The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so frustrated with the levels of acceptance there are. I had compassion for awhile but now I am having a temper tantrum (in my head) because I want to change things I cannot change. I have to accept my fantasy is not reality - fine, phooey!! Not much is going to change but me......at least there is that!!
What is really upsetting me is accepting that my kids are not going to have the type of dad I wanted for them. No emotional support, low interest and not much else.
I was searching for old posts on the topic of acceptance and found this gem....thought it was something I missed last week but it was a year ago posted by Phil. Thanks for posting this long ago Phil as it helped me get through the worse moment. I am distraught with grief and I want to cry but I can't....
ddub
Sharing part of an article on Acceptance from Phil 11-05-2006
One of the most frustrating stages of acceptance is the bargaining stage. In denial, there is bliss. In anger, there is some sense of power. In barraging, we vacillate between believing there is something we can do to change things and realizing there isn't.
We may get our hopes up again and again, only to have them dashed.
Many of us have turned ourselves inside out to try to negotiate with reality. Some of us have done things that appear absurd, in retrospect, once we've achieved acceptance.
"If I try to be a better person, then this won't happen...If I look prettier, keep a cleaner house, lose weight, smile more, let go, hang on more tightly, close my eyes and count to ten, holler, then I won't have to face this loss, this change."
There are stories from members of Al Anon about attempts to bargain with the alcoholic's drinking: "If I keep the house cleaner, he won't drink.... If I make her happy by buying her a new dress, she won't drink... If I buy my son a new car, he'll stop using drugs."
Adult children have bargained with their losses too: "Maybe if I'm the perfect child, then Mom or Dad will love and approve of me, stop drinking, and be there for me the way I want them to be." We do big, small, and in between things, sometimes-crazy things, to ward off, stop, or stall the pain involved with accepting reality.
There is no substitute for accepting reality. That's our goal. But along the way, we may try to strike a deal. Recognizing our attempts at bargaining for what they are - part of the grief process - helps our lives become manageable.
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
That's a good one. But don't give up. My biggest regret is the loss of my family together - picture mom, dad, and the boys together. But that is not reality. My reality is that he left and isn't coming back. Time to grief...read this is hard to do....and be open for the new reality that our HP's have for us.
