The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is never too late, I am told for anything, but sometimes it is too little just to admit that I was not a good mother during your formative years.However, I am attempting to say I am so sorry.
For not being there when you needed me to be
For shouting at you [although I was really shouting at the world, my parents, your fathers parents, and the other family members who did not support us through the dark times].
For breaking your heart
For being angry
For not listening to you when you wanted me to sit down and listen
For being so pre-occupied with your fathers alcoholism
For never taking you on a family holiday
For being a scared rabbit
For hiding in the wardrobe and having you sneak food and drinks to me whilst I hid away out of your fathers way when he was drinking
For embarrassing you in front of your friends
For not being the role model that you so needed
For not providing you with the happy home that you yearned for
For being so wrapped up in my own misery that I did not fully appreciate that you too were suffering from the affects of living with an alcoholic father and a frightened mother
For the violence that you witnessed and heard
For the Grandparents who did not support you
For the lost childhood that you deserved as a child
For sending you to boarding school, [even though I agreed to it thinking it would protect you more whilst your father and me tried to get it together and work through his alcoholism].
For being a nervous wreck, for breaking down and not coping
For losing my temper uncontrollably and for crying at the slightest thing
For now always being able to come to the school to see you
For not understanding your cries for help
For not being as supportive as I should have been
For not always putting you first during your formative years.
My goals in life have been simple; to be a good mother, to honour my family and to love God.
I send you this as a way forward through the awful past that you have endured at my hands and in the hope that you will be able to work through the pain and hurt that you have in your heart.
I do not expect you to forgive me; I do not expect you to understand me; I do not expect you to heal simply by having this confession from me.What I hope is that you will realise the honesty and the regret and the remorse I feel in my heart for all the things that I got wrong, which may have affected your life and your expectations of me.
So many years have passed and it is only now that I have completely and honestly found the courage to look at this fully, and as I do I realise the repercussions that my inabilities and mistakes have had on your life.
Throughout it all though, one thing has remained constant and that is my love for you.You was the wonderful baby that I was so amazed at giving birth to and I loved you from the first time I held you.
I will love you to my dying day and beyond.
Always, in love, Mum
[NB: This will be the most important letter of my life. I will be sending it with no expectations; it is my recognition of things I need to acknowledge that happened as a result of my own sickness. It will be sent from my heart for I look upon it as one of the things that I need to do to effect my holistic recovery.]
Heartbroken
__________________
"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Heartbroken, this is a beautiful letter. The most wonderful thing in my life when when my father (who I was astranged from as a young girl) apologized to me. It was a completly unexpected thing. I had long since forgiven him and his acknowleging the pain he caused was so healing. And I didn't even know I had any left to heal. Our relationship at that point was very good but, after he simply and with completle honesty and love apologized and took responsibility for what he didn't do when I was young, it became better than I ever even imagined it could be. When I was in the height of my pain and hurt, I don't know if his words would have had the same impact. But I will tell you from the point of view of being the daughter of a mother who abused me all of my life and refuses to admit or apologize for any of it, just the idea that you are willing to look at yourself and apologize for the past I think is admirable.
Wow. This is the letter than I wish my mother would write. But she does not have the advantage of this program so she continues to swim in the disease of codependence and it is a downward spiral for her.
