The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My hubby is a drug user and an occasional drinker. He got drunk this last weekend and became very verbal abusive (again) I've had enough so I've decided to kick him out. He is playing on my heartstring and I feel lower than a snakes belly right now. He says where will I go? I have no place to stay. I want to yell and say that's your problem. It's not my fault you are mean!!! I'm finding it hard to be strong and stand my ground with him. I want him out. I want him to really change then we can work on us. Sad thing is this is the 2nd marriage for me my first was an abusive alcoholic (you would of thought I would have learned)
You sound like me! :) I moved out rather than kicking out because I didn't think he would leave. I felt guilty at first but as time goes on they either get better or hang themselves with the rope you gave them. Mine is dangling and I see now that he chooses this path. He is in a shelter right now and we have been apart for 15 mos. I got an email from him today that he has an infection in his leg and will probably be in the hospital for a while and lose his bed time at the shelter and do I have any suggestions for him? 15 months and I barely acknowledge him and he still comes at me with this. We have a child together plus 2 more from the first alcoholic boyfriend. I feel your pain I really do and all I can say is that as time goes on saying no and standing your ground gets easier. You are right when you say you didn't make him behave that way and it's not your fault he's in this position.
The good thing about this program is the work you do on yourself. You'll uncover why these patterns of relationships occur, and how you can prevent them in the future, if things don't work out with your current H.
In the meantime, you still need support from "those in the know" while you are struggling through this. You've come to the right place for that.
My A, who has been an exA for almost six months, was verbally and emotionally abusive too. He started getting physical toward the end, probably because of the drug use, but they say verbal abuse is LIKELY to become physical at some point.
Just because it is "words" in the air, not slaps or shoves, does not diminish the battering of our hearts and minds. The bruises don't show on our bodies but they show in our low self esteem, lack of confidence, negative thinking, and hopelessness. It is like living in a fog.
And that is on top of the fog of alcoholism and addiction! Abuse and addiction are different problems, one does not cause the other, but they sure can co-exist in the nastiest fashion.
I can send you a private message with a little info on verbal and emotional abuse, it is NOT Alanon material in any way shape or form. I offer it as it was helpful to me and my issues.
I really relate to how you feel right now. At the end of my relationship, I was so fed up I didn't care if my exA was homeless. He wouldn't have been, had he sought help for his addiction and stopped running me into the ground emotionally. I'd truly had ENOUGH.
Since he refused to leave I had to get a restraining order, among other things. He tried to violate it a few times but has been cowed into submission (read: threat of jail). I've grown so much without all that FOG muddying my vision. My confidence is returning, my depression is lifting, I feel hopeful about the future for the first time in years.
And until I heal enough so that I do NOT find another abusive addict and marry him (making it number 3 for me!) I'll just stay comfortably single with lots of healthy friends.
We're glad you are here, and I hope you continue to post and be part of this group :)
