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I haven't posted in a while--still trying to catch up on reading the threads. My first was just an introduction, but now I have an issue on my mind and really would like some help developing the proper perspective. This might be a bit long.
My clean A and I have been together a little less than 6 months. He has not been active during that time. He had two years sober (active in AA--even sponsoring) then relapsed before I met him. He was just getting back to sober when he and I got together and was active in AA/NA the first month or two. Then, his interest waned and he became less and less involved. He's continued to abstain and has contact with AA friends back in his hometown. Every once in a while I can see he's been reading his lit. I don't push anything because I know it's his responsibility and his job to work on his sobriety...it's not mine.
On a couple of occasions he's told me that he "probably will" relapse. He sees this as facing facts. I see it as 1) setting oneself up for failure and 2) a manipulation. I understand the chances are excellent it will happen, but also feel like this kind of talk could be his way of excusing himself if it should happen...self-fulfilling prophecy and all that. He seems to be voicing it, also, to get a reaction from me. I feel as though I'm being "felt out" or tested. This is the manipulative part.
This weekend, he was on the floor playing with our new puppy when, with no context, he suddenly says, "I can tell you I'm close to having a beer." My response was, "Oh." We talked, normally, for a few minutes. He expressed a wish to be able to drink without getting carried away--and said he would definitely drink if he thought he could just have one. I simply said, "well, if you could do that, you wouldn't be an alcoholic." The whole conversation was fine--no judgment or accusations, threats or anger (we don't normally do all that, anyway)--just matter-of-fact. But, the whole time I could see him searching my facial expressions and words for reactions. I didn't give him any, but I was quiet the rest of the evening...not angry silence, I was just thinking a lot about the conversation.
The next day he was especially affectionate and gentle. Things were OK.
Last night, I picked him up for work and he says he wants to stop by a local pizza place/bar. He's a standup comic and wanted to scope the place out as a possible venue to perform. But, when we pulled up, he says, "Let's go have a beer." I didn't take this too seriously since he always says this, then orders a Red Bull or Coke. (I drink occasionally, but not to excess.)
We get inside and he orders a non-alcoholic beer. This had never happened before, and I didn't quite know what to think of it. It seemed like it would be a serious trigger and/or temptation to me but, again, it's not my job to tell him this. When we sat down, he asked what I thought about it. I asked if it was "safe" for him to drink it. He laughed and said, "Oh, no, probably not." We changed the subject and had a perfectly normal conversation. He drank about half the thing and we left.
When we got in the car, he asked what I would have done if he'd ordered a regular beer. I told him I would've made him pay for it (meaning the money--I had paid), that's for sure. He laughed. We went home.
So, here's what it comes down to: I think it's very, very possible he's heading for a relapse. I know there's not a damn thing I can do about it, so I'm not even trying. I have never been with him active, though, or any other active alcoholic/addict. My fear isn't even really of the drinking...it is that alcohol, for him, is a trigger and leads to him seeking his real drug of choice: crack. I could tolerate him lapsing on the drinking. I don't know about the crack. If he brought that into my house...
The problem I'm having is figuring out what my boundaries are. I suppose the only way to know is to go through this once and see where the line is. I also feel like it might be good to head off any potential problems and tell him those boundaries before he relapses, but that seems to be helping his self-fulfilling prophecy right along...and I just don't know what those boundaries will be!
I'd be interested in anything from anyone who's dealt with relapse. What did you find worked best to keep things serene? I hope I won't end up needing this ESH, but think it's best to be as prepared as I can...though I can't really be prepared for something I have no experience with...
Hi Cen, the first thing I'll say to you is the questions you are asking have answers in really working the Alanon program for yourself.
If you choose to stay with your A and marry, this will be a lifelong thing with him. Once an A, always an A (and I mean addict, too). The possibility of relapse is always there. One clarification of boundaries for you is to ask yourself if THIS is acceptable to you.
There is no way on Earth or Heaven to "keep things serene" . . . except for yourself. That is the only aspect of the relapse, the A, and the relationship you can directly control.
Detatchment from his "condition", so that you can continue your own life, is one significant way to protect your own sanity if you choose to throw in with him.
