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I have spent my entire life being a helpful, compassionate person. Most of the time those with whom I have a relationship return that to me. I have no experience with being hated. Now my worst case scenario has happened. Last night my ex DIL came to pick up the grandbaby as she does each day; my husband and I pick him up at his school and spend two hours with him. Our son stops by after his work and sees his child for about an hour most days. For several months ex DIL has been adamant that our son is to LEAVE before she gets here; he does. This whole set up is to comply with her divorce decree that our son have only supervised visits. Consider now that he was the one who got up nights with the infant (not surmise, truth), changed diapers, loved the child, never in any way put this child in danger. BUT he did on two occasions fall asleep on the sofa while alone with the baby. The baby was sleeping in his carrier bed beside Daddy. This was not unusual as DIL also did this. But she used these two incidents to say he was a drunk who could not be trusted with his child. He had no legal counsel (stupid on his part) because she told him it was less expensive to let her lawyer handle it all when she decided she wanted out. He got totally taken by the decree. Please understand; I know he gets drunk on occasion...he binges alone, passes out, sleeps. Whether this was the case she cited, I don't know. She says yes, he says no. Anyway, for two years we have (without ever being asked if it was OK with us) supervised these visits, kept the child while she went on vacations with friends, ran money/clothes/forms to school when she forgot in the mornings,bought diapers/food; took for haircuts; cleaned him up each time he comes here dirty and unkempt which is about daily; took the baby to the pediatrician when asked, kept him unconditionally. We often had him 10-12 hours daily for the first 17 months and prior to me getting sick when we couldn't keep up the daily anymore. Now it is daily, just two hours. Last night she told us she is NO LONGER A PART OF OUR FAMILY, DOES NOT WANT TO BE, WILL HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING MORE TO DO WITH OUR SON ,WILL NOT ACCOMMODATE HIM EVER AGAIN AND THEREFORE WE WILL HAVE TO MAKE SOME NEW RULES. Stating with Thanksgiving: she will not share a meal at our home. The child can come here on Friday, but not on the holiday. (I said no....you can only take so much demanding talk). Christmas: child can come at 6:30 PM on the Eve and be home by 10 AM on the Day. And at that point she went ballistic, said she didn't want to discuss any of this with me, too stressful. Yep...I know. My BP was skyrocketing, heart pounding. Our son has made some fateful decisions in all this. Last weekend he drank and went and parked in her driveway to see if she was home; she wasn't as the baby was here with us. She wanted him kept that night and all day Monday so she could sleep in, she said. Anyway, fine. But neighbors saw his car sitting there and gave her a report. She now says that is it. I have no blame for that; she has that right. But ME??? Why is she transferring this hatred to me? This baby loves his grandpapa and me passionately. He treats our home as his because it has been. I now feel as though the world has shifted once again. I am so angry with my son for screwing this up once more. He just keeps harping that he can get her back. She does not want him. How can I convince him of that once and for all? How can I get him to see that she started ridding herself of him the minute she got pregnant, the minute she found a weakness, the minute he got a head injury, the minute she realized she could get the home he had paid for while still single, the minute she realized she would get full custody of the baby. The big thing I haven't posted on here: ex DIL is an attorney. We are dead in the water when it comes to possibilities for peaceful resolution of this. She has no feelings for us at all and probably never did. I think she wants us to continue helping her but to keep our mouths shut and just do what and when she says. You have absolutely NO idea how bad this is. Tonight we confront our son and probably will estrange ourselves from him. We will plan no more holidays or occasions. Then we have to decide whether to try and sell our home and move. Anything we do puts our relationship with the grandchild in jeopardy. Sorry this is so long. It could be a book because I have only touched the surface of some terrible things that have happened. I had to get it out somewhere. I don't expect anyone to really know what to do. How could there be an answer?
One party to a legal agreement does not get to change the terms without the constent of the other party. If she is an attorney, she knows this - is probably just hoping that you don't. You son has a custody agreement, he needs to read it.
You do not just have two choices - things as they are, or total despair.
You are also not powerless in this situation. She can limit your access to the child, which would of course hurt you. However, free and flexible child care is not something she is going to find on every tree. The more you deal with this in a calm and nonconfrontational way ("Sorry you feel that way, but remember, no matter what happens with my son, we love the child and want a chance to see him often") the more likely that in a week or two she'll settle down and you can work something out. Sure, you want him for the holiday, but, really - it's just a day. He sounds pretty little - you could celebrate Thanksgiving on Dec 6, he wouldn't care.
