The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AH and I both had meltdowns Friday night. He'd lost his 3rd job this year and I told him when he started it that when this job is over so are we. When I left for work Friday morning I told him we needed to talk when I get home about splitting up.
He took the opportunity to hit the bar and get drunk. He left me a voice mail saying he couldn't have the discussion Friday night because two people had died and he had to deal with that. Yea, two relatives of bar buddies. For some reason he was trying to make that drama about him.
I decided to visit a friend Friday night instead of coming home. She's recently divorced from an alcoholic husband and I just needed someone to talk this over with. During the course of the eveninig I kept receiving cell phone calls. First was a friend to tell me my husband was threatening people at the bar with a knife because someone took his keys. She wanted me to come down to help. I told her to leave the situation alone and that I would not come down.
Later my former next door neighbor called to tell me that she and her husband had been at the bar and saw what was going on and they managed to talk him into taking a ride home from them. I had told them a few weeks ago that I was thinking about a divorce so they sort of knew the situation.
Then my sister-in-law called to offer me a bit of support. The first friend that called me is also a friend of my sis in law. Well, that really made me mad and sad. The friend had no right, in my opinion, to call sis in law.
Then, AH called and asked where I was. The friend I was with took the phone from me and told him to quit calling. She hung up.
After many hours of talking with my friend, I had convinced myself that it was for sure time for a divorce and that if I did that, that I should move away because it would be too hard to stay here and not be with him. I don't have any family here where we live. So, now I realize that I'm talking about splitting up after 20+ years from husband and job. Wow, that really seemed overwhelming. My friend told me that although if I moved to the area where my family lived ... yes, I would have a support system, but that I could also have a support system here if I wanted. Not only my friends, but that I should go to Al Anon.
When I got home Saturday, AH accused me of being with another man. I told him it was fine for him to be angry, but not to accuse me of things. I told him that I love him, but I didn't think he stood a chance of getting happy himself while we were living together, since there are no consequences. I pay the bills. When he quits/gets fired, there's no consequences! I told him that he needed to learn to stand on his own two feet. I really think he gets it.
I spent Sunday reading the internet about divorce advise and came across a website that said that divorce should be your absolute last option. So now I'm thinking I should get into Al Anon and all of the reading I've done about it today tells me it will help me in so many areas of my life.
But, what do I do about him? Should I force him to move out? He spent today calling our insurance company and looking into in and outpatient treatment programs.
Should I give him yet another ultimatum? Get out by XX or ???
Welcome. I'm glad you found us too! We try not to give advice here. That used to tick me off because I really wanted someone to tell me what to do then I would just do it! Insted I heard other people's experience, strength and hope. What they did in their situation with A's. It is recommended that you try not to make any major decisions untill being around for 6 months to a year. It is amazing how much your life and your perspectives will change in that time. I am sorry you are in this tough spot right now, but it can get better. Take some time to stop and figure out what you want. This program will help you put the focus back on you and although it feels strange at first, it gets to feeling good. Keep comming, keep posting and find a f2f meeting. Here is a ready made support system for what ever you decide to do.
what do I do about him ? there is nothing u can do about him , ultimatums don't work , threats don't work , tears, begging , talking just don't work . This is his problem anything u do to try and fix it is doomed to fail because your not the one with the problem , it's his leave it where it belongs with him . When we stop enabling , by not covering up thier mistakes , not rescuing them , by not lying for them not supporting them financially if they are capable of working , don't cover thier bad checks , in other words time to let him grow up . Al-Anon will show u how to do all that with respect and dignity by detaching emotionally from what is happening around you , try as many meetings as u can get a week for a few months and see how u feel then , I was not ready to leave my marriage and I believe al anon made it possible for me to stay and change right where I was . You need support from people who understand where your at and will share thier own experiecnes with you , talking to friends and family only caused me problems ,thier solution was * just leave * . not an option for me . here is the toll free number for meetings in your area 1-888- 4alanon good luck . Louise
GEEZ!! I read your post and though - Did I write this post?!?!? I've had the same thing happen in my relationship. Everytime I did the "We need to talk" thing - it was always something. Someone died, or he was too shitfaced to even see, let alone talk. Now I can see that everything was just to get attention and avoid dealing with reality. It got to a point where I just started doing & making decisions - no talking required anymore.
Anyway, in my situation, it was much the same. When he f*&%$@ everything up in his life - wrecked his car, spent all his money on booze, got fired, etc. he was always secure because I had enough money to pay the bills. I finally realized that I was making it easy for him to be dysfunctional. (I just threw him out - bought him a ticket and put him on a plane back to Michigan). When he realized what he was losing the talk of rehab and AA came up. Now he thinks that there's a chance for him to come back (no way!!!) he's changing his tune. He basically just does enough to keep himself afloat. With an A, I find that it is just a big disappointment to expect them to be something other than what they are. If they have no reason to change they probably won't. We just need to decide what is best for us and make decisions based on that. Their words mean nothing because they have lied so much.
I hope you can come up with a decision that works for you. It's tough.
