I've got a difficult situation to deal with, and I'd like some input on the alanon perspective. It's a long story, but I'd like to lay it out to get it straight  in my own mind.

My husband's younger sister was a world traveller in her youth, moved back to their home city about 20 years ago, pregnant and single (in her thirties).  She has  lived with or near their parents since then, the only one of the family to live in the same city (we are next closest, about two hours drive away.) 

When her son was young, she did work, off and on, though she never really held a job very long.  It's been at least a dozen years, though, since she's had a job. We have assumed that she was getting financial help from her parents, along with maybe social assistance - didn't really know the details and although it kinda bugged my husband, didn't much care. As the parents were getting older, it was nice to know that she was there, and that was worth something.

Seven or eight years ago, their dad went into a nursing home, his Parkinson's got too bad for his frail wife to care for him at home.  About five years ago, the sister moved back in with her mom, leaving her son living with a friend of hers at the town house the parents had lent her the money for the down payment on.  At that time, my  MIL started paying her a salary, for looking after her. My MIL really wanted to stay in her own home, and she believed that this was the only way - she was no longer capable of living alone.  Again, fine.  It seemed all a bit much compared to the way other families (my own, for instance) were dealing with this sort of thing, but none of my business; my MIL was making her own choices for her own reasons with her own money.

The sister started limiting contact with her mother a bit, but not in any really alarming way. It was just that you could never seem to be there with just my MIL - sister was always right there, making us feel kinda unwelcome.

Last summer (2006) my MIL died fairly suddenly - she went right downhill over a period of about four months.  Two months later, my FIL died, in his nursing home.  He was by this time incapable, and had been for some time - years.

My husband and this sister were the executors of the wills.  When he got a look at the wills, my husband found that his mother's will, which had previously been a very simple one, had been rewritten about three years before.  It still left everything to her husband if she were to die first, but if HE died first, the will was pretty seriously slanted in favour of this sister - the one who had had complete control over his mother for the last five years or so.  However, since his mother died first, this was not the will that mattered - everything went to her husband, and HIS will is the final one that is now being probated. This is a simple "all to my wife; if she is dead, everything equally to my four children" will, with the provision that this sister will pay back the money her parents lent her for her down payment all those years ago, interest free.

When my husband started getting a look at his parents' financial affairs, as he needed to, being an executor, he found that pretty large sums of money had disappeared over the last four years or so - about $200,000 more than they would have used living the lifestyle they lived.   There was almost nothing in the way of financial records; cancelled cheques had been shredded.  Money had been flowing out right until his mother's death - $10,000 the day before she died (once she died, the bank accounts were frozen - the sister had had access up to then). His sister refused to give any indication of what had happened to any of the money.

So, as you can imagine, there was a fair amount of squabbling among the four children over the next months - I won't go into detail, but basically, the sister wanted the mother's will to be the one that was honoured, because "that's what mom wanted", the others wanted to know what had been going on over tha last few years.  Sister refuses to talk about anything she doesn't want to talk about, accuses others of always hating her, blah blah. Basic disfunctional family stuff.

Eventually, this spring, they came to a rough "Forget the past, from now on things will be split equally", agreement, except for the money she owes for that down payment.  However, as you can imagine, there was a certain amount of distrust of this sister left over.

So that's the background, now here's where I come in.

Last June, my husband died. All of a sudden, this sister is the sole executor of her parents' estate.  The will is finally through probate, the lawyer says there is no reason cheques can't be written so that the cash (what is left) can be disbursed, and the condo that they lived in is up for sale.  I don't get any of the money, but my husband's share is split between my kids, in trust until they are 21, so I have an interest in what happens. 

And nothing is happening.  This sister has access to the bank account the money is in, as executor.  I last heard from her in late September, when she said that there was one letter she had to get off to the lawyer, then she should be able to write out cheques to start disbursement.  Not a word since then, until finally my other sister in law (the other brother and the younger sister are not speaking) phoned her and asked what was happening.  "Oh, I just have to get this one letter off to the lawyer, and...."   No one has any idea if sister is working (and is afraid to ask, she is very touchy) and the thought that is going through the heads of brother, other sister, and to some extent me, is "Is she living off of the estate, or is she just incompetent and  hasn't gotten around to doing any work yet?"

Remember, this is my husband, the alcoholic's, family. High drama, touchiness, holding grudges, lying. blaming, all the same old thing, are very much SOP there.  The oldest sister, who lives in the States, is a fairly level headed person, but she has serious problems of her own (her husband's health).

I've tried to keep on everybody's good side here, up to now.  These people are my kids' family, and they have lost a lot of family in the last year - I don't want them to lose any more. I don't desperately need the money, but am sorta counting on it to help put my two through school. 

On the one hand, I feel like just staying out of it - don't want that chaos. On the other, if, as is entirely possible from past actions, the sister is drawing from the estate, we're talking about thousands of dollars that belong to my children.  She is perfectly capable, I think, of spending the money, and assuming that no one will press charges because it's family.  I think.  Maybe I am wronging her. 

What I'd like to do is just phone her up and say "So, what's happening?  What are you up to these days, are you working, how are you doing, do you need any help?"  If this were my own family, I wouldn't think twice, but with these people you never know. Sometimes you can act like a normal human person around them, and sometimes that counts as an attack in some war you didn't even know you were fighting.  Just the fact that her own sister was afraid to ask her if she was working gives you some idea of what kind of people they are -  yes, my husband came by his disease honestly.

The fact that I am tying myself into knots and questioning my motives over phoning a SIL who I have always gotten along with fairly well (at least on the surface) shows something too.  I really don't know where my part of this is.  I can't tell if not calling is tiptoeing around an unstable person in order to keep the peace, or if it's minding my own business.  I can't tell if calling and finding out what is happening is protecting myself from a possibly dishonest person, or meddling and manipulating.

So, sorry for the length, but - any thoughts on how to see my path?