And - I want to say this gently but it needs to be said - your son is behaving inappropriately. This does not mean that you cannot love and support him. He's your son, of course you love him, of course you want things to go well for him. Right now, though, your DIL is seeing you as extensions of him, and she is probably right. If she gave you access to the child on the condition that your son did not come over, would you agree to it? If you want your DIL to look at you as separate people from your son, you need to make it clear to her taht you are. She does not have to be the demon, in order for you to love him.
I believe I acknowledged that my son had behaved inappropriately....I have not bured my head in the sand. He is held accountable for his actions by his father and by me. That is why we butt heads all the time. We just did ten minutes ago on the phone. My son knows he needs a lawyer...the problems is he cannot afford one and his divorce decree says each of them will not seek lawyer or court but mediation. I do know that grandparents have no recourse here except to lie down and take it. Yes, I am sure she sees us as an extention of him, but then she calls him (but he is not allowed to call her...she won't answer or she will scream at him for it...I have heard her do it). She called me early this morning to say she forgot to tell me she might be late tonight as she has responsibility later in the day. I agreeably said "fine, no problem"......and yes, she will never find free whevever child care she gets from us now. For now, we are biting our tongue and biding our time. My future isn't hopeful with my family. I tend to think we will be estranged from our son and that means estrangement from our grandchild. My husband has no other blood relatives on this earth except son and grandchild. I think I would feel better walking away from them all than I feel now; my husband cannot even imagine that. Some of you will think I am cruel, but how much chaos and hurt can you take. Most of you walk away from your A spouses or significant others. Why cannot a mother want to do that too in the case of her child? I don't want to in my heart, but my head knows this is going to kill me. Studies show that stress and cancer recovery do not mix. lin606, you always cut to the bone in your replies. I guess we need that.
I was thinking I am closer to your DIL's position. My inlaws decided not to help or even see my kids. My MIL was even there when my littlest one was born. When ex and I split, I tried to keep things going with them, stay in contact, having them watch my kids (my kids loved being there with them) but over time they told me in actions and words that they no longer wanted me or the kids to be a part of their lives. I will assume it was because my ex wanted it that way. His first ex and his son with her were/are a huge part of the family and that always angered my ex. Ok, I always said that if they wanted to see my kids they could. Since the divorce and subsequent abuses I have no desire for those people to be anywhere near my kids.
If they were to come to me an apologize, to open a conversation about my kids, or even tell me that "Sorry you feel that way, but remember no matter what happens with ex, we love your kids and want a chance to see them often" I would feel so much better about the whole stinkin situation. But they won't because they really believe they are the victims in all of this. And I assume they just don't like me, either because of what ex has told them or maybe it's me. Whatever. I really like lin's idea to open up communication with her, it might help. At the very least it might help you to feel a little more empowered.
I guess what occurs to me is that I would do something like this: I would say "Can we talk? It sounds like you're really hurt, and I am too. I've really treasured baby sitting duty, and it really took me by surprise when you told me I couldn't do it any more. Is there something going on between you and my son that's upset you? Because I would really hate that you would take it out on us because of something he did. I'm happy to make some new rules for visitation, even if that includes him not coming over." I mean, it sounds like he pulled a stunt and she's taking it out on you because she doesn't know how to effectively communicate her feelings to him.
I think you can just walk away, or detach. When I had been with my A for about 2 years he got involved in a custody battle over his other son. The mother wouldn't let him see him at all and he finally got visitation. Which basically meant that I took care of the hellian plus my two other children when he was there, not to mention I was pregnant with my son. Then she started making all kinds of false allegations of abuse (I had my son a couple of weeks before that happened). I swear I never hated anyone as much as I did this girl. I couldn't understand why she was purposely making our lives hell. Finally, I had to tell him that I couldn't be involved in it anymore. I won't put any money into it, I won't be there or will my girls when he is there because the abuse allegations included my kids too and CPS had gone to their school to investigate. It was humiliating and I realized MY job is to protect ME and MY kids not his son. That is her job and his job. I had to detach. He finally walked away because he couldn't afford to fight anymore and I wasn't supporting him in it. That was a great reason to drink/use, of course that was my fault for not being supportive. Now that I look back I think mabye she wasn't such a B**** after all because now I know probably more than her what it is to deal with HIM. Just my 2 cents. I still talk to his mom regularly and we have a good relationship but she lives too far away to see my son. I WISH I had nurturing and supportive in laws to help with my kids!
