt bother. Saved me a lot of headache but you know, it will come back to haunt me one day (dont u know it). In the middle of something it will become all my fault. Its incredible how every single thing becomes our fault. Maybe this is why we no longer have any sympathy.
He stops making his health insurance payments and suddenly doesnt have any health insurance...wow, what an amazing realization that is: you stop paying for something and low and behold, it disappears! (duh)
You stop paying the water bill and ohmigod- the water gets shut off!! Gee Whiz!
Its like these people are living two different lives or something? I have never ever been able to understand this incredible lack of understanding about the basics like consequences!! because of course I am the super responsible one- we all are, I bet. We make sure the ends meet. We make sure the priorities get attended to. We know what we need to do to survive. We have been doing this all our lives. We are competence personified.