My exA was Mr Relapse. Well, IS Mr Relapse. He drank beer and smoked pot but his overall fave substance is methamphetamine. Like you I could kind of "tolerate" a couple of beers, and when he was stoned he was stupid and harmless (ack).
The meth was a different story. And inevitably the mind altering substances like beer and pot stupified him and fed his disease so that meth use was inevitable.
There are a few of us with heroin, meth, crack and cocaine addict SO's on this board. Go back and read a few of my threads, Carolinagirl's, QOD's, and you'll get a variety of "responses" and outcomes to reflect on.
I would not feel I've done you "right" without suggesting you deeply contemplate for yourself if you want to commit yourself to someone you KNOW has these tendencies. Most of us were in and sunk and committed with kids long before the awakening. Our choices were more limited than yours. I for one would have RUN like hell, had I been in your shoes and as awake and aware as you are :)
This is hard one. I think you are correct in that he is feeling you out for the impending doom. You said your fear isn't really the drinking, which says to me that you are willing to allow it in your life. I can't tell you what your boundaries should be, but I do know that if you are willing to allow him to be active and be in your life, most likely that's what you will get.
It has not happened yet and that is not what was happening when you met him. You have the option of setting a strong boundary now. Saying that you will not allow active alcoholism in your life is not giving him an ultimatum. It is telling him what he is fishing for...his big question is "Will you put up with it?"
My fear is that if you OK it he will use it against you when things get bad. "You said it was OK, now you're complaining!!"
If you give an inch they take a mile and the downward spiral is no picnic. Once he relapses he may be active for years before he pulls himself out of it again, if ever..
You are also correct in that you can't do anything about him. You can however control your life and your future.
Take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I appreciate the replies, so far. I hope there will be more. I really want to hear how others have dealt with relapses (whether it went well or badly, it'll give me something to consider if/when I face the same). I definitely am not looking for tips on maintaining serenity for anyone but myself. Long before I ever looked into Al-Anon, I knew other people were beyond my control.
I don't know if I can accept active alcoholism in my life. It's not something I've experienced. I feel like I'm going into this with my eyes as open as they can be, but the experience would be necessary to know where my limits are. I have not stated any clear boundaries (other than when he first moved here, I told him if there was ever crack or a crack dealer in my house, he'd have to go elsewhere...period...that is something I know I won't tolerate), and I haven't OK'd any active behavior, either.
I know, from talking with his family, that he is a functional and non-abusive alcoholic when he's active. He's never driven drunk and never cheated when drunk. The crack leads to his downfall, as he becomes non-functional when he gets to this stage, takes more risks, and blows it at work. This knowledge doesn't necessarily make it tolerable for me to live with active drinking, but I don't have fears of violence, cheating, etc.
I know that no one can figure out boundaries except for me. I am willing to go through a relapse, if that happens, to find out where the boundaries are. I know he has a disease and love him very much, so I'm loathe to just cut and run--especially as he hasn't done anything yet. I will also not put up with being treated badly, but that has not happened yet, either.
Well there are certainly people in al anon who dealt with relapses and lived with an active alcoholic on many levels. There are many ways of dealing with that. One of course which I employed for years is denial. I denied an ddenied and denied he was using. Remember they will not always be upfront about it. Gernerally I'd say when an addict is talking about it they may actually already be using. When somoene is in an active program they are actively not using, not flirting with it.
For me personally the trying was a huge issue. I felt committed, even though when I first became aware of the A's alcohoism I had money, resources, friends, places to go, I wanted to try. There are certain things not worth trying, one is to deal with an active, career bent addict. What I got for my heart ache was immense psychological pain, poverty, embarassment, humilationg, shame and mind numbing anxiety. I also got my truck stolen, trashed and smashed. I can say that I also learned a tremendous amount about myself from that relationship. I learned boundaries, real ones, I learned totally absolutely what I can deal with and what I can't. I did not have that absolutely specific in stone before.
I also gained al anon. I threw myself into this program because I was in such incredible pain and anxiety and fear and trepidaton and had no where else to go at all. I've been here two years. I consider them some of the most productive, insightful liberating times of my life. I am blessed to have this group in my life. I doubt very very very much I would have stuck around here if I had not been in absolute agony.
So my esh is that if you expore how you feel about relapse it may take you to different places but you can gain a great deal by working this program and looking at what drew you to the alcoholic in the first place..