I think I am not making myself clear here. DIL has not said we or son cannot see the child. She is just bowing out of what was our routines; the two of them participated in events and holidays and even took child out together occasionally with the intent of being good parents. Now things are changing. I believe she is probably moving on to other men and that is to be expected. It isn't that we can't babysit our granchild. Quite the contrary. She is quite willing to have him here when it is in her best interests. The Thanksgiving thing: she told me she doesn't want to celebrate it at all, but we could have the child on Friday. The truth is she was asked somewhere else. Fine, just tell me that. I can handle it if I hve to. And everyone is right....we don't have to celebrate on THE day or even at all. I have chosen the later. We have absolutely no one to celebrate with here except them. I am, I guess, resentful because she begged and pleaded with us to move here so we could be with the baby. I grabbed at the chance with my spouse kicking and screaming. Now this mess and we are left high, dry, and very very alone. It is my fault for saying yes. And I hope no one thinks that I am being accustory of her being all at fault. Quite the contrary and I have told her so, but it is hard when my son was never abusive or mean to her. She admits that he was not...just that it didn't work out with them due to his drinking beer daily and being "absent". But NO, there is no talking or discussing. She refuses, gets quite angry if I so much as try to talk about things to her. You cannot believe the looks or the spew of venom I get. I know better than to try and communicate like adults. I am perfectly capable of quiet, calm discussion and getting my feelings out and listening to hers. She is having none of that. Even at my sickest with chemo and all she would not talk about how I was doing...she would call me daily while I was in hospital and make talk about her job and the child, but never about me. She has told me she doesn't NEED negative talk and she perceives personal discussions to be that...alwys negative. So I try, people. I am not denying her anything at this point. I just don't know how long I can live like this with her being in total control of everything, every decision, etc. No compromises from here altho she wants to "accommodate" us...but that means according to her rules and ideas....never mine.
Could it be this is happening because you have no rules? It seems you have conformed to her demands every time and she is running with it. I think you have more leverage then you think. As much as you watch this child it is obvious she NEEDS you and your husband. You have fallen in to a manipulative trap. She thinks she can abuse your watching him in way she wants because that what has been allowed. ie: picking him up late etc. If she has other plans for Holidays, so be it. Life evolves and changes.
Perhaps if your conversation starts out with "This is between you and me" and needs to be addressed. Or, you can simply tell her that you feel everything is on her terms and you hope she will consider your feelings and BOUNDARIES. She can't consider them unless you voice them. As far as she knows you are always willing no matter what. She's never been told any different and if you give in everytime, she may think it's fine with you...
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am sure you are right about that, Christy. It is hard to break the happy times; these bad ones started only this year. Prior to that we had a nice relationship and I loved her (and probably still do if I face the truth). That is why it hurts so much. But she is indeed a "warrior woman" (my therapist's term for that kind of personality) and believe me, there is little reasoning to be had. I will try. Thanks.
I am fairly *new* to this forum, but certainly not new to dealing with alcoholism/addiction. I have an alcoholic adult son.
Perhaps your DIL is enforcing HER boundaries regarding your a/s. Unfortunately, you and your grandbaby seem to be collateral damage in her process.
Would you and your DIL be able to sit down together calmly and discuss both of your boundaries? Her boundaries with your a/s seem to be conflicting with your own. She is the baby's mother, so hers would undoubtedly over-ride yours in the long run. Would she work with you instead of against you so that the boundaries set by her and you can co-exist?
It may be a bit difficult in the beginning and you'll probably have to do some tweaking at first, but it certainly can be workable to benefit all of you, especially your grandchild.
I know it has to be difficult for you because she seems to be making so many changes to a routine that has been set for so long. But if you both bend a little bit in the other's direction, hopefully you can come to a satisfying agreement. This way it won't be all her way or all of your way. She may see it as you being willing to work with her in any way possible.
Also...there *may* be some private issues she is having with your a/s that you are unaware of which is causing her to narrow her boundaries with his entire family. Just a thought.
