The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi There! I'm here for myself and my children. My husband drinks and smokes pot. For many years he has been using daily. I first realized what a problem it was and what denial I was in about my situation a little over a year ago. I was drinking as well, but not daily. One day, I looked around and saw that our lives were a mess because of substance abuse. I quit drinking (I don't smoke pot) that day. What a wonderful year! My spiritual life and relationship with myself gets better every day. As I've become more aware of my surroundings, my husbands addictive behavior is also becoming more clear. He uses the classic excuses for his addctions-I need them, it's all your fault, you're crazy....I've told myself that I need to worry about my health and let him worry about his own problems. For the most part, I do just that. I let him know how his behavior affects me and our family. I've laid down some ground rules for the safety and security of our children. He has followed them, so far. I realize that he cannot see what he is doing to himself and our family and marriage. Right now, he is basically "safe". He doesn't drink and drive, is not physically abusive. His actions are much, much worse when he is in withdrawl. I find that my general resentment of him grows with each outrageous mood swing and unfinished project around the house. I'd like to "give it up"-to just let him be. I'm finding this hard to do, however. His actions greatly affect both me and the children. Talking to him about it (either the chemicals or the behavior) is useless. Either he agrees and repeats it over and over again or blames me. I've been trying to read all I can about codependance, and I've felt great relief from somewhat detatching myself. He is unwilling to admit he has a problem or seek treatment. I am resigned to the fact that he never will. What I'm really struggling with right now is to stop enabling him. I don't lie for him or make excuses, but my interpretation may be off. I'm not willing to put the kids in jeopardy-like letting our electricity get cut off or garbage pile in our home. I don't know where to draw the line.
Hi, I'm struggling with the same issues. My spouse smokes pot daily and is an occasional drinker. My boys are grown and out of the home but the abuse verbal is still there. I understand you being confused on where to draw the line. It's hard and they make you feel like it's your fault they act the way they do. I am in the process right now of kicking my spouse out. I'm struggling with feeling guilty over making him find a different place to live. Isn't it silly how we feel guilty. Tough love is what I'm told to do............and when we stand our grounds hopefully they will either seek help or not but it is his/her choice. We are not the problem. Just keep reminding yourself that. You are not the problem it is their habits!!! Hang in there.
Everyone here has gone through most of these same issues and we all provide support and encouragement to eachother through this site. I have found that it has helped me to change my life and I am much happier. I hope that it helps you too. Reading old posts and finding a face to face meeting are very helpful. I hope that you will keep coming back and sharing your story and realize that you are definitely not alone in this!
Welcome Martin :) I'll "second" Carolinagirl's suggestion about the Alanon meetings, getting an Alanon sponsor and working the steps. Not to say WE aren't just WONDERFUL :D (which we are) but the face to face component adds depth and dimension ya just can't get on line. Still, we do a lot of work on this board. There's a chatroom and online meetings too.
Now onto "enabling". What helped me was to make enabling more of a concept than a bunch of behaviors to avoid. For me, enabling is behaviors, on my part, that facilitate my A's drinking/addiction. It is "getting in the way" of the alcoholic's natural consequences of their drinking and all the behaviors that go along with it.
Looking at it like that, enabling becomes an individual thing for each relationship. You discover it's particulars for yourself.
Is it "enabling" to call in sick to work for your H? I'd say yes. He gets to avoid any crap he might get from his boss for too many sick calls, or whatever. That's a consequence of alcoholism, the work performance, work relationships, etc. Just an example.
Is it enabling him to "allow" the alcoholic access to the family's living expense money so the kids go without shoes and visits to the dentist? There's an example from the extreme end of the spectrum. It's all very individual.
I encourage you to get a book called "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew. It is a classic little paperback in the recovery movement. I got it from Amazon.com for three bucks, shipping included :) I live in the sticks and with gas the way it is, I thought the price was right.
Welcome again, and I hope to "see" you here posting and participating as much as you can :)
Thanks for the warm welcome!! I haven't been to a meeting, yet. I haven't told him that I want to go to a meeting, either. I know that things will become intense when I do. I'm looking for a meeting that will fit into my schedule right now so there are no childcare issues. I think what I've been mulling over is about doing what is right for myself and my children, rather than trying to help my husband. I'm not willing to put them through any more chaos where they feel like they are living in the middle of a hurricane. I'm not talking about standing up to addiction, but things like waiting for him to do the chores around the house. I just won't suffer anymore because of addiction. Particularly not when the addict is still in love with his drugs. I found the "Courage to Change" at the library and will read it this week. Thank you very much for the support!!!
Thank you for your kind responses waaay back in November. I think I slipped back into "duck and cover" mode. I avoided thinking about or "seeing" my husbands usage during finals (I'm a student) and christmas. I also felt resistant to giving any more power to his addiction by paying attention to it. Later, I confronted him about his chemical usage, and managed to lay it out for him so that he heard me. He admitted that it was a problem, and that he had been wanting to stop. He managed to quit for about a month, and it was really hard to maintain my cool while he ranted and raved (withdrawl). He wouldn't go to a meeting or treatment, or counseling. I tried to stay positive and patient, and I really do understand how he was feeling. He went back, though. All of a sudden, he came home on a monday morning when he was supposed to be at work, stoned out of his gourd. I didn't want to go to an al anon meeting-I was and still am very afraid of going to a meeting. I didn't use AA to quit drinking, and I guess I don't know if alcoholics (the recovering ones) are welcome at alanon meetings. I think I've come to the end of my rope. I have a hard time even being in the same room with him when he is high or drinking. I find myself angry about the things our family puts up with. I really see that I need to learn a whole new set of skills. I've been looking for this site for awhile, now. I lost my link! I'm glad I found you again. I can't wait to read about your experiences and draw strength from yours. ~Martin
I thought I had it all under control for awhile. I started concentratinng on me, my feelings, my life, my spirituality, my children and my parenting. I cut my hair the way I like it, and I really felt happy. But then I started feeling tripped up. All of a sudden, I had to get up earlier to take the kids to daycare. The only bathroom was taken by AH all morning, leaving us all to scramble to get ready, my son gets locked out because he didn't come home to meet his bus, and numerous other things that really, really get my goat. What do I do? Not letting it get my goat is one thing, but getting repremanded by my boss because I have to leave to get my son is another. Do I just make my life help proof-so that I never have to depend on him for anything? Keep a guard up so that I'm never left with a soft-spot showing? My first meeting is on Tuesday.