In my experience and hearing many stories, typically one of the last things an alcoholic does before relapsing is tell someone about it. Sometimes a relapse is impulsive, sometimes premeditated. In the case of the latter though, it's pretty unusual to tell anyone close to you - spouse, sponsor, etc - that you're thinking about relapsing unless you really do NOT want to relapse.
In my early sobriety, if I had told my wife "Boy, right now the idea of a 12-pack of beer sounds really good", I would have been telling the truth much of the time. But.... if I had _really_ felt the urge to drink, I would have either been sneaking off to go do it, or I would have been heading for a meeting or calling my sponsor. Otherwise, it's just manipulative.
But - not being there, and not knowing your A... it may be just his way of saying "Hey, I'm an alcoholic - I do think about it all the time".
I think about alcohol every day. I am an alcoholic, sober or otherwise. I don't have the urge to drink - that has been removed from me. But my disease is just below the surface and it always will be. I don't want to forget that I'm an alcoholic.
For someone who is not alcoholic, the recovery process can be very strange. Recovery is not about living in a bubble where the sights, smells, or mention of alcohol are prohibited. Maybe for the short term, but unless locked up or in an inpatient program, isolation isn't an option. And either way it's not a long term option.
I'm frequently asked if being around alcohol bothers me. Which is an interesting question. I don't have any problem going into a restaurant or lounge where alcohol is served if I have a legitimate reason to be there. If my companions drink, that is not a problem. I *do* have a problem being around drunks and drunken behavior. I don't tolerate it. Fortunately, I don't have to.
A couple years ago I was in a hotel... I got in the elevator to go down to the bar and meet some friends. A couple got on the elevator, obviously the guy was very obliterated. The woman was holding him up. I met my friends and about 20 minutes later, the guy from the elevator (who wasn't part of our group) fell backwards off his bar stool. Some of my friends, and his girl, with a little help from the bartender, convinced him it was time to call it a night. If the guy had stayed, or become loud and obnoxious, I probably would have left.
I don't keep alcohol in my house, and I don't allow it. There's no reason to; anyone who comes to my house knows it's not the party place.
On Thanksgiving, I'll be going to my girlfriend's family get-together. But not all day. I expect there will be drinking... our plan is to get there for dinner, but bail out before the drinking really gets going. I'll be hosting my own Thanksgiving the Saturday after... with mostly my family, no alcohol.
I can tell you how I dealt with relapse, it is what brought me to Alanon.
First, My husband (now sober) was also functional, kind, and even had the same job for 18 yrs. His biggest flaw while drinking was that he was totally unavailable, emotionally and physically. The drinking took "him" away and produced someone that could only focus on the next drink and the next buzz. He did show up for our son's baseball games and karate matches, he brought flowers and gifts for birthdays and anniversaries, but he was trashed. He drank through every holiday and every important event.
What I had to do: Was give up that I could love him enough to make him stop. I went to Alanon and had to learn that if I was to succeed and be happy I would have to do it on my own. I had to find happiness whether he was drinking or not and what I "thought" made me happy had to go.
I had to create boundaries that did not include him. I would no longer be embarrassed and ashamed by him showing up to events while drunk. I went alone and learned how to be OK w/o him. I dealt with my son asking "Where's Dad?" but that was easier then the embarrassment of having his Dad show up smelling like a brewery and watching my son's head drop.
I learned to not "be there" for him when he came home drunk. I found other things to do because I wasn't so great at detaching for a long time. I literally had to physically detach in order to control the disgust and rage that built up. Dinner was not waiting anymore. Excuse were no longer made.
I started to attend Alanon meetings and building my own world. I met with Alanon friends, went to different events with them and also created new ones for myself. I was no longer sucked in to the disease. It was his to deal with. If I wanted to survive it I had to deal with my own life. Much of it did not include him for a long time.
There is good and bad in the Alanon journey. The hardest thing is to give up the dream we have and the vision of how we think things should be. That dream dies hard and is what got me here. I guess the big answer to what you do when they relapse is to dive in to the program and hold on to it. Everything becomes about YOU because if it becomes about him, you can drown.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
These answers are all really helpful, and I thank everyone for sharing.
barisax - I find your answer interesting because it is coming from an A's perspective.
Three things had occured to me (regarding why he's vocalizing his "urges"). First, it could simply be a manipulation--a test to see if I "really love" him...if I'd stick with him even if he uses again. I'm trying really hard not to fall for this one way or another. I don't want to indicate to him that it'd be OK or that I'd just up and leave. I'm not even sure which answer is true, so I can't really give him one.
Second option, he could be expressing these feelings as a way to make me responsible. Maybe he thinks I'll watch him more closely, push him to go to meetings, withhold money (I handle it and give him allowances--per his request), or whatever. I don't like this option because it would mean he could blame me for his failure (or even credit me with his success). That takes the burden of responsibility off of him and gives him a convenient scapegoat to blame and/or "mother" to take care of him. I ain't goin' down either of those roads.
Third, he's already using, like marisie suggests and just dropping hints to see if he needs to continue to hide it. I don't think this is too likely, but it's always a possibility. Don't know how good he is at being sneaky...
But, you give me another idea--that he's reaching out because he really doesn't want to relapse. I suppose it could be as true as any of the other three. I did ask him if he'd called anyone (meaning an AA friend) and discussed his cravings. He just said, "No." Of course, that would be a much better idea than telling me about it...
Cen, please- no offense: take what you like and leave the rest, this is just my opinion.
HELLO: Do you really want a crackhead in your life? YIKES! It seems to me that you are really being super detached and intellectual about it, like selecting something from a catalog on-line- do you have any idea what crackheads do, look like, are to deal with?!
You need to figure out your boundaries and I know you will. Alcoholic/addicts will rip you up one side and down the other and leave you for dead if you do not maintain extremely clear boundaries. And for gods sake do not under any circumstances, get involved in any kind of joint financial/property arrangements of any kind with this person.
I agree with Maresie, I think you need to carefully examine why you think this person is an attractive/potential good partner/mate. Good luck! J.
He isn't going to relapse, he IS relapsing. He is in the process. This is what relapse looks like. And from my personal experience with a crack addict, sooner or later (sooner) he will go right back to his drug of choice. He will drink to stave off going back to crack. He might even turn to some other drugs (pot, pills) because I will bet a million bucks he does not want to be a crackhead. Who would?
I didn't know what loving a crack addict meant. It isn't pretty, it is heartbreaking. It is life altering. I know my ex had wonderful, amazing qualities. I loved him. But, once a crack addict, always a crack addict. Ofcourse, there's hope. For everyone. Still, you are getting a taste of what the rest of your life will be. The longer and more involved your lives become, the money becomes united, families, children, time and memories the messier and more painful it becomes. Had I heard these truths in the beginning I don't know if I would have done a darn thing differently.
But you have found us. This program will help and support you no matter what you decide to do with your life. You sound like you already know this but this is your life and you make the decisions. If it were me, today, living what I have lived thru, I would run,fast. But we all have to go thru what we have to go thru.
I met my exA after he'd been clean and sober of everything (and I believe this) for a while. He said several years, but it had been in truth maybe only two.
If someone had asked me what Jean444 just asked you, 'Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a METH head???" I would have said, "Who's the meth head???"
Seeing it is believing it. You are getting a consistent message here. You are asking for experiences. It gets complicated . . . after years and years of alcoholism, the hubby gets sober, and after all you've been through together, perhaps it would be hard to tell someone to run. You're just so glad to be living a better life together :) .
My exA is one that did not get sober, pretty much ever again. I've kicked him out with a restraining order, he's got a trial for meth possession in less than a month. He has not chosen to use this "time out" to get himself together. The sheriff and narcotics detective were out last night to talk to me because I heard he was SELLING the sh*t at the town pub.
Living with his active disease almost destroyed me emotionally, and I was using Alanon tools like I was taking breaths. It certainly DID destroy me financially.
Yes, I am being super detached about it. That is a big part of what Al-Anon teaches, no? :D
We own no joint property--everything's in my name. I won't own any joint property with him...That's a definite boundary. Right now, he signs his checks over to me and I disperse money to him when he needs it. If he were to take off with his check, cash it and spend it on drugs, it wouldn't affect my finances. We are both 40 years old and I had what I had coming in. The worst he could do is sell off some cds or pawn the tv. We don't, and won't, have kids together.
The feel I get from this board is that very few believe true recovery (for the A) is possible--better to just give up on them and avoid any relationship with them. Is that correct?
Why do I see him as a good potential partner? Hmmm. I see a lot of good stuff there. His addiction and the behavior it causes is the bad part, not the part that attracts me. That's for sure.
Hi Cen, one thing we try not to do is "give advice" here, though sometimes it comes on out anyway.
The reason we shouldn't is because no one among us knows your life, what you want and need the way you do. Advice can be harmful to a vulnerable person, who is lost in their loved one's disease.
On the other hand :) you sound strong, concerned, and curious about what could happen. That is what's been shared. There are happy endings too. How many are there, compared to the number of sad endings? That is what I'd want to know in your shoes.
When I worked in the drug rehab three years ago, we had a "recidivism" rate of about 70% at the five year mark. The director did the stats himself, and it did him no favors to come up with this number. But it's pretty much 'how it is' across the board. Relapse is so common some consider it part of the disease process, practically an expected thing.
There were a lot of good qualities to my exA, otherwise I would not have married him. Or stayed with him as long as I did. I'll always love him, but could never trust him, and therefore couldn't be with him again.
If I had any inkling of what he WOULD do in his relapse, I would have denied it, believing the best. There's really nothing wrong with that :) . I believe if someone had sat me down and lectured me about meth addiction, the lifestyle it creates, I wouldn't have believed it could happen to my man.
You did ask :D and yes, absolutely, if something I said ***might*** spare someone else some pain, I'll say it. But I don't believe myself I have any special "knowledge". Your BF's course could go in so many different ways.
It's just that about 70% of the time, it doesn't go the way we hoped it would. That's all.
Not a single person on this board would judge you for throwing in with your BF :D after all, we all did the same, good happy endings and bad.
Again, thanks to everyone who's responded. I am really listening to all these answers and not denying that things might get really bad. They very well could. I do know that. I am not offended by anyone's words.
I am a hardcore researcher...it's just how I deal with things. I want as much information as possible then I parse it for stuff that seems applicable to my situation. A lot of what's being said here gives me a whole lot to think about.
My A and I had a good talk last night. He said he understood he had to stay away from crack and cocaine, and that he was OK with that. He just couldn't imagine never having a beer or a little weed for the rest of his life. He wants to try controlled drinking. Of course, I told him that I don't believe that will work...and, when it comes down to it, he doesn't really believe it either. We talked a long time. I told him that his choices have to be made by him: I won't try to control him. I also told him that I have to take care of myself and, if we get to a point where something is unacceptable, I'll do what I have to do to remove myself from the situation.
If nothing else, I'm glad he's talking to me about all this. It demonstrates a willingness on his part to be open with me.
The whole "Can't imagine never drinking again" issue is exactly the reason why AA says to do it "One day at a time". He does not have to stay sober for the rest of his life - he has to stay sober today. It sounds trite, but that is how it works.
My husband was a crack addict and alcoholic. For him, quitting drinking was not really all that hard, he said. Kicking the crack was the real struggle, and the relapse stats are much worse for crack than for drinking. However, it can be done - he had four years when he died, his sponsor has nearly ten. I know a couple of guys around town who have a few years clean and sober.
I'd say the reason he is playing this game with you is that he can get away with it with you - if he tried that with people from the program they would call him on his BS.
If he does relapse, please take care of yourself financially - enormous sums of money can disappear. Also, his druggie friends may turn out to be very nasty and scary people. Just an example, for about a year before he sobered up, and a year or two after, my husband would not allow the whole family to go out of town at the same time - he was sure that if the house were to be left empty, his 'friends' would break in and steal all of our stuff. From other things I have seen happen around town, he was probably right.
Sorry I'm late to your post. I've been off for a couple of days due to phone line trouble.
So, here's my take on your problem. From what you have shared, I believe he is probably already not sober. Even if he is physically sober he is not mentally. By that I mean he has no intention of staying sober. He IS feeling you out to see WHAT manipulations will work. I don't mean IF they will. I mean he's trying to figure out which ones will.
If you stay with him, he will find one that will work. We all have a button, and he will find it. Right now, he is playing stupid little mind games. "Poor me, I can never drink again. I don't think I can handle it. What will you do if I do?" See the hook?
You do not have to be a hero in this relationship. Sometimes the best thing that can happen for an A is to have everyone in their lives finally desert them. It forces them to be responsible for their own lives. Believe me when I say he will not be responsible if there is anyone around to do it for him.
And he has already hooked you in. He has already made you responsible for his finances. Correct me if I am wrong, but everything of value is in your name, right? He cashes his paycheck and gives it to you. You give it back as an allowance. So who pays the bills? I'm guessing you do. All the bills are probably in your name. You write the checks. You make sure they are sent on time, right? I know I'm assuming so I could be wrong, but if not, he has no responsibility for his own finances.
I know it sounds like I am telling you to leave. Actually I am not. That is for you to decide. What I do suggest is that you keep reading our past posts. Get to a few face2face meetings and ask those people you meet to give you the unvarnished truth of their stories. You seem to understand that things could get very bad for him again, but I guarrantee you that you do not yet begin to understand how bad they can get for YOU, unless you have been through it.
After you have learned more you can decide if this is what you want. You will grow in this process and I believe that is always a good thing, but staying with an A is like a trial by fire. Its gonna hurt, period.
I hope I have not discouraged you too much. It is your decision. There is always hope. But remember, hope is one of this diseases sharpest weapons. Most addicts that recover, I believe, will go through several relapses.
Hope this has helped. Take what you like and leave the rest.
In recovery,
-- Edited by Jen at 14:04, 2007-11-15
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Yes, he has been clean nearly 6 months, but I won't call it sober. He's a dry drunk. He works the program here and there, but he's not earned the title "sober".
I don't exactly handle his finances. Basically, I owned my home and had my monthly bills long before meeting him. He now pays half. So, he gives me his money and I take what's needed for his half of the bills, then disperse an allowance back to him for what he needs on a regular basis and hold what little's left in a reserve, so that if he wants to purchase something, it's there. I don't pay his bills, per se. He doesn't have any. Should he ask me for his reserve, I'll give it to him. What he does with it is his business.
When he and I first got together, he began to hook me in--tried to make me responsible for his decisions. Luckily, he also told me very early on to try Al-Anon. I have been to a few f2f and read tons of the lit--as well as lurking around here for a number of months.
It only took a few weeks for me to put together the enabler/caretaker thing and I've done all I can to stay out of that (other than the money--granted--but I'm damn well making sure my bills get paid :)).
Last night, we talked again. He was planning to ask a friend about getting some weed and wanted my "approval". He said that if I told him I didn't want him to, he wouldn't. I wouldn't tell him that. Things got a bit convoluted and, when I told him one thing, he heard another. For example, me saying I wouldn't tell him "OK" or "No", either way. He heard "Yes, honey, please get some weed because I'd like to get high with you." Ha!!!
But, we worked through it. I made my point, after much effort. I told him it was just plain unfair for him to make me OK or Nay him buying the weed...he had to make the decision. period. I would not take responsibility for his relapse or his sobriety. He finally got it and was visibly disappointed...but he didn't talk to his friend about getting weed (at least for now).
Not that it makes a hill of beans of even non-alcoholic beer has a tiny percent of alcohol. My ah and I went through that after he came out of rehab. He wanted his beer, so he got the "safe" non-alcoholic beer. I read the label and found out it did contain like .5% (not much at all, but still there). Now my ah was not ready to be sober, but his drinking of this did not help! I am a full believer in once even a tiny bit of substance is introduced into my ah's body no more reational thinking connections can be made!! This just began another downward spiral from him.
He is a crackhead. And life was not easy! After another bottom he is now sober over 1 year. Now is it all a bed of roses no, sometimes he is sober, sometimes he is dry! We don't ever really know where our boundaries are until we hit them! Unfortunately!! I do know that for me I will not take either again! It's not b/c I want to give up on him or won't love him anymore I just can't go through it. That doesn't mean I wouldn't take him back if he chose to get sober again! It just means that for me and my family we can't go through another round of the nonsober husband/daddy!
I suggest just stick up for yourself. You can continue to try and talk things through with him, but he won't always be able to think things through--just like the miscommunication the other night. Things will be distorted in his head, just know that you can try all you want, you can think that you made things clear, in the end he will do what he wants. It sounds like you already understand this! Keep taking it a day at a time.